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We Met At Mövenpick
I’ve always been fascinated by the romantic. In my last year of uni, I witnessed a full-grown boy jump unto the bonnet of a moving car in protest of the rich kid who was driving off with his Julie –not under duress. It was a weird combination of hilarious, serious and romantic.
But oh! I digress; this isn’t about desperate boyfriends or colluding girlfriends. Today, it’s all about Abraham & Sarah. These days anyone’s half-baked love story can get turned into a winding telenovela with an Alahandro or Jose Luis featuring prominently. But how about the father of nations and his woman? How was their relationship like? I’ve always wanted to know so much!
Funny thing is, I was in the same jeans and lacoste at the same spot I’d waited at, but there was so much less activity. You know how in your dreams you can see an Nkrumah statue beside the Statue of Liberty and it’ll seem normal? It was a lot like that. Abe (as I affectionately call him) was in a Woodin top over jeans (casual Friday) and Sarah….oohhh Sarah was in one of those long, flowing armless African print dresses. She wore a dark brown jacket over it. Before I could say a word, she smiled, reached out for a hug and said.
Abe & The Wife Snatchers
Sarah:Sorry Ben, should have notified you about the change of plans.
Me: Issorryyt, but did you guys not like Mövenpick? It’s like the classiest place in Accra right now o.
Sarah: Noo, it’s okay. It’s just that Abe spotted an Egyptian, and suddenly felt woozy.
Abe: Not true.
Sarah: Yes true. I saw the look in your eyes.
Me: Why? Why doesn’t he like Egyptians?
Sarah: The boy’s asking you something (She nudged him mischievously).
Abe: You wont understand Ben.
Me: Try me. There’re a couple of guys I don’t like myself.
Abe: Well –he hesitated- this is very different. Many years ago when we were much younger, famine drove us to Egypt. See I know my wife is hot. I knew if they knew we were an item, they’d smoke me out just like that. So I had Sarah tell them we were siblings. True to my expectation, Sarah did cause stares, the Pharoah did want her, eventually God showed up and well it ended pretty bad.
Me: No kidding! What was she then like 60, 70?
Abe: Somewhere between.
Me: And all the Egyptian hotties…? And the Pharoah…? Goodness Granny, you go gurl!
Abe: Yup, that’s my babe. Even when she was 90, she was turning heads.
Sarah: Whose head?
Abe: Ehhhmm, Abimelech for starters.
Me: Kinda reminds me of this Nigerian proverb I heard the other day. The man who has a beautiful wife has the same problem as the one with his corn field right beside the road.
We all rotfl!
Me: I’ve just gotto say, if there’s anything I learnt from you, it’s the need to commit yourself, your woman and your entire relationship into God’s hands.
Abe: That’s true, but why?
Me: That way if some home-breaking, wife snatching dude comes into the picture, he’ll have God to deal with. Skin diseases and all.
Me: It’s official, no disrespect, but you must have been the finest woman in Genesis.
Sarah: You’re too kind Ben.
Me: Well another thing I am is curious. How’d you feel about being made to lie?
Abe: Eh, hold it. It wasn’t a lie, technically. Sarah’s my sister. Not same mother, but same father. But she doesn’t need to answer this I mean, it’s not something I’m very proud of. Both times it was either my life, or…or the other.
Me: And Sarah, you were willing to go through both times? Didn’t you question if he really loved you?
Sarah: Well, you see Ben, men have been imperfect since my hay days. I mean those weren’t his brightest moments, but a few bad decisions shouldn’t irreparably ruin an otherwise good reputation. I mean Abe listens to me. He cooks well and helps in the kitchen, like when those three men came, and I’ve known him my whole life. He didn’t even cheat on me till I told him to.
Me: Yeah, why did you? It wasn’t like you had some in-laws breathing down your neck.
Sarah: You wont understand. You’re a guy. You can’t know how it feels like to feel your eggs drying up inside of you. I hear girls these days complaining of ticking biological clocks, mine was sprinting. I didn’t want to be the reason why a slave ended up inheriting Abe’s legacy.
Me: Was this before or after the angels came?
Sarah: Before. Way before.
Abe: See the promise about my descendants came many times. The first time was when I was just 75. Twenty-five years is a mighty long time to wait for something to come true you know.
Me: Yeah I get it. I’ve been waiting for the perfect woman, and I’m 28 already!
Abe: Hahaha. Work with what you have son. I mean Sarah’s all that and a bag of chips, but she can be a meeaaaaannnn meanie, you know.
Sarah: Wow wow wow. Tell me one time. Tell me ooonnnee time Kwabena Abraham!
Abe: Easy hun! Like the time you started having issues with Hagar. You unleashed venom on the poor girl till she run off into the wilderness and an angel commanded her to return.
Sarah: Well all this wont have happened if you hadn’t gone in and gotten her pregnant.
Abe: But it was –you know what, I wont even go down that lane. You’re right I’m wrong, forgive me.
Me: You go Abe! Just scored some major points there.
Abe: Know this Ben. God is almost always on their side. One time, she comes to me about this same Hagar issue, I just couldn’t get it. She wanted the woman gone! Then God comes to me and tells me to listen to my wife.
Me: Like seriously?
Abe: Like duh!
Sarah: I’m still here you know.
Abe: O forgive my dear, you know no one be like you.
How They Stayed In Love
Me: Wow. You guys kept things together for nearly a century. How’s that possible? These days governments last longer than most marriages. I knew this couple that got married and divorced in Kuffuor’s second term.
Sarah: It’s a decision Ben it’s always a decision. Quitting on a marriage because you suddenly don’t feel like it is like abandoning a car because it run low on petrol, or a camel because the hump came down. You decide to love and then deal with it. You don’t give up on each other. Never!
Abe: She’s right. I mean I thought Hagar was sweet and all, but her true nature emerged when she found out she was pregnant. She became very insubordinate. I don’t know what other nature she may have had hidden. Point is, she too was imperfect.
Me: Riigght. So you’re saying her being hot had nothing to do with it?
Abe: Heck yeah it did! I think it’s smart; if you know you have a weakness for pretty faces or body, be sure to marry one. That way, if you go through an entire day of temptations, you remember her face and figure, and saying no is a whole lot easier.
Me: Finally, Isaac came. Did his birth change anything?
Sarah: Well I was definitely one happy woman. I just didn’t like the fact that that woman’s son was getting so close to him. I knew it was bad, I didn’t trust her or her son.
Abe: Sarah’s very protective of her own, especially because Isaac took so long in coming.
Sarah: Anyone would be with an only child.
Me: True that. He was 37 when you passed, and Abe, you were what 137? How’d you feel?
Abe: Well (he sobbed a little), I was clearly devastated. She was my Sarah. We’d had our ups and downs and I knew I could have been a better husband and all, but she loved me. She lived her whole life for me. She went through with it when I told her the way to prove she loved me was by saying I was her brother. She was special, and I wanted to show her that in how I buried her.
Me: Yes. It was all so moving how you went to the Hittites and touched your face to the ground asking for land to bury her on and not wanting it for free.
Abe: It came naturally to me. I wanted it to cost me something. It wasn’t proper that I’d lay her to rest on a gift of land, I wanted it to cost me. Until your love costs you something, it hasn’t truly been tested.
Sarah: Awwww, my boo bo, bae bae.
Me: Heyy, how’d you know all those terms?
Sarah: I saw those messages coming through on your whatsapp.
Abe: It’s rude to do that bae bae
Me: Very funny you guys. But tell me, before I wake up, what’s the last words you’d like to say to everyone who’ll be seeing this.
Sarah: Find a man who really fears God. He’ll be a cover over you. Because he’s human he’ll falter, but his fear of God will always return him to his senses. Also, never get a help whose hotter than you.
Me: Good one! Abe?
Abe: Pray to God to help you change the things you can, to be able to live with the things you cant change and to have the wisdom to tell the difference. Also true timeless greatness is unattainable without God’s favor; I defeated four kings (and their armies) with 318 men.
And then I woke up.
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