I want to talk to you about a skeptic, a fearoo so fearoo he couldn’t have sat through a Karishika movie, a coward and a no body who became one of my favourite Bible characters ever! Gideon’s story is gold to me because it washes so many misconceptions that had filled me with useless fears.

I used to think that doubting God’s promise meant missing it. That if you were believing God for something and for just one aboskitikiti moment, you wondered if He was able or if it would happen then darrisit, aint gonna happen. I used to think that fear meant defeat; that if I feared something, I’d given it power to happen. I had this military no-nonsense approach to faith and fear. It trapped me for so long, making me feel gloomy and vulnerable and paranoid, making me walk on eggshells. I didn’t understand what He meant when He said He understands we’re made of dust. I hadn’t read or understood Gideon’s story. I do now, and I’d like to pay you same courtesy. Can I? If your answer is no po it’s not like I can hear you so oya! Make we just hurry dey go.

When God first hit Gideon up, the man was hiding in a winepress to thresh wheat. That’s like pounding fufu on your bed because you don’t want your land lord’s trouble. He said to him, “The LORD is with you, o brave man.” God’s not dumb or deaf, he could see the man’s heart beating like a corn mill machine. he heard the man scream “Awurade, m’awu!” He still called him brave! 

 

Then He told Gideon to go in his (Gideon’s) great strength and save Israel from the hand of Midian. It was absurd! The kind of command or prophesy that gets you questioning the anointing on a pastor’s life. When Gideon answered with excuses about being the least important in a family from the weakest clan, it didn’t disqualify him. Rather, God answered “…I will help you. You will crush the Midianites as if they were only one man.”

Authors feeling: wawolo!! sosskket! Read More Me And The Old Testament Coward!

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I’ve heard that marriages have broken over toothpaste; husband squeezes from the middle, wife from the bottom, wahala, over. Cutlery recently ended another marriage. Hubby was put off when wife didn’t bring food with cutlery, wife couldn’t believe hubby couldn’t appreciate the effort she’d put into making food and rather focused on cutlery he could get himself also, wahala, over.

Toilet seats, too much salt, milk finishing too quickly have all ended marriages, but the chart topper is kelewele. Kelewele my bredas, kelewele ended a marriage in 2016. Hubby picks up wife after work. En route home, hubby stops by his favourite kelewele joint. He buys GHC 7 with GHC 2 groundnut. She’s not so hungry so doesn’t want one for herself, but he knew she’d pick at his, hence the GHC 7 instead of his standard GHC 5. Read More How Kelewele Ended A Marriage

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Three years ago, due to undisclosable reasons, I was jolted into the realisation that I had to succeed much earlier than I’d planned. I realised that if I had to wait for the normal rate of advancement in my industry, I couldn’t pay the bride price for the daughter of the rich man I wanted to marry. Lol, which reminds me of one of my all time favourite Nigerian ads about this guy (Falz) being shocked by the 1 million Naira his prospective father in law was demanding as bride price for his daughter. If your data condition permits it, take a peak 😉 and let’s proceed.

You see, for such reasons as above, broda man has to be ingenious, has to find ways to make money from multiple legit streams of income. If your only shot at success is dependent on your boss getting in the mood to promote you, I don’t envy you at oooooorrrrr. For this reason, I am massively drawn to small boys and gerhs like me with massive ambitions. I have huge huge dreams, but among my friends I’m not the top dog kraa. Read More God Loves Doughnuts.

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All throughout this post, picture me with a hoarse, husky loud voice like the bulldog sergeant in your favourite war movie! Now. I’ve just watched a movie that’s made me contemplate visiting a vulcaniser to check out the leak in my eyes! I’m no cry baby, but every dog has it’s day. And you know me, I never go down alone. So we’re going to do this TOOOGEEETHHEER! YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I’d heard people talking about Hacksaw Ridge, Hacksaw Ridge. Meanwhile me all I knew was hacksaw blade. Regardless, I felt the urge to just click on it and see something. Now if you know me even a little bit you know i’m a movie connoisseur. I can sniff a good movie faster than a ninja can kick, but with all my skills in movie telling, I wasn’t ready for Hacksaw Ridge. It’s like no action/war movie that’s ever been made. It’s like ‘the Expendables’ meets ‘touched by an angel’.

It’s not love I feel for the movie, it’s a potpourri of the strongest emotions. It’s the verb of that adjective ‘brave’. It’s the action packed demonstration of what a man is capable of when he decides to make God the centre of his life, no matter where that life leads him. It’s the ability to carry your conviction and your belief to the thickest ‘peer pressure’ zone. My gaawwddd, that movie’s got my blood pumping like a horny hubby rabbit on viagra. Read More The Best Movie I Ever Watched!

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So I’ve been married, what? like two months and I’ve cracked it! I figured out best practices on how to cheat on your Mrs. It’s not rocket science really, and if this doesn’t work, I’m offering a money-back guarantee! See, these days, a wedding ring turns more women on than ripped abs and fake slangs. Just flash that ring and they be like “Oooohh mmyyy, that Mrs. sure is lucky! My goodness. Have you been treating her right? do you make her happy? are you sure? (giggles) really? You wanna show me?”

Last week, my married cousin passed by my office with Naa, our mutual friend. Sam’s a nice guy. Nice, respectable guy. leads Bible study in church but is not an uptight Christian. He has the blackest lips! When we were talking, I couldn’t help but notice the purple smudge on his lip. Naa had gone to use the washroom so it was just us talking. The more we spoke, the harder it became to ignore the smudge on his lip. Naa’s lipstick was purple. Very quickly, my mind connected the dots! So I asked “Wait a minute, Sam, there is lipstick on your lips. How did lipstick get on your lips!?”

His heart missed a beat, but it didn’t show in his calm countenance. He just wiped hard and said dismissively “Oh it’s nothing, just a French way of saying hi.”

I laughed till I choked. “Eeeeeyiii! Gyimitoooottto! French ebaaadzi?! French way of saying ‘hi’. Then how’ll they say ‘How are you?’ Nonsense, but how can you try to BS me? you know i’m too smart for that!”

His face was all kinds of silly. Read More How To Cheat On Your Wife.

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I hate forwarded messages. Okay, maybe hate is too strong, I passionately dislike them. I’m also not a big fan of recycled seasonal messages. This Easter, there’re a ton of generic images and messages going round. I’m not really interested in that because I think there’s a deeper issue. Look, you cant fool me. You know what Easter is all about. You know it’s about Jesus dying for your sins blah blah blah, the facts of the matter have been plain to us since Sunday School.

“It’s good to keep reminding ourselves” you say. But our issue isn’t forgetfulness, it is conscious indifference. We have so numbed our senses that all those Easter verses and images, they don’t really tickle us anymore. Easter, and so? People be sending whatsapps like “About this time, Judas  was getting ready to delete himself from the 12 disciples whatsapp group. It’s all fun and games. We’re more grateful for the long weekend than the blood that was shed. It’s not out of ignorance, it’s just that….and so what? Well, I’m going to try to bring it home. I’ll try.

When I was a foetus, I had an unusually big head. At the time, they didn’t care if it was genius or what, you had to go. The doctor gave my mum a hard choice “We either terminate your pregnancy, or that pregnancy terminates you. Don’t get it twisted, one of you will die.” I wasn’t born yet, so I wont have taken it personal, but my mum said “NO!. If I lose my life whilst having him, well so be it!” Read More Easter And So What?

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I’m not that tall, but when I stand on my lyrics, you lie baadd! I can give you vibes aaah, you’ll have to tip toe to reach my shoulder. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard people say “Eiiii you thhiiissss bbooyy! I cant wait to see who you end up marrying!” So many people said it that I started getting really curious myself…and a little worried too; who was I going to end up marrying?

I’m told I have a sense of humour, and gorgeous women love men who can keep a smile on their faces. When a fine girl comes from money, is mature or has been bad long enough, she KNOWS, that it’s not all about the money. That’s where my kind get’s the upper hand. I will do you logoligi saaaah, you wont even check my tithe.

But even funny fine guys have issues. I have my issues. I can be critical, overly analytical, sometimes lazy, a little dramatic, a photographic memory, plus a tad too much ego. Unless it’s exceptionally stimulating, it’s hard for me to keep a sustained interest in one thing for too long, that’s why advertising is so cool, I get to work on many brands at the same time. I knew I was so some way that I wasn’t expecting to run into the woman I’d marry anytime soon. Read More How I Met My Wife

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Fam, it’s been a while, and don’t you think for a moment that I’ve forgotten about you. Thing is, when I blindly repeated after my pastor “This is my year of possessing my possessions! I shall claim all that is mine! Every inheritance of mine comes to me in Jesus name!”, I had no idea He’d take me so seriously so quickly. It’s only March but enough amazing stuff have happened to fill a year, top of which is…shhhh…wait for it. Top of which is….AAAIIIII GGGAAAATTTT MMAARRIIEEEEDDD!

I deeeeed, i deeeed fam. I got my gold in words dipped in some hot marital sauce.Yes yes, i know, you’re right, there were no pre wedding photos, there was next to no publicity but still I am better than Adele. The Mrs. is  amazing and you most likely know her. She was the wife in Mistress of My Life- The Krobosutra story, she inspired ‘The SEXIEST Thing About My Dream Wife’ and the all-time best post ever on this site; ‘Made By A Woman.’ plus several others. Read More Goldinwords Has A Mrs!

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So my friend’s lifelong dream of travelling to the US was dashed last Thursday, not due to a Trump executive order, his story is more graphic. His whole office knew he was going for a visa interview. His wife was preparing a visa approved supper and intra-copular after-parry. He wore his favourite suit and had his ashrishrishri game on like no one’s business. In fact my friend’s ashrishri game is so tight I was sure the consular officer was going to confuse him for a childhood friend. But alas, that was not to be.

The impudent officer didn’t care who the heck my friend was or the non refundable dollars that was on the line here. He didn’t care that my friend with his vivid imagination had already arrived at JFK and was only waiting for his giant brown suitcase to show up on the carousel so he’d check out into the chilly New York morning. He didn’t care that this my friend already had a $200 winter jacket gift from his cousin in his baggage, waiting to be worn on arrival. He was too busy, he had a lot to do, he just wasn’t buying my friend’s story, so there and then nor he bounced the guy. Chaaiiiii, wharrashock! My friend -being accustomed to bribing Ghana police- wasn’t sure whether slipping a GHC 5 note to this guy would make a difference. Read More The Prophet Is Too Busy For You!

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In the 70s, 80s and early 90s, there was no social media, the world wasn’t as fast moving as it is now so married men watched DSTV in-between the thighs of house helps and other mistresses. I doubt I know someone without a stepsibling; even I have a couple myself. It’s like the norm of the age; if you didn’t have a step, you weren’t trendy and your dad was dolu. Not having a step back then is like not knowing what #Onaapo means now.

Generous spermination isn’t the only fault our fathers had. Many were tyrants. They ruled mothers and children like colonies. How dare you tell me ‘eh’?! Some were like that man who slapped his son for no reason. Son’s eyes welled up with tears he hadn’t budgeted for “But, but, but what did I do dad?” With a scowl on his face, dad said “Just in case.” Read More I Don’t Want To Be Like My Father!

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