This was one of the most popular posts on Goldinwords before the hack (back then I had the faith to get a license, but the car was still a prayer topic). I enjoyed writing it because it was such a beautiful challenge. There are several misconceptions about Christmas and the birth of Jesus, but the opinionated donkey that transported Mary to Bethlehem enlightens us today.

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I can talk to animals! No jokes. I discovered this rare gift last Thursday when I was returning home from work. There was a dog snail-crossing the road my troskie was speeding on. I was sitting in the front passenger seat and the driver looked like he’d had enough with these more-daring-than-men creatures. He was intent on running the dog over. In dreadful horror I closed my eyes, tightened my butt cheeks, twitched my toes and bit my lips. It dawned on me that the dog must have been born on a Tuesday, so in my mind I screamed “Kwabena, son of a bitch. Quicken your steps lest your lazy walk ends you up in animalistic hell.” There and then noorr the dog leaped and barely escaped the tires of the thundering rusty tin of a bus.

I looked back to be sure, and he held my gaze for a few seconds before reducing to a dot as my troskie rattled on. It was strange but undeniable when I heard in my ears “Mortal man, you saved my life, God bless you. I’ve impregnated some of the babes in the area, you can have a pup when they’re due.”

My eyes widened like two 50 pesewa coins as I slammed my back into the seat I was in. ‘My gosh!’ I thought ‘I am a mutant. I had to contact my X-Men family!

But of all the mutant gifts I could have, why that? Why not Cyclops’s cool laser-eyes or Wolverine’s super strength and fast-healing abilities? At least kraa, if my Animal Language Fluency (ALF) powers could be topped up with some Magneto ability, I’ll be attractive in more than one sense of the word ;-). But o well, at least I had something most mortals didn’t have, or you do?

So in what way was I going to use my new-found gift to most impact humanity? I thought hard and long, then it clicked “Wait a minute, it’s Christmas, and we all know how Mary, Joseph, the three wise men, the shepherds, Herod and the Inn keeper felt about the birth of baby Jesus, but what about the animals in that manger? What’s their take on everything? Who has cared to ask them, to find out if what they saw was what exactly the Bible says happened? I decided to summon and interrogate a key eyewitness.

O yeah, I didn’t say earlier, but my mutancy allows me to do more than communicate with animals, I can summon them as well, even from as far back as 001BC. And that’s what I did; I linked up with Don Kay, the Mary transporter. He was grumpy and felt uncomfortable in my 21st century crib, but my curiosity was intense, I really wanted to know what happened, so I went straight to my questions.

Me: So how did you feel about having been the means of transport?

Don Kay: Okay. I mean yeah, from Nazareth to Bethlehem’s a long trip; three miles less than Accra to Kumasi, and we did it on my back! At the time, I didn’t know I was part of history being made and animal rights were unpopular then, so I was just doing my job you know.

Me: Yeah. People are saying it wasn’t you, that it was a horse or a camel, but not a donkey. What’s your take on that? Read More Me And The Bethlehem Donkey.


Screen Shot 2014-12-25 at 2.47.37 PMI have a very controversial view of the things that make Christmas Christmas. I think Carols, the economy, Santa, ECG, promos and their cohorts are distractions and thieves. They have slowly established themselves as the power brokers who can strip Christmas of its awesomeness if they please. I resent that.

At the heart of it, Christmas is about an extraordinary birth. That particular birth was the first move of the best chess game ever played. It was the beginning of a 33 yearlong ‘Italian job’. It was the first scene of a movie that had been scripted long long ago.

That birth had resurrection in mind. The cross was aaalll that manger was thinking about. The baby messiah had you and I in mind way before he could crawl. He understood that all talk and no action was dull. So He did. He entered the manger saying “There, I did it. I dialed the number, there’s no hanging up now. By the time this call ends, you will know grace and be eligible to enjoy an eternity you couldn’t imagine and didn’t sweat over.” Read More What I Hate About Christmas.


me to useWhy don’t we fill ourselves in on what’s been buzzing since we last talked? I’ll start. My best friend and housemate got married to his longtime sweetheart, which meant one of us had to move out. Since it was his dad’s house we’d been sharing for the past couple of years, the issue of who to move didn’t need to go to court.

It was a beautiful purple and gold wedding at a pristine park and yours truly was best man proper. ‘Prince Collection’ generously offered to suit-up the groom and me I, which is it? When I finally got my suit the night before the wedding, it was the only black one they had in stock and three sizes smaller! An expensive suit three sizes smaller, the night before the wedding, and I was too broke to go shopping. I lost appetite. All of it. I wished I could accumulate two months of gymming and dieting in one night. Never more had I envied the bodies of carpenters and masons.  Miraculously, I looked good it looked good on me the following day. Only thing was I couldn’t button the jacket. As you can see, it’s not like I’m fat too o, just blessed.

O then we got two weeks off work and goats for Christmas. That was delicious! I had it at my new apartment, which you should come check out some time, like seriously. I also went to this party Gunshotmy friend TT held for the kids of area squatters. Herh! There are no kids in Ghana these days o. I also learned that I had anger and jealousy potential. Then I learned how to keep them in check. I watched Breaking Bad like I was being paid to. That Walter White guy is on point!

Honestly though, I think the best thing I did this entire break was attending a prayer camp meeting my church organized. I am not a prayer warrior. Not even a prayer ball boy, so two days at a chain-prayer meeting was unprecedented, but I’d been very keen on attending. I mean, isn’t a fool the man who does the same thing in the same way over again, then expects a different result? Because of the kind of results I’m expecting this year nu, I doubt last year’s fuel will suffice.

As people seriously prayed, I fantasized my Read More My Christmas Confessions.

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