How Rape-able Are You?

RAPE1Many of the girls you’re friends with have either been raped before or have had a close encounter with it. Some barbaric, out-of-control dude whose gray matter resides not in his head, but has been liquidized and deposited in his testes has taken liberties with so many of our girlfriends. I think it’s serious. Seriously sad.

The ambitious thing I’m going to try to do -based on stories heard and articles read- is to put myself in a rapists mind and evaluate you. I’m hoping that in knowing how ‘rapeable’ you are and adding to the few suggestions I’ll make you’ll never be a victim of even a near-rape experience.

I have many friends who have been in rape situations, a few narrowly escaped it. You know what’s amazing? the culprits weren’t random strangers o, they were friends. Point number one is; watch out for the strange Psychos, but watch your guy friends even more, especially the ones you’ve turned down before.

By the time a guy’s willing to defy all common sense and steal your flower (as Monica in F.R.I.E.N.D.S will put it), he has mentally undressed you a couple of times, probably fantacized and masturbated with the images of you in his mind. Having sex with his visual images of you has gotten boring. The several semi-nude photos of you he downloaded from face book have also lost their excitement. It’s time to have you. Don’t be too quick to say “Ooo Joe’ll never think of me like that.” Fine, Joe may never resort to rape, but the fact that he secretly checks out your great body means there’s a great chance that dude has taken your top off in his mind.

Maannnyy guys do that, so many it approaches normality. If you’re always covering eevverryyy bit of your body, in his mind, he’ll just put you in a bikini and make you jog down a beach at sunset in slow motion. The problem isn’t with a guy mentally undressing or redressing you, it’s when he becomes obsessed with it. Knowing this is a tool I’ll teach you to use in a bit.

I hear many girls say “O, as for me, most of my guy friends are guys who’ve asked me out before and I told we could only be friends” watch it! Yes, it’s mature and really cute that you can make good friends of aspiring lovers, but NEVER forget that they desired more than friendship some time past. There’s no art for accurately telling when a guy is over you, not even if he’s married to another woman. You go and lie lie him and see if he wouldn’t stand up downstairs at a speed his wife wasn’t able to command even on their wedding night. So point 2 is; Never treat a guy friend (especially if he’s loved you before) like he was gay. He just might prove you wrong. The following real-life incident proves it.

This guy, Jack (lol, no pun intended) asked my friend Aba out. He wasn’t her taste so it wasn’t difficult to turn him down at all. He pestered and pushed, but eventually gave up and became a ”good friend”. He became so good a friend that he even ‘fell in love with Aba’s roommate and asked her to help him woo her, which she did. In a short while, Jack’s new girlfriend was Sarah, Aba’s roomie. She felt really good about being the matchmaker.

In a bit, Jack started calling Aba complain about Sarah, and how she was frustrating their relationship. Aba was glad to be a counselor to two good friends. By this time, Aba and Jack were such good friends that their parents had became friends. On weekends, the route he used to get to get to the park he and his friend played soccer on led past her house. So they met often.

One Wednesday night Jack called Aba to bitterly complain about Sarah. He was basaaa. He spoke in a faint, distraught voice “Chaa Aba, we have to talk o. please come over. Sarah’s worrying me. I need to talk to you.” She explained that it was late, so she’ll come over the following afternoon instead, and so she did.

When she got to his two bedroom flat in Adenta by Thursday afternoon, she was sincerely concerned about the relationship she’d helped build. Jack lamented for about 30 minutes about the troubles Sarah was giving him. Then in a sudden change of tone he said “Aba, you kraa, you’re to blame for all this o. You’re the one I’ve always loved. If you hadn’t bounced me, I won’t have been with Ama and all this won’t be happening.” “O, stop talking like that. We need to concentrate on you and Ama and how to make it work”

Before she could say “Jack!” this 6”1 sex-starved man was reaching for her boobs. Aba is cute and petite; no match for an ejaculated Jack. He rapeswitched from being sad about Sarah, then to being playful about making out, to being sexually aggressive in less than a minute. For the next thirty minutes Aba fought to keep her virginity intact. The jeans she was in also helped. No plea she made say could stop him; not her screams, pleas nor the chilling fear in her voice. Only God knows how many times he’d fantasized about her before then. Just when he’d nearly ripped her pants off, she calmed down and did the smartest thing.

“Okay, okay, okay. I’ll do it.” “Huh?” he asked breathless “I said I’ll sleep with you. I will. But I’m thirsty. This struggle has drained me. Let me get some water from the fridge, so we get this done and over with.” Because he knew he’d locked the door and there was no way of escape, he agreed and got off her.

Sweaty and shaky, she went to the fridge that stood in the corner and looked for the biggest bottle. Then with all the rage and venom she could muster, she smashed the bottle against the wall and announced “I swear that before you get into my pants I’d have stabbed you at least three times with this broken bottle. I’ll kill you if I must!”

She wasn’t bluffing. She told me she would have. Luckily for him, he believed her. By the time he was unlatching the lock, sanity had started pouring on him like rain. “I’m so so sorry” he chorused. Nothing was ever the same again. When she left, he was tortured by what her next line of action would be. He didn’t know if she’d tell her parents. Would there be a court case? Would the church hear about it? What about his future? Would Aba talk to someone? To make matters worse, she wasn’t picking his calls. Shame marked him permanently. To date, I’m the second person Aba has told.

I dont know if you picked any cues, because there actually are quite a number. In the next post (later this week) I’ll narrate the second less-fortunate scenario and bullet all the cues from both stories. My earnest prayer is that when it’s done, you’ll know all the precautions to take so you’re never in this position.

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21 Comments

  1. Oseyda said:

    Interesting piece Ben.
    I will say that its true we always educate the girls on how to dress modestly etc… However, will we blame a baby’s dress when they are also raped?
    Some men just need deliverance and others castrated….Thats it!!!!

    January 16, 2014
    Reply
    • Juliette said:

      CASTRATED!

      January 21, 2014
      Reply
  2. Nathalie said:

    Ben i would be so grateful if u tell us ladies, how to detect a male friend who has sexual intentions for us. I know its hard to detect, but pls put smth down for us.

    January 16, 2014
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      As for this one dier, you’ve asked a hard thing, but we’ll see. In a nut shell though, i think it’s better safe than sorry. I have a friend who inspite of how friendly she is, has clear lines which dispel any kind of flirty talk or intentions. She’s sweet, but you cant crack sexual jokes with her, tickle her jokingly or do any ‘seemingly harmless’ thing which subtly breed such thoughts in guys. Mastering the fine line between being friendly and being no-nonsense takes care of the amateur pervs, but to detect a hardcore one you need God, and you just need to avoid being alone at weird places. If a flirty joke is cracked, dont take it lightly, bash it there and then. You’ll be fine dear, in Jesus name!

      January 16, 2014
      Reply
  3. Nathalie said:

    I kinda agree with Ling…., but i liked it though. Cld u please repost the first article u wrote on how to stop a rapist right in his tracks. It was humorous, but educative.

    January 16, 2014
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    • BenJ said:

      I forget o Nathalie, but i’ll look through the archive and find it for you 🙂

      January 16, 2014
      Reply
  4. Phinehas Arthur said:

    Another Beautiful and educative piece. May the Lord continue to bless the writings of your hand.

    January 15, 2014
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    • BenJ said:

      AMEN Arthur, amen!

      January 16, 2014
      Reply
  5. Micky said:

    I see your point also Linguere, and I agree with you. Society does lean back and admonishes the victim for not taking steps to prevent rape, or inviting it unto themselves. Society even goes as far as reprimanding and further emasculating a male for even considering reporting he’s been raped! “You’re even lucky a girl has given it up to you, how dare you call it rape?!” “Men are doing unspeakable, unmanly things to get some, you’ve got some girl to offer it for free ah, you say rape?!” “What kind of man allows himself to be raped?!!!” As you said, it extends to family members who molest kids in the homes where they couldn’t feel any safer! It is joked that the 5 year old boy who was sexually abused by his aunt has had an early initiation into manhood. Then that same boy is chastised and criminalised when he continues the trend and abuses other children throughout his life.
    My point here though is this: rape is multi-faceted societal canker. You could probable fill up a small library with text addressing the issue and you still wouldn’t have covered all the bases. I don’t think BenJ intended this article to be the holy grail of solutions to the rape matter. I see it as addressing a small section of it. I think that awareness, be it to the potential victims or the perpetrators, plays a vital role in avoiding/preventing rape. I concede the unfairness in talking to the potential victims alone being the primary course of action that society takes. I also agree that teaching our sons and daughters not to rape should be part of the first lines of action, but this option better serves future societies which we are shaping now in the way our children are raised. For the society that we live in, the generations that exist now, it is probably easier, and I dare say more effective, to raise awareness in the potential victims. For perpetrators, I subscribe to the most severe of punishments. No woman -no matter how provocatively dressed, helpless, unable to speak up, timid, incapable of defending themselves, begging for it- deserves to be raped!

    January 15, 2014
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    • Micky said:

      Excuse the length as well. There’s a lot of passion for this topic 🙂

      January 15, 2014
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      • BenJ said:

        I just quoted you on facebook Micky. Powerful stuff there!

        January 15, 2014
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    • Kwadwo Bonsu Boateng said:

      Hi Micky, its easier said than done. Lets deal with the foundations. Your last comment of “no matter how provocatively dressed, helpless, unable to speak up, timid, incapable of defending themselves, begging for it- deserves to be raped!”. If you learn communication and i believe fashion will let you know your dressing communicates something, that doesn’t justify women being raped but my point is lets teach both sides. Let not the equation be tilted towards one side. Lets all stay in the middle of the road. My goal is to eliminate it both on the rapists side and the victims side

      Cheers

      January 15, 2014
      Reply
      • BenJ said:

        Very healthy discourse. I’m being educated honestly. I tend to lean more towards Kwadwo’s take. I think even though absolute indecency on a victim’s part doesnt excuse a rapist’s impropriety, there really isn’t the need for the indecency in the first place. Moderation in all things. One thing is clear though. We all condemn rape, we only differ a little in approach, but that’s healthy. In the end, the most holistic approach will remain.

        January 15, 2014
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      • Micky said:

        Hello Kwadwo, you must admit it is a bit unfair to focus on that one line of my little novel when everything else before it talks about the unfairness of society’s one-sided critique of rape. That being said, the fashion topic is a very touchy one. Yes there’s is the argument of the message you send with the way you dress, but that is countered with “no manner of dressing says ‘come forcibly have sex with me!'” and “women in the Middle East who generally cover all but their eyes are raped as well”. Fashion does not play a role in the cases of infants being sexually abused either. We’re not tilting the equation towards any side with respect to causes, and there are oh so many arguments in the regard! This article only talks about how to eliminate one avenue, one less thing to worry about. Let us definitely aim at eliminating both sides of the issue, rapists and victims. But raising awareness in order to avoid/prevent altogether is a much easier option that dealing with the trauma that is caused after.

        January 15, 2014
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        • Kwadwo Bonsu Boateng said:

          Sorry Micky if i seemed unfair.Its just that your last piece seemed to me like a conclusion of all the points you had raised. Anyways what I did was to put Ben’s piece in the big picture and for years all I have realised is the fight to arrest and castrate these rapists. Never or not so I don’t exaggerate, hardly would you come across the points Ben has raised. Thats where the worry is. When something is done over and over again and yields very little or no results as we want, then the modus operandi needs to be looked at.

          Secondly, some of these rapists focus on these kids because they are vulnerable and an easy option out. Like Ben’s piece above, if the guy is not given the needed help, he may probably head that direction. So you see theres much more to this.

          Anyways, lets wait for the 2nd,3rd and….. pieces. Maybe our questions will be answered then. Over to you Ben, we can’t wait!!!

          January 15, 2014
          Reply
          • Micky said:

            Point made and taken! 🙂 Linguere might strongly disagree with you about that Kwadwo. I gather from her(I assume it’s a she) statements that enough has not been done to punish and therefore deter rapists and would-be rapists respectively!

            January 15, 2014
            Reply
    • Linguere said:

      I say ditto to most of the points you raised. I also concede that one cannot cover all facets of an issue like rape in one sitting, but we can always try to strike a balance especially given the sensitive nature of these topics.

      I also do not agree that teaching our sons and daughters not to rape is an option that will serve future societies better. We cannot depend on our children in the future generations to make right the societal ills we now condone. If we, as adults in the present generation, are not enlightened and aware of these problems, if we continue to accept that we cannot make much difference by addressing rapists, if we stick to the culture of advising and admonishing victims and survivors on means of protection, what message are we passing on to the younger ones?

      It might not be an easy task (speaking from experience) as humans tend to hold strong to their beliefs and it takes a lot to change their way of seeing things, but it is not impossible. Conversations like the ones we’re having, thanks to Ben’s post, are already a great start. It shows we do not really have to expect the change to come from the future generation. It starts from and with us.

      January 16, 2014
      Reply
  6. Linguere said:

    Ah Ben, I’ll have to admit I didn’t find much gold in these words. When I saw the title on twitter, I sincerely hoped it wouldn’t be yet another article telling women how to protect themselves from rape. It has been an ongoing conversation and is most often associated with perpetuating rape culture,where the victim/survivor is generally blamed for what happened. The missing bit, albeit probably being the most important, in these conversations is the part where we teach our sons and daughters not to rape. The advice has always been ‘do not get raped’ as opposed to ‘do not rape’. Some argue that it is easier to teach females(the main victims) to protect themselves but for me, it is yet another excuse for rapists to carry on with their heinous acts. Society just leans back and tells us things like ‘men will always be men’, ‘men are animals and women, pieces of meat do they’ll always bounce’, ‘the victim was asking for it’,’you should have seen the signs’. You rightly mentioned that most cases are perpetuated, not by complete strangers, but by friends. It extends to family members who molest kids in the homes where they couldn’t feel any safer. These are relationships where trust abounds and one doesn’t look for these ‘signs’. It is the responsibility of these males and females to respect other people’s bodies and privacy and understand that rape is a crime. It is our collective responsibility as a society, too, to send the right messages and engage our children and various communities in healthy discourses around rape, stop sweeping cases underthe carpet and stop perpetuating rape culture via the messages we send.

    Excuse the length. I speak from a passionate place.

    January 14, 2014
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I see your point Linguere, and a very strong point it is. On the contrary, the length wasnt an issue at all. Each word was vital in making a solid case. I admit that the more direct approach will be to write a post directed at culprits, but those tendencies transcend reason. I stand to be corrected, but I feel it’s nearly futile to try to reason a rapist to normalcy. The (potential) victim on the other hand is very open to ideas and suggestions, hence this direction. I am completely open though to a piece in the reverse direction.

      January 14, 2014
      Reply
      • Linguere said:

        I’m not sure I’d say writing a post aimed at culprits would be a more direct approach, because then, we just might lean towards another bias. I believe in striking a balance in all things and my point was mainly to address the fact that most posts on rape are directed at the victims and survivors than at the perpetrators. When you say ‘it’s nearly futile to try to reason a rapist to normalcy’, I feel you are highlighting the very challenges we face in trying to do away with rape and other forms of sexual violence. It is yet another excuse that tells us ‘oh we can’t stop the rapists. It’s a waste of time. There’ll be no results’.

        That has been our attitude for too long and is the reason why there’s very little change in the situation because we have become complacent. We eventually ended up with resignation and perhaps tolerance of the status quo and decide to focus on the victims instead, because somehow, they can see reason.

        I understand your point about being realistic and agree that we all should do all we can to keep ourselves from harm’s way- rape or not- but it’s up to us to change the reality we now face. This change begins from the messages we send both in writing and through our actions. Your website has a great following and could be a gateway to the change of mentality that we seek. The difference can start from one person reading your posts, learning from them, resolving to change the way they view these issues and becoming more inclusive in their approach. We just need to find that balance ourselves and change will happen, one person at a time.

        January 16, 2014
        Reply
    • Kwadwo Bonsu Boateng said:

      Hi Lin, I understand where you stand. I believe is the same thing Ben is saying. We must teach people to take responsibility for themselves and that includes the vicim/survivor. Infact even young chaps know rape is a crime but in a generation where we refuse to admit certain things like Ben has identified in his piece, i believe we must revisit those fundamentals. Life is a lot more than just meets the eye.

      January 15, 2014
      Reply

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