For a guy, porn is like the easiest thing to get addicted to. If making it in life was as easy as getting addicted to porn, broke guys would be as rare as an eclipse. It is such a seemingly normal but intensely powerful addiction to have. I myself was addicted to porn for years. In Commonwealth Hall, even if you wanted to steer clear of it, your roomies’ pen drive you borrowed to just copy an assignment will have some Brazilian one on it. Or you’d be returning from studying late and then be confronted by the live action going on on the computer screen of the guys two rooms before yours who didn’t bother to close the door.

In Legon it was easier to find porn than those small blue New Testament Bibles. I knew guys with a porn stash huge enough to run a 30 minute weekly show on TV for 25 years without repeating an episode. Their hard drives were so full of porn I wondered if that’s why they called them hard drives. Porn is probably the most successful dark manoeuvre because it has become as normal as a glass of beer. There is no shame in watching porn these days, in fact the coolest dudes share porn clips as jokes. Back in the day, a funny video would be of Lil Wyn saying ‘I cant think far.’ Now it’s of a guy staring at a wobbly jelly ass and tripping into a gutter.  It’s so ‘funny’, it’s normal…surely, it couldn’t be wrong. Or could it? Read More The Porn Constipation

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IT was almost Christmas and I was checking in with one of my girls, Aba. She was getting ready to make a trip home. She was, understandably, excited because she planned a trip the year before and couldn’t make it. I didn’t help by telling her how much she missed out. As per usual, we had already made plans and were ready to discuss how we were going to spend Christmas. We also planned for spontaneous plans. I know. However, Aba in Ghana always means something spontaneous is going to happen. Said something usually involves some man.

“Are you excited?” I asked.

“Small”

“Because all your boys are there,” I retorted.

“On the lowest key, I’m excited to get regular smooches.”

“Waa shr3, I know you too well. Kwame and Bobby?”

“Not Bobby anymore. He’ll be there, but more Kwame.”

“You might get married to Kwame.”

“Don’t even go there.”

“I’ve gone papa.”

“Haha. Hmm. Not unless he changes.”

“Oh please, you were there supporting his trifling behaviour, he’s not going to change.”

Read More You Cannot Do Better

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Reverend Kwaku Asaph was beaming from ear to ear. This would be his last sermon at the main City branch of the United Christian Church in Ghana but he seemed to have overcome the deep sadness he’d been feeling ever since he’d finally decided to retire from active pastoring.

He’d felt led to do so ever since two months ago when he’d received that letter but as a pastor, he’d warred within for the first month. In fact, he’d started by binding the still voice, fasting and praying for 14 days at a point! He’d finally accepted the conviction as genuine when he’d been woken up from sleep one morning. A quiet voice, as clear as a bell but as soft as a breeze, spoke next to his ear, Isaiah 43:19…

He’d rolled over in bed, careful not to disturb the Rev. Mrs., and reached for his reference bible. He’d taken to sleeping with a dimmed night light on over the past few months so he could see the words clearly now in its light. He smiled as he quietly repeated the words to himself:

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

If he had any doubts about the veracity of the idea that had been bouncing around in his mind over the past month or so, this Word silenced it.

A bit prone to the dramatic, the Reverend lay back on the bed with his bible spread out on his chest and smiled as he drifted off to sleep again.

Can’t wait for this Sunday… Read More The Last Sermon

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The first woman i officially loved and dated, i met in a chatroom –clubgh.com i think that’s what it was called. I was shining knight and she was shanniqua. i had just finished Presec Legon and she’d just finished Gey Hey. She lived in the same area i was born and grew up in. Goodness God!” i thought, “this internet thing is good oh!”. It was in 2004, Zuckerberg was still brainstorming Facebook at the time.

After a few weeks of chatting, we met. She. Was. Fiiiiiinnnneee! What a particulars! My close friends found it hard being happy for me. Because well, they were human…if wishes were horses…During our first year in Legon, the only reason i was known was because I was with her. People said she was the hottest girl in our year group, but she was so down to earth! They couldn’t believe she was MY bae. Even more, they couldn’t believe that we met on a chat room. Me i thought it was naaarrmal. So fast forward a few years later, we’d broken up (as was the order of the immature days), and i got thinking…could i find another Shanniqua in a chatroom? So i went to…i cant remember if it was Hi5 or the same old clubgh, and started chatting this gerh bi. i had this format i used to help me decide early on if i was wasting my time or not. Read More Show Me Your Particulars Baby.

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This was one of the most popular posts on Goldinwords before the hack -my cherished trotro days. I enjoyed writing it because it was such a beautiful challenge. There are several misconceptions about Christmas and the birth of Jesus, but the opinionated donkey that transported Mary to Bethlehem enlightens us today.

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I can talk to animals! No jokes. I discovered this rare gift last Thursday when I was returning home from work. There was a dog snail-crossing the road my troskie was speeding on. I was sitting in the front passenger seat and the driver looked like he’d had enough with these more-daring-than-men creatures. He was intent on running the dog over. In dreadful horror I closed my eyes, tightened my butt cheeks, twitched my toes and bit my lips. It dawned on me that the dog must have been born on a Tuesday, so in my mind I screamed “Kwabena, son of a bitch. Quicken your steps lest your lazy walk ends you up in animalistic hell.” There and then noorr the dog leaped and barely escaped the tires of the thundering rusty tin of a bus.

I looked back to be sure, and he held my gaze for a few seconds before reducing to a dot as my troskie rattled on. It was strange but undeniable when I heard in my ears “Mortal man, you saved my life, God bless you. I’ve impregnated some of the babes in the area, you can have a pup when they’re due.”

My eyes widened like two 50 pesewa coins as I slammed my back into the seat I was in. ‘My gosh!’ I thought ‘I am a mutant. I had to contact my X-Men family!

But of all the mutant gifts I could have, why that? Why not Cyclops’s cool laser-eyes or Wolverine’s super strength and fast-healing abilities? At least kraa, if my Animal Language Fluency (ALF) powers could be topped up with some Magneto ability, I’ll be attractive in more than one sense of the word ;-). But o well, at least I had something most mortals didn’t have, or you do?

So in what way was I going to use my new-found gift to most impact humanity? I thought hard and long, then it clicked “Wait a minute, it’s Christmas, and we all know how Mary, Joseph, the three wise men, the shepherds, Herod and the Inn keeper felt about the birth of baby Jesus, but what about the animals in that manger? What’s their take on everything? Who has cared to ask them, to find out if what they saw was what exactly the Bible says happened? I decided to summon and interrogate a key eyewitness.

O yeah, I didn’t say earlier, but my mutancy allows me to do more than communicate with animals, I can summon them as well, even from as far back as 001BC. And that’s what I did; I linked up with Don Kay, the Mary transporter. He was grumpy and felt uncomfortable in my 21st century crib, but my curiosity was intense, I really wanted to know what happened, so I went straight to my questions.

Me: So how did you feel about having been the means of transport?

Don Kay: Okay. I mean yeah, from Nazareth to Bethlehem’s a long trip; three miles less than Accra to Kumasi, and we did it on my back! At the time, I didn’t know I was part of history being made and animal rights were unpopular then, so I was just doing my job you know.

Me: Yeah. People are saying it wasn’t you, that it was a horse or a camel, but not a donkey. What’s your take on that? Read More Me And The Bethlehem Donkey.

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It’s been a bumpy long ride, but today we end the Heartbreak Series! I’m glad you’re still here with me to find out how it finally goes down! In case this is your first time encountering this, though, you need to meet Chris first, then the Wedding he went to, before Eduwa’s story finally. Trust me today: you’ll love this one. Don’t forget your comfortable spot and chilled drink before you start o…

 

The sudden exposure to the cold water shocked him back to alertness immediately. The drowsiness, however, left a fading sense of confusion as the last traces of the drug worked its way out of his system.

How did I get here? What’s going on?

heart4-sailHe reflexively kicked for the surface as he felt the tightening in his chest that signaled a pending need for another breath. He broke the surface after a few desperate kicks, taking a greedy gulp of the cold bay air. He spotted the small yacht about 100 metres off already – no one seemed to be at the helm of the lithe craft, but the sails were loose. The shore was much farther than he remembered now, the twinkling lights barely visible.

Taking another deep breath, he struck for the boat, praying silently in his head.

I hope Eduwa is okay… Read More The Physiotherapy for a Heartbreak

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Most of my female friends are hot! It’s not like I discriminate, but me too that’s my portion. As for the Mrs, don’t go there! In another life, without Jesus, I’ll have been a top class pimp with an array of fiiiinnne gerhs purer than the methane Walter made in

Fine gerhs? Mi w) bi paaah
Fine gerhs? Mi w) bi paaah

Breaking Bad. Whaaaaatt! Gerhs papa paaah. We have natural haired, weave haired, perm haired, serious body, standard body, petite package, halfco level, tuntum ahuorfe, porsh car drivers, trotro takers….ky3r3 se, the product range is solid.

When you are friends with hot girls, you hear stories. Not those flimsy stories about cars stopping, windows rolling down, ‘pretty gerh where are you going?’ stories o, like serious serious ones!

Last week, Alice was telling me “So he called to say he was outside and would like to see me. I thought about it a minute and said ok, I’ll be there shortly. I took my time and strolled outside. There noorr, he whipped out $100. I was like ‘what’s that for?’ he said ‘Walking allowance.”

Did you see that fam? like did you seeee that? Walking alloowance! Awurade, where the sugar mummies at? Look, I’ll jog a mile for some jogging allowance. When I think of all the walking I’ve walked in my life, you’ll have been reading about me on Forbes if I had some willing donor giving walking allowance. Read More Chop My Money –Confessions Of A Hot Girl

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Hello, people! This week’s continuation of the Heartbreak Series is a long one, but I assure you it’s the best so far! 

So Chris went through one rough heartbreak and was in the doldrums until he went for a wedding, and met an exceptional young woman – Eduwa. Today, you’ll be reading her own story as we build up this piece to its unexpected climax… It’s a long one, so make sure you’ve gotten a comfortable seat and drink at least first – you’ll love this one!

 

If nothing at all, Chris was cautious at this sudden new interest he seemed to have developed in Eduwa, but first of all, it was taking all of his effort to avoid focusing on the elephant in the room – that wheelchair. What was up with that?

He’d been thinking of her and what her story was right from the moment he’d sat in the taxi that drove him home a week ago. It was, however, obviously not the best of topics to be running through his mind as he sat outside her office at Akorful, Gyemibi and Associates before his first interview of the day.

heart3-interviewApparently, there was a series of 3 interview appointments set up for shortlisted associates in one day here, but the twist was that failing to make it through one automatically disqualified you from the subsequent interview. He’d already counted 5 young lawyers step in in the past hour, and he was still amongst the 8 remaining…all 5 had exited with grim looks on their faces that didn’t need a psychic to interpret as failure.

Ei this woman too, her head tron like so? He mentally mused as he adjusted his tie once more. She couldn’t be so bad after all…could she? At this point now, the last thing on his mind was her backstory.

“Mr. Christopher Asumeng? The Administrator will see you now.” Read More The Pathology of a Heartbreak

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Last year about this time, I was prepping myself to leave advertising. I was tired of the routine with our biggest client. I was sure that my next move would be to run my own gig…and then I got an offer to be Creative Director at a lesser-known agency. I just couldn’t refuse that offer. Not because of the money, but the challenge. I find challenges so seductive!

I bombed my BECE French because instead of just submitting the simple ‘My Self’ composition like everyone was doing, I cancelled it out and wrote the much more difficult ‘passe compose’ one that hardly anyone touched. I still haven’t learnt.

So I took this offer. Given my years in advertising, it was at least four years sooner than those openings normally come. I suspended my ‘going solo’ plans and bit. The shoes I stepped in were big European ones. It was ridiculously daunting. During introductions, all the clients commented in different ways about how young I look. They were multinational brands with multinational expectations and there was this kponyoor me. Read More God’s G-spot!

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Hey people! Remember this guy: Chris? Well, he finally got back to me so here’s what happened with him after that devastating experience…Enjoy!

 

Narrating the story to me, Chris would have liked to say that he walked away happy and relieved that he had dodged a bullet; that he had the best time the next day and each day subsequently was better than the preceding one…the truth was vastly different.

Walking into his self-contained tiny flat that night and swinging the door shut, it all came crashing back in full force and he sank to his knees, tears streaming freely down his face. The thumping within his chest intensified and with each beat he felt pain.

All this time, and of all days…

heart2-wrpHis eyes fell on the wrapped painting he’d gotten a professional artist to make of the two of them. The plan had been to have it delivered to her flat the next morning by courier as an early morning surprise. Now it just seemed like the first of many dry bits of ash in his mouth.

The air actually felt thinner for a second and though the tie around his neck was already loose he ripped it off as he gasped for air – panic attack! He’d heard about this from a friend before who seemed to suffer them every morning before a major exam and he’d laughed it off “Kwesi paa, small exam wey you dey fear so?”

Mercifully, he never realized when sleep took him as he lay on the shaggy carpet. And that was the last night he slept for over an hour at a time for the next 3 weeks… Read More The Physiology of a Heartbreak

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