Hands up, anyone who’s wanted to ask Noah what he’ll have done if the flood never came, or Lot’s wife what she saw before turning into a pillar of salt. Okay, then you’ll envy me when you find out I actually got the chance. No jokes, I did. I really really did. But I just met up with three of them; David, Solomon & Joseph. Our chat was ttiigghhtt!
The twist is, when we met up, they all looked twentyish, irrespective of their chronological appearance in the Good Book. David looked kinda smallish. He had a woolen cap over a gentle cut and his loafers, black three-quarter pants and sky-blue lacoste gave him a d-bee look.
Solomon had kept his hair, so it was tied in a pony and he had his beard on. He wore a brown leather jacket over a Woodin short-sleeved shirt and black corduroy pants and leather slippers.
Joseph was the finest of them all. He looked like Taio Cruz in a leather jacket with a white undershirt and stunners coming off some motorbike bi.
I had to meet some friends of mine at the food court in the Accra mall, it was a Saturday afternoon and the place was packed. Their table was the only one with a spare chair, so when I took it, it was out of necessity. Then when I looked at them, they looked familiar. In some weird way, they looked like characters I’d seen in the ‘My Book of Bible Stories’ picture book I had when I was a kid.
When they eventually confirmed my suspicion, I was like “Today be today. I got a dozen quick ones for y’all.” So thus started our chat.
Me: Dave, I gotto tell you mehn, I feel you on the whole you & Goliath thing, but how the heck did you manage it? I mean what if you’d missed or your sling started acting up, how’ll you have gotten out of that?
David: Dunno mehn, it just came like that. Thing is, I’d always known I was special, if you consider the lion and bear and all. But when Samuel came to do his thing at my dad’s house, I just got some maaad vim. Take it from me though; I didn’t fly that sling.
Me: Really? So that story was cooked it up?
David: Naah. I meant I didn’t do it myself, it was God. I know I’d been practicing with the sling and all. But from that distance, that angle, that spot on the dude’s forehead, it couldn’t have been me.
Me: You’re just being modest Dave.
Solomon: I kinda agree with Pa, cos when you look at it, when the dude fell from the impact, he didn’t do so backwards, he fell fooorrrwwaarrddd (demonstrating with his hand and all)
Me: Oohh, I never thought of it like that. You hit him with a stone in the forehead. The impact knocked him out, but instead of falling back like he should have, he fell face-flat. Wow.
Joseph: If you ask me guys, I can bet my last pizza slice it was the finger of G that tipped him forward.
I brooded over it a bit, you know, rubbing my index finger against my top lip like people do in deep thought, then another question came to mind.
Me: But Dave, we all know God got your back. I mean the kinda promises he made to you and all, we’re all jealous. He spoke with you like a girl to her diary and all, so what happened with Bathsheba? I mean, had you not been having your quiet time or something?
Solomon: Yeah pops, I been meaning to ask that myself. Kinda started a multi-generational trend you know.
David just chocked it, looking at us like ‘Small boys are young’
David: Chaa guys, it’s a slow fade o. I mean, back when I did Goliath, played the devil out of Saul and all, I coulda sworn I’d never do som’n like that. I think it was the second look. It’s always the second look that gets your hands tied. If I was a bit like you Joe, in that area, I’ll probably have been clear of all that wahala.
Joseph: Woow, woow, woow, hold up. I had my own issues mehn. I wish I was musical like you too. It would’ve been cool if all I had to do was play the harp for the famine to end, or for my brothers to love me. I think we all have our shortfalls.
David: Yeah, true that. But some weaknesses are more costly than others, I mean there’s no record of any yawa of yours. You had it all straight throughout.
(I just sat enjoying the dialogue)
Joseph: Not true Dave. You don’t think I had a big mouth? Well yeah it finally got me into Egypt and all, but sometimes I wonder if it was smart for me to go round telling every Tom Dick and Harry about the haystacks dream. But mehn, it was the constellation dream that really pissed them off.
David (laughing): True, true, you got quite a mouth.
Me: Paa Solo, why’re you so quiet?
Solomon: Guys, all this talk about women and weaknesses, you know I can’t talk much in that area. I’m the guy who raised my dad’s women-inclinations to new heights.
(He looked in the air as if remembering the good old days) Mehn 700 concubines with no viagra or ecstacy, I live in a glass house, can’t throw no stones.
Me: So how at all did you get so favored in spite of such terrible addictions?
Solomon: Grace mehn, grace did it for me. I mean after I told God to give me a break and I made everyone start worshiping my foreign wife’s god and all, I thought that was it. He still loved me mehn.
David: I know what you mean son, I really do.
Joseph: Well, it’s all good. I mean, you gotto fall to rise, innit? That’s who a saint is; someone who fell and rose again.
Solomon: Well that’s easy for you to say. Live porno, you not pop sef. Heck you never cheated did you?
Me: Yeah Joe, really been meaning to ask you about that. Back in your day, the Egyptian girls were the hhoottteesstt! And Portipha was like a general right? (Joe nodded slowly and repeatedly) Then he must have had one of the finest for himself. So how did you manage to not tap that….ummn, that gorgeousness (silly grin)
Joseph: You know, it’s funny when people think it was easy for me. Like God created me with a switch I could turn off when a hot babe was tryna turn me on. Like the boobs and behinds were easy to ignore. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t at all.
David: I’m sure, cos the last time I checked she came at you like what, half a dozen times?
Joseph: Yeah Dave, and trust me guys, she passed the Face, Breast & Behind (FBB) tests colorfully.
Solomon: So how did you manage it mehn? I could use some pointers.
Joseph: I guess it was cos of what I’d been shown. Those dreams mehn, God’s promises, my conviction of his love and all He had in store for me….i….i just couldn’t mess it up. I mean trade a glorious legendary future for a hot mistress who wouldn’t even have my child?
Me: O yeah, I got this one very important one; Success’ a big deal these days. Guys doing 419 and sakawa. Women doing ashawo and armed robbery. How did you guys manage to get so filthy rich with no back doors?
David: You gotto be ready mehn. When the right time comes, you gotto be ready. Cos with me, I had learnt how to play the harp and fly the sling way before Samuel showed up. When Saul started getting his fits, he sent for me because of my harp-playing skills, not my looks or my anything, but my developed talents. Later when I asked to fight Goliath, I already had some of his trust you know. So you gotto be ready. Obedience to God is a given.
Solomon: True, and you gotto know how to ask for stuff. You must know the person you’re asking something from, know what he’s passionate about and connect your request to his passion, I mean that’s what I did with God. Then you’ve gotto be generous and serious about God’s work. Cos that temple wasn’t easy to build. I gave it my all mehn, and I gave, I was really generous, and I don’t mean that in a naughty way, ask the Queen of Sheeba.
Joseph: Well, I guess, in everything you gotto keep your eye on the bigger picture. I mean there were countless times I came close to giving up. I’m an ex-con for crying out loud. But you gotto keep faith. And you’ve gotto believe in God and love Him. Not just for a breakthrough, because if you start to think he’s delaying you either question his omnipotence or his love for you. And that’ll make your relationship with Him, unsustainable. You’ve gotto decide that your allegiance to and love for him is unconditional.
And like my mehn Dave said, you’ve gotto develop your God-given talent. I started off with interpreting my own dreams when I was a boy, then by the time I was marking jail time, I could interpret others’. I musta done a good job cos years later, the guy remembered me like I asked him to. The Pharoah’s dream was the trickiest, cos he wasn’t telling anyone what he even dreamed, so to figure out the dream was problem enough, then to give it a meaning, mehn talent development is key.
Me: Wow. Ok, back to the issue of women and heart breaks, Dave, I got a question.
David: O not this Bethsheba business again.
Me: o no, it’s different. Actually people don’t often talk about it, it’s not very popular of you.
David: What’s it?
Me: The Merab saga. First Saul was to give you his oldest daughter Merab as he’d promised whoever took out Goliath. He even told you he would, but in the last minute he gave her to some other dude.
David: Yeah, that was some serious heartbreaking I got then. But it was all good, cos if Merab wasn’t given to someone else, I wouldn’t have married Michal, and men, she was the best, nothing better. Besides Merab didn’t really love me, she was just gonna be obeying her dad’s request, but Michal did, she really loved me for who I was. At a point, she actually saved my life when she helped me climb down a window and planted a dummy in the bed so that when Saul’s guys came in, all they saw was a goat-haired dummy. (We all burst out laughing). I doubt Merab would have been that helpful, so you see, good has to go to make room for better.
Solomon: Besides the issue of heartbreaks started way before dad’s time. I mean, look what happened to God-bless-his-soul Jacob. See the trickery, the heartbreak. Just for one woman, look at the years of hard work. These days when they say you should bring schnapps, kente and small cash, you start acting up. Try playing laborer for 14 years! It’s all in the attitude dude.
And that’s when my friends showed up and I had to leave. It was all so surreal, and I knew how konkonsa you are, that’s why I had to share this 🙂
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