I was with Sam last week when he got a whatsapp notification. It was from one of those guys you could nickname ‘Breaking News’. The message was a video with a thumbnail icon that screamed ‘I AAAMMM PPOOORRNNN, DOWNLOAD ME 4 QUICK ACTION!” At a time when leaked Made In Ghana goods sex tapes are surfacing and spreading faster than an epidemic, it seemed like another sizzling one.
Minutes later I heard Sam laughing hysterically, so I dashed over to see why. It was the video he’d received, only it wasn’t porn. The image was bait and for a minute this hilarious Kumasi guy kept taunting whoever downloaded the video. In animated Twi, he said things like “Kwassia, you want porn to watch. See the speed with which you pressed ‘download’. You’ve probably gone to hide in some quiet dark corner and even plugged in earphones. Gidigidi, you’ve pressed ‘Play.’ Don’t you feel foolish right now? Naaice guy like you, you wont find a Bible believing church to attend, you are waiting for someone to leak a sex tape to watch. Ooo o, wo na wo she hor no.”
I laughed like I was being tickle-tortured. One because the guy’s twi and the way he spoke made it so hilarious. But I also laughed because I could just imagine how busted all the people who’d download it would feel. Sam immediately forwarded it to like 9 people he knew would fall for it. I’m still smiling just thinking about it.
I Saw the ‘ministerial’ One
As funny as it was, it was still an indication of how depraved we’ve become. I saw the ‘ministerial’ one, and I cringed, because in Ghana we judge! It doesn’t matter that you’ve stolen more than the thief, if he’s been caught then everyone (including you) has the God-given mandate to condemn him. So I cringed thinking of all the people they’ll look familiar to for the wrong reasons, as long as they live. Not just that, I cringed at what this scandal will do to the reputation of their high-standing parents. Should they ever discipline another’s child or campaign for a better Ghana, the retorts will come too quickly and too easily.
But you and I, we’re just too narrow-minded. We think sex tapes are just those ones we take footage of with our phones and laptops. They aren’t. Because with God, the tape is always running, everywhere! In heaven’s archives, I can imagine the first sex tape dating back to Adam ‘knowing’ Eve. But that was okay, they were mandated to procreate roff roff! What mandate do you have to do what you do in secret though?
Someone Has Your Tape
Just because you see no one else in the room whilst you’re at it doesn’t mean you’re alone. Just because a million phones don’t have a scandalous footage of you doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Wanna dare God?
We convince ourselves that we’re so healthy, but ‘healthy’ is not a physical state of being, it’s a description of how you feel about yourself from within. It describes what you see when you look in a mirror and remember what those eyes have seen, where that mouth has kissed, what that heart has lusted after, what those hands have reached for and what that body has opened itself to.
It’s easy to look beautiful and sound witty, but the thickest make-up or slickest suit cant clean up the dirt you’ve piled up. The largest congregation of sick people isn’t in the hospitals; they’re with us at work, at church and on our whatsapp. Most of all, they’re in our mirrors. You know this, and I know as well because we constantly feel the love of God compensating for our inadequacies. When it gets to that part of the recurring cycle where we feel overwhelmed by our filth and God’s overriding love we ask questions like “Who is man that you’re so mindful of him?” “Who am I, that the lord of all the earth will smile on me?”
You know what’s worse than asking to be forgiven for something you’re now ashamed of? Remembering that this’ the 77 * 7th time you’re going back with the same plea. It wilts you from within. You twerk like it’s a seizure and strut like you’ve never crawled, but not-so-deep within, your conscience is nibbling at your peace like dry tea bread.
So I just have one question; if God felt like it, will he have any scandalous tape on you to leak? Any at all? If yes, then are you any better than the people whose shame you champion the spread of? Yes, they may have dented the reputation of high-standing parents, but isn’t God father of all? What if He was watching with his friends whilst you moaned like a Persian cat and thrusted like a fufu-pounding machine?
My one plea is this; let not the absence of a camera rolling make us comfortable to mess up. Let’s constantly be aware of God’s eyes and how incapable we are of dodging it. And let’s stop making sex tapes, because I just got word that our frivolities are causing heaven’s production crew to run out of tape at a tremendous rate.
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