So the other day, my Muse got to work and put this together for me…another chat across time and space, but with a different twist this time…
Welcome To #TeleTuesdays
Sweetheart, mother of my own…
This is the second letter I’m just leaving somewhere to gather dust till you find it someday down the line – and if you haven’t seen the first one, don’t worry, you’ll find it soon enough. I wrote them at different times and places in my life so my language and subject matter are different.
I remember the last one was actually from a place of Happiness and Delight. I remember being so hopeful that I would bump into you any day soon and having this whole optimistic outlook to everything…
I’m sorry babe but today I’m so down – it happened again. I thought I’d found you only for it to turn into another mirage. I’d like for you to believe that I’ve always been the strong man you’re more accustomed to presently but the truth is that I’ve been weak before. I’ve been broken before, I’ve been corruptible before, I’ve been petty before, I’ve been untrustworthy before. I’ve made excuses before, I’ve kept quiet before, I’ve lied before, I’ve lived a lie before. I’ve scraped rock bottom before, and not even just once – I actually made it my base before. And now, I’m circling the drain again…
I’m tempted to believe that it’s out of my hands, but even in my defeatist state, my mind won’t let that lie stand. A recurring theme of the past week is a Psychology lecture I heard somewhere years ago, something to do with Locus of Control – paraphrased it goes something like so long as you consider the control of things around you to be ‘outside’ yourself, you’ll have no hope of influencing them. I’m led to therefore believe that I have more than a say in where my life seems to be leading me.
Sure, I can be broke for days on end, but I won’t choose to steal because I have to eat – I will find a better way to survive because that power is in my hands today.
I know only too well how easy it would be to just let this wave of sadness and regret carry me away and wrongly order my steps, but I won’t take the easy path sweetie – you wouldn’t want me to. More and more I’m convinced that the sort of woman you’ll turn out to be won’t give me the luxury of excuses for bad behaviour, so just look at that – you’re already influencing me positively before I meet/met you (this past/future letter is really challenging my small blofo o! 😀 )
Yesterday I was really down and the ever present temptation to let go of some of my principles just so I could Feel Something again got a booster shot and began to pound even harder, incessantly on my barriers. It would have been so easy to ignore them once more as I did in the past and do my own thing dearie…but I won’t this time. I’ve been here before and gone that way before, and I remember where it led me, so I won’t walk down that path this time. Remember that Magic System song ‘Premier Gaou’? Je ne suis pas une triosieme gaou 😉
No matter how daunting loneliness looks like this time, I won’t take the easy way out by lowering my standards just to fill this empty hole in me – it is My Hole and good or bad, I own it. I’ll choose to fill it with good friends, good books, hard satisfying work and good fun. I choose to take this moment of solitude as an Opportunity to upgrade myself once more because I’ve got to become that strong man who’ll be there for you and our family through anything that comes. I choose to look up to the sun this once instead of down to the ground.
As usual, I miss you already and I can’t wait to meet you – but I will. Ever wondered how come even now I know you’ll be just wonderful?? Because even now, when I haven’t even met you, just chatting across space and time with you has made my clouds disappear. You haven’t spoken a word and yet I already feel loads better.
I’m sorry if you feel pressured now – I know how worryingly high the pedestal I seem to have placed you on seems but please don’t stress yourself over it at all. Let me reassure you that I (will/already) love every single aspect of you, both your many gifts and shortfalls, because that’s the kind of guy I am growing up to be every day. I cannot, and will not, choose to spend the rest of my life with anyone who I am not absolutely convinced is the very best choice I could ever make – so how/why would I pass up any opportunity to let you know I’m totally enamoured with you?
I’m sorry my dear, but I’ve got to now. Self-improvement won’t happen by itself you know?
By the way: Here’s an I.O.U. for you, just to say thank you for this favour you’ve done Past Me today that you can redeem from Present Me: This weekend, no matter what our original plans are, I’m taking you out. Just tell me “Mister, I found the Second One o” and I’ll know you’re referring to this. I’ll probably be this workaholic by now, but I’ll drop it all for you today. They say ‘a Cynic is just a Disappointed Romantic’, but what they neglect to mention is that Disappointment doesn’t last forever…
Don’t forget to hug me when I get home today please – I’m going through a lot right now that’s, if nothing at all, going to ensure I never take the least show of affection for granted. I’ll appreciate it, believe me.
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