I’ve heard that marriages have broken over toothpaste; husband squeezes from the middle, wife from the bottom, wahala, over. Cutlery recently ended another marriage. Hubby was put off when wife didn’t bring food with cutlery, wife couldn’t believe hubby couldn’t appreciate the effort she’d put into making food and rather focused on cutlery he could get himself also, wahala, over.

Toilet seats, too much salt, milk finishing too quickly have all ended marriages, but the chart topper is kelewele. Kelewele my bredas, kelewele ended a marriage in 2016. Hubby picks up wife after work. En route home, hubby stops by his favourite kelewele joint. He buys GHC 7 with GHC 2 groundnut. She’s not so hungry so doesn’t want one for herself, but he knew she’d pick at his, hence the GHC 7 instead of his standard GHC 5. Read More How Kelewele Ended A Marriage

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Three years ago, due to undisclosable reasons, I was jolted into the realisation that I had to succeed much earlier than I’d planned. I realised that if I had to wait for the normal rate of advancement in my industry, I couldn’t pay the bride price for the daughter of the rich man I wanted to marry. Lol, which reminds me of one of my all time favourite Nigerian ads about this guy (Falz) being shocked by the 1 million Naira his prospective father in law was demanding as bride price for his daughter. If your data condition permits it, take a peak 😉 and let’s proceed.

You see, for such reasons as above, broda man has to be ingenious, has to find ways to make money from multiple legit streams of income. If your only shot at success is dependent on your boss getting in the mood to promote you, I don’t envy you at oooooorrrrr. For this reason, I am massively drawn to small boys and gerhs like me with massive ambitions. I have huge huge dreams, but among my friends I’m not the top dog kraa. Read More God Loves Doughnuts.

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All throughout this post, picture me with a hoarse, husky loud voice like the bulldog sergeant in your favourite war movie! Now. I’ve just watched a movie that’s made me contemplate visiting a vulcaniser to check out the leak in my eyes! I’m no cry baby, but every dog has it’s day. And you know me, I never go down alone. So we’re going to do this TOOOGEEETHHEER! YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

I’d heard people talking about Hacksaw Ridge, Hacksaw Ridge. Meanwhile me all I knew was hacksaw blade. Regardless, I felt the urge to just click on it and see something. Now if you know me even a little bit you know i’m a movie connoisseur. I can sniff a good movie faster than a ninja can kick, but with all my skills in movie telling, I wasn’t ready for Hacksaw Ridge. It’s like no action/war movie that’s ever been made. It’s like ‘the Expendables’ meets ‘touched by an angel’.

It’s not love I feel for the movie, it’s a potpourri of the strongest emotions. It’s the verb of that adjective ‘brave’. It’s the action packed demonstration of what a man is capable of when he decides to make God the centre of his life, no matter where that life leads him. It’s the ability to carry your conviction and your belief to the thickest ‘peer pressure’ zone. My gaawwddd, that movie’s got my blood pumping like a horny hubby rabbit on viagra. Read More The Best Movie I Ever Watched!

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So I’ve been married, what? like two months and I’ve cracked it! I figured out best practices on how to cheat on your Mrs. It’s not rocket science really, and if this doesn’t work, I’m offering a money-back guarantee! See, these days, a wedding ring turns more women on than ripped abs and fake slangs. Just flash that ring and they be like “Oooohh mmyyy, that Mrs. sure is lucky! My goodness. Have you been treating her right? do you make her happy? are you sure? (giggles) really? You wanna show me?”

Last week, my married cousin passed by my office with Naa, our mutual friend. Sam’s a nice guy. Nice, respectable guy. leads Bible study in church but is not an uptight Christian. He has the blackest lips! When we were talking, I couldn’t help but notice the purple smudge on his lip. Naa had gone to use the washroom so it was just us talking. The more we spoke, the harder it became to ignore the smudge on his lip. Naa’s lipstick was purple. Very quickly, my mind connected the dots! So I asked “Wait a minute, Sam, there is lipstick on your lips. How did lipstick get on your lips!?”

His heart missed a beat, but it didn’t show in his calm countenance. He just wiped hard and said dismissively “Oh it’s nothing, just a French way of saying hi.”

I laughed till I choked. “Eeeeeyiii! Gyimitoooottto! French ebaaadzi?! French way of saying ‘hi’. Then how’ll they say ‘How are you?’ Nonsense, but how can you try to BS me? you know i’m too smart for that!”

His face was all kinds of silly. Read More How To Cheat On Your Wife.

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EVERYONE knows the famous “ask and you shall receive” verse. Eeeeverryyyyone and their grandmother. I’m one of those people who falters between not asking because how-can-you-make-something-like-that-happen and ask-anyway-because-theres-the-likelihood-you-wont-get-it-mpo.

Typically, I end up at ask-anyway. Because I’m all for shoot-your-shot and see where it lands.

My favourite (I know, I know, you’re not really supposed to have favourites, but stay with me) verse regarding prayer and whether or not it gets answered is when God asks Moses, “is my hand waxed short?” Every time I think about asking for something and I think it might be too big an ask, I try to remind myself of that.

How can it be too big, do you know who you’re asking? My friend, ask worhor. “ – is the running monologue I have with myself.

Read More This Kind Prayer

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I hate forwarded messages. Okay, maybe hate is too strong, I passionately dislike them. I’m also not a big fan of recycled seasonal messages. This Easter, there’re a ton of generic images and messages going round. I’m not really interested in that because I think there’s a deeper issue. Look, you cant fool me. You know what Easter is all about. You know it’s about Jesus dying for your sins blah blah blah, the facts of the matter have been plain to us since Sunday School.

“It’s good to keep reminding ourselves” you say. But our issue isn’t forgetfulness, it is conscious indifference. We have so numbed our senses that all those Easter verses and images, they don’t really tickle us anymore. Easter, and so? People be sending whatsapps like “About this time, Judas  was getting ready to delete himself from the 12 disciples whatsapp group. It’s all fun and games. We’re more grateful for the long weekend than the blood that was shed. It’s not out of ignorance, it’s just that….and so what? Well, I’m going to try to bring it home. I’ll try.

When I was a foetus, I had an unusually big head. At the time, they didn’t care if it was genius or what, you had to go. The doctor gave my mum a hard choice “We either terminate your pregnancy, or that pregnancy terminates you. Don’t get it twisted, one of you will die.” I wasn’t born yet, so I wont have taken it personal, but my mum said “NO!. If I lose my life whilst having him, well so be it!” Read More Easter And So What?

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“Brian, stop this! I won’t stand for this much more oh!”

He paid her no heed and sneered as he pushed her back once more, causing her to back into the wall so she could no more retreat any further.

Brian was a nasty drunk – but that was only part of the problem that evening.

Ewurafua had disposed of every single bottle of alcohol in the house and he was pissed that he’d started his binge after work only to come to a house devoid of his ‘nightcap’ before bed. If he was to be honest to himself though, he would have admitted that his anger that particular night stemmed from some difficulties at work – talk about bringing your work home!

She tried to back out of his reach in a dash to the side but he’d predicted her next move and in a flash was there.

“I bet you think you’re better than me now eh?’ He slurred his words only slightly but the added wicked glint in his eyes caused her heart to sink. He wasn’t drunk enough to fall asleep any moment. He would come after her soon.

She tried to duck under the arm he placed in her way to the right but he moved to block her escape.

“Herh! Where do you think you’re going?”

“But Brian you’re-”

The hot slap that landed was a shock, and then again not so much of one. This was usually how it began.  Read More MMA at Home!

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I’m not that tall, but when I stand on my lyrics, you lie baadd! I can give you vibes aaah, you’ll have to tip toe to reach my shoulder. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard people say “Eiiii you thhiiissss bbooyy! I cant wait to see who you end up marrying!” So many people said it that I started getting really curious myself…and a little worried too; who was I going to end up marrying?

I’m told I have a sense of humour, and gorgeous women love men who can keep a smile on their faces. When a fine girl comes from money, is mature or has been bad long enough, she KNOWS, that it’s not all about the money. That’s where my kind get’s the upper hand. I will do you logoligi saaaah, you wont even check my tithe.

But even funny fine guys have issues. I have my issues. I can be critical, overly analytical, sometimes lazy, a little dramatic, a photographic memory, plus a tad too much ego. Unless it’s exceptionally stimulating, it’s hard for me to keep a sustained interest in one thing for too long, that’s why advertising is so cool, I get to work on many brands at the same time. I knew I was so some way that I wasn’t expecting to run into the woman I’d marry anytime soon. Read More How I Met My Wife

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Poems

Fam, it’s been a while, and don’t you think for a moment that I’ve forgotten about you. Thing is, when I blindly repeated after my pastor “This is my year of possessing my possessions! I shall claim all that is mine! Every inheritance of mine comes to me in Jesus name!”, I had no idea He’d take me so seriously so quickly. It’s only March but enough amazing stuff have happened to fill a year, top of which is…shhhh…wait for it. Top of which is….AAAIIIII GGGAAAATTTT MMAARRIIEEEEDDD!

I deeeeed, i deeeed fam. I got my gold in words dipped in some hot marital sauce.Yes yes, i know, you’re right, there were no pre wedding photos, there was next to no publicity but still I am better than Adele. The Mrs. is  amazing and you most likely know her. She was the wife in Mistress of My Life- The Krobosutra story, she inspired ‘The SEXIEST Thing About My Dream Wife’ and the all-time best post ever on this site; ‘Made By A Woman.’ plus several others. Read More Goldinwords Has A Mrs!

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