This right here is one of my personal faves from 2013. Come for your data if you dont enjoy it!

Rebecca1

I spotted the most beautiful woman last Saturday. I’d gone for a wedding at the Trade fair in Labadi, and everyone was moving to the reception on the lush lawn close by. Then I saw her smiling as she posed for a picture. There was something striking about her. As cliché as it sounds I felt we’d met before, she looked too gorgeous for me to have forgotten a previous encounter, but I still couldn’t place her.

Half an hour later, after the bride had thrown her bouquet and one of “all the single ladies’ had caught it, I noticed that the seat beside her had become vacant. I’m past the stage where I dilly dally about talking to a captivating girl, missing the chance and bashing myself for weeks after. After all, I have an impressive complimentary card, I’m no ‘likkle buoy’.

“Hi,” I said sliding into the chair beside her “you have the kind of weekend glory that makes the bride seem like a regular weekday.”

“Sorry?” she asked, genuinely baffled

“Ummn” I stuttered “Sorry. I should stop that…ummn, no no, I meant I shouldn’t have said that. I’m terrible at pick-up lines, somehow I imagined that’ll make you smile.” My palms were sweaty and I puffed out air like I’d just jogged a mile. Read More Rebecca & I

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I saw a Facebook post days ago that has me giggling till date. It was quoting some Nigerian who said something like “I find that statement; ‘there’s light at the end of the tunnel’ so disrespectful. I mean where I come from there is no light in my home, how much more anywhere near a tunnel? I mean if you want to symbolize hope in a phrase, tell me something like ‘there’s jollof at the end of the speech’ then eheeh, I can understand what you mean.’

I identify with that myself, but the conversation about things at the end of things is very interesting to me…just as interesting is the story about the man David feared and what was at the end of his tunnel.

Now David needs no introduction, I mean even before he got giant warriors Rolling On The Floor (not from laughter), he’d disciplined wild beasts. My favorite David feat though is how in exchange for Saul’s daughter’s hand in marriage he managed to return with the foreskins of 200 philistine soldiers. Pause. Can you imagine the amount of work that goes into getting that many foreskins from unwilling warriors? I don’t think any wanzam has achieved a fraction of that yet. Read More The Man David Feared Gidigidi!

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Some months ago it was drizzling and I was in a hurry to get to work. As I drove by, I saw a crowd at the bus stop, and I spent a few seconds contemplating whether to stop or not. Eventually I decided not to, but just before I could speed off I noticed one man; he stopped me like he knew me, smiling and waving frantically. I was confused so I stopped abruptly, almost causing an accident. It turns out I didn’t know him; he was just desperate to get to Circle. I wasn’t amused, but I’d stopped already so I reluctantly let him in.

He wasn’t such a bad company to have and he was profusely grateful. Just before he got off he handed me a note he’d scribbled something on, looked into my eyes and said with great intensity “If there’s anything you need, anything. Anything Google or Mahama wont give you, call this number.” With eyes wider than tyre rims, I swallowed hard and nodded. He smiled and got out, and suddenly he was lost in the crowd.

A few weeks later Elorm wrote and asked if I could do an interview with Samson. It was interesting because I’d been meaning to talk to him myself. There’re are so many strange things about his story I really wanted some clarity on, but I just didn’t know how to get through to him. How can you reach a guy from Judges? Read More Me and The Old Testament’s Van Damme.

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Hands up! Anyone who’s wished for the chance to ask Eve why she bit the Apple, or Cane why he killed Abel and lied about it to the Guy who has an eye in every square inch of space.

Hands up, anyone who’s wanted to ask Noah what he’ll have done if the flood never came, or Lot’s wife what she saw before turning into a pillar of salt. Okay, then you’ll envy me when you find out I actually got the chance. No jokes, I did. I really really did. But I just met up with three of them; David, Solomon & Joseph. Our chat was ttiigghhtt!

The twist is, when we met up, they all looked twentyish, irrespective of their chronological appearance in the Good Book. David looked kinda smallish. He had a woolen cap over a gentle cut and his loafers, black three-quarter pants and sky-blue lacoste gave him a d-bee look.

Solomon had kept his hair, so it was tied in a pony and he had his beard on. He wore a brown leather jacket over a Woodin short-sleeved shirt and black corduroy pants and leather slippers.

Joseph was the finest of them all. He looked like Taio Cruz in a leather jacket with a white undershirt and stunners coming off some motorbike bi.

I had to meet some friends of mine at the food court in the Accra mall, it was a Saturday afternoon and the place was packed. Their table was the only one with a spare chair, so when I took it, it was out of necessity. Then when I looked at them, they looked familiar. In some weird way, they looked like characters I’d seen in the ‘My Book of Bible Stories’ picture book I had when I was a kid.

When they eventually confirmed my suspicion, I was like “Today be today. I got a dozen quick ones for y’all.” So thus started our chat.

Me: Dave, I gotto tell you mehn, I feel you on the whole you & Goliath thing, but how the heck did you manage it? I mean what if you’d missed or your sling started acting up, how’ll you have gotten out of that? Read More Me & The Old Testament Boys Boys

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king ahab Well there’s this dude in the Old Testament who makes any gargantuan crime of any politician seem like child’s play. What baffles me is that at a time when God was extremely active in king making, this king managed to remain in power for 22 years! I’m also curious about his wife, a woman who scared the legendary prophet Elijah out of his socks animal-skin flip-flops, a woman who is even used in modern day to describe evil, ruthless women who stop at nothing to get what they want; Jezebel.

So I called King Ahab up, and I was like “Yo, what’re my chances of getting an exclusive with you?” I was surprised when he acquiesced, but I guess there’s something about the afterlife that humbles even the proudest of us. When he showed up, he had such an air of humility about him, but alas, it’s appointed unto man to die once, and afterwards face judgment.

After offering him a much-appreciated sachet of special ice pure water (lol), I dug right in.

Me: Ahab, can I call you that, without the ‘King’? Kinda makes it long

K.A: Well, I guess. Much worse has befallen me since I died.

Me: Really? Like what? Okay, you know what, let’s start from scratch; tell me about your family.

He sighed, heavily.

K.A: Well, it’s no secret; my dad wasn’t the perfect role model.

Me: I don’t mean to be cold, but you say it like he was close to being perfect when in fact Omri sinned against the Lord more than any of his predecessors right?

K.A: Yes, but he moved the capital of the Northern Kingdom of Israel from Tirzah to Samaria. The military and strategic implications of that move were profound. We were more strategically located than all the major cities in all directions, so you see he wasn’t all evil. Besides, how can I judge him when I turned out worse?

Me: I was coming to that. Ahab, you were the oldest of three boys. You knew your dad and were old enough to see his mistakes and its consequences. Why on earth did you repeat them, and on a greater scale? I mean the Bible at some point even states “There was no one else who had devoted himself so completely to doing wrong in the Lord’s sight as Ahab.” Chaa, yawa o.

K.A:  I want it to go on record, that I’m not being a coward or a snitch by saying this behind her back, but Jezebel was the reason for it. Read More Me & The Most Notorious Old Testament King.

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