Mrs. 50/50

Been a while people. (Understatement of the Year, I know) I’ve had a number of projects on my plate and work and just about every stress out there so far with work and I’ve only been busy with extra-short pieces (translated: Facebook and WhatsApp statuses, lol) I can fire out in minutes, if not seconds. But today, I am back and will be in as regular a circulation as I can manage to be in around here once more! 😀

Hiatuses are meant to be broken – and what better way than with a short piece from yours truly? 😉 Have a read, let it percolate for a bit, then hit me up with your ideas on this. Let’s dialogue. #TeleTuesdays

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So…I was just replying to a status somewhere else on Facebook when this brainwave hit me. If you’re still reading this, hold onto something because I’m about to upset a number of people – may that not include you, I pray!

 

My dear sister, if you’re looking forward to getting married and your mentality has it as a search for someone who will treat you equally so you may enter into a 50/50 partnership and call it a marriage, please STAHP IT right now!

 

Are you really sure you want to be equal with your husband?! You work too so you want to pay 50% of the house upkeep so he pays 50% right? Cool. You then share the cooking roster because you’re no man’s chef, right? Okay. You split the house-cleaning evenly too because your parents didn’t raise you to be a house girl eh? Fine case.

 

Well, here’s a little bit of insight into the thinking of a man: men just want essentially One main thing (no, it’s not sex, you pervert you 😀 ), and it’s Peace of Mind. Whether his tummy is satisfied, wallet is bulging, fuel tank is full or testes are empty, all these will end up giving him that Peace. Doing anything else not aimed at achieving this Peace will give him stress and he will start to act up. Every man. Now, I know I will get into trouble for stating this so openly but it is the utmost Truth that any honest man will corroborate. *deep breath*

 

Having a Woman in your life is Stress to All men.

Created by Asier_relampagoestudio – Freepik.com

I say this because whether we love you or hate you, it is guaranteed to destabilise our equilibrium and carefully-curated way of life before you entered the picture. Either we’re bending over to please you or finding ever more creative ways to keep avoiding you. The twist, however, is that when a man loves a woman he does not care the number of loops he has to go through because he knows that as long as she’s happy, HE is happy. This effect does wane over time though and may either die out or become even stronger than it was initially as their relationship develops. This is because the initial ‘high‘ at entering a relationship dies down over time as familiarity sets in and only a deep friendship based on mutual love, respect, and value can revive and sustain it once more. (But that’s another story for another day 😉 )

 

That being said, because of these dynamics in relationships, entering with misconceptions on the roles of wives and husbands only puts unnecessary stress on the new marriage relationship. Similar to a seedling placed under a stone, it won’t grow to anywhere before it dies out. It’s going to be difficult enough already – being married – but having a husband who feels like his wife is trying to wrest control from his hands every day won’t make it any easier for either of them I assure you.

 

Created by Freepik

From the man’s angle, he’s constantly trying to balance his sheets to show ‘Peace of Mind‘ in the sum total of what he has to do – listen to your complaints about your friend, fill up your car’s fuel tank, pick up the dry cleaning, get home by 6pm, wear pyjamas to bed every night, use body lotion every day, win that business tender, and even last longer than 2 minutes! He means to succeed in all this because he has decided to make a home with you according to his plan. And all that somehow has to end up giving him some Peace of Mind.

 

Now, when you insist on living the ’50/50 life’ only when it pleases you (yes, you’re Mrs. 50/50 now, – formerly Ms. Independent – but you want him to take your car to the mechanic for you though you don’t want to wash his things for him, “After all, he too knows where the washing machine is!”), he begins to find it difficult to balance his mental ‘books’. His #1 aim in life starts to slip out of his grip and he begins to panic. Sooner or later, he will identify the Source of the problem: you. And naturally, will start acting up. It is at this point that if God – armed with Common Sense and Wisdom – does not step into your case, it becomes a vicious cycle where he resents you because you have robbed him of the beautiful picture he hoped for in getting married from day one, and then you, in turn, resent him because he’s acting up, making him do it all the more, and vice versa until…*catastrophe* !

 

I don’t really understand why people want to set correct thinking in the right order of things on its head at this point in our shared development as human beings, though. I, however, receive solace in the words of the Good Book:

 

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the saviour of the body. 24 But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her… 28 In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:22-25, & 28

 

I love these verses so much because they leave no room for error in defining the roles of a husband and wife. Wife –> Submit. Husband –> Love. I also do so because they paint a beautiful picture of the harmony that comes about in God’s Plan, simply put:

If a wife submits to her husband and her husband loves her, is there any way at all that their individual needs and wishes will go unmet?

 

I believe that there can only be one leader in a marriage, and that is the husband. I also believe we are not the same (and here some may misinterpret this to imply that one is ‘better‘ or more valuable than the other – which is never true FYI). Entering marriage with aims to be the other 50% in every aspect as an expression of ‘equality’ defeats the purpose of marriage as the Creator of everything (including marriage itself) intended. The wave of Women’s Empowerment sweeping across the globe is real and I honestly applaud it in principle. Some women have been given the short end of the stick for way too long just because of their gender and that nonsense has got to stop. Unfortunately, some people have gone too far with respect to this move, seeking to equate a woman to a man in virtually every walk of life (please refer to my disclaimer up there on reading what I didn’t write) and this threatens to spill over into the Institution of Marriage.

 

Marriage is not for children, selfish people, people unwilling to change, or people expecting to be served hand and foot – man or woman.

It’s unfortunate that some of the best phrases that can be used in explaining this matter have been abused for the wrong reasons. Like. “Know your place“.

Husband, your place is at the head, the ‘band‘ keeping the house together, loving your wife and caring for her, making allowances where you should and guiding the course of your family with love. Wife, your place is in submission to your husband, providing the support he needs – even/especially when he doesn’t realise he needs it – living a life that reveals Proverbs 31 to him every day with strength and skill.

But I agree with you – we are humans. We will all overstep, under-deliver, over-complain and underwhelm from time to time. But if he loves her as she submits to him, a path will always open up through the chaos of any disaster so you may both pass safely through.

Don’t get me wrong, however: be a strong woman every day. Set goals and do everything within your power to achieve them. Continue breaking the glass ceiling for women everywhere. shine bright like a diamond 😉 The real man out there – the true one meant for you I’ve written about before who is also described as ‘Gentleman 2.0’ – is in no way threatened by your success or money. You can out-earn him, feel free to know more powerful people than him, or even have more friends than he does, and he won’t bat an eyelash. He isn’t out to oppress or suppress you in any way, my dear – feel free to be you.

Remember though, that the same way not all men can be husbands, not all women have the ability to be wives – the Terms & Conditions are vastly different!

 

Now to the potential Mrs. 50/50s out there who disregard my words today in hopes of sneering in smug triumph at me as you drive past on the way to the church to get married, don’t worry. I will be right there joining in the shouting and be waving, Aware sɔ oo! Dondooo!* but I’ll be adding also, “sɛ moregyae a, ɛyaa bɛkra me nsoso oo”!**

“Dondooo!” 😉

 

…Tele 😉

 

*Have a prosperous marriage

**…but when you’re divorcing, let me know too

 

PS: Don’t keep! Share…& then subscribe, okay :-)?

 

27 Comments

  1. Nina said:

    Teleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
    As always , I do get excited to see your name at the end of any post I read on this platform.
    I’m really not sure what the motivation in writing this piece was but as always I can trust that it’s from a great source and you most likely prepared yourself for the responses.
    Here’s my take on this though, that we read the entire chapter in light of the understanding given by the Holy Spirit and decide to submit to Him in obedience whenever anything comes up that would require anyone to live by His word.
    Another thing is that I’m female so I do get the female angle , for a long time we have been receiving the short end of the stick and so in keeping with nature when you are cornered and you get the opportunity you tend to have all claws coming out.
    However, I believe God is calling His people to show His glory and truth to the world in all aspects of this earthly life. If we choose to walk his way, then it’s no longer about the do’s and dont’s , but rather about seeking to give God glory with regards to every aspect of our lives, yes even our marital life. Jesus himself typifies with his life and his redemption of us as we look forward to the marriage of the lamb with His Bride, what a marital relationship should look like.
    A three fold cord cannot easily be broken, I feel that if those have chosen to walk the path of Jesus and walk with Him as well, will constantly look to Him, we’d have greater joys from our experiences. It’s not about the world’s view or take on marriage, it’s not about your past experiences, it’s not even about what someone is going though in their relationship( every relationship being unique in its own right) but it’s about what glorifying God in all however He calls us to do it.
    And let’s remember , Choosing to obey and honor His word has never gone unrewarded.
    Thank you Tele, as always you don’t disappoint.

    September 19, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Ninaaaaa! Oh how I’ve missed yew tew! 😀
      I get where you’re coming from in your viewpoint on this whole matter. In essence, I do agree with you I guess – and that’s what I sought to do with this piece. If, and only IF – we decide to go back to the Originator of Marriage and follow His principles for it, all these expressions of Self in a marriage relationship will not be evident…chief of which is this actually new concept of 50/50… 😉

      September 20, 2017
      Reply
  2. Manuel said:

    Interesting piece and even better commentary and reactions.
    I think our ladies are missing the point on what you mean by submission. A ship does not have two captains. To submit is not slavery and neither is it servitude but even if that be the case, scripture actually relates service to greatness (Matt. 20:26). Submission just means you TRUST your husband enough to allow him take the helm of your marriage. I doubt if the author means to undermine your role or significance in this piece, from my understanding, he is helping you find the fault in your ‘ship’ so you know exactly where to look and fix (for those of us having challenges in our ‘ships’ or planning on boarding one). Truth be told, most men have no clue on how to successfully lead and navigate their own lives not to speak of marriage on the sea of life. The question is, didn’t you see that flaw in him before you agreed to marry him? What did you lookout for during your courtship that affirmed your decision to say YES I WILL??
    Honestly i do not believe in marriages where a woman contributes to because it is what leads to the 50/50 PARTNERSHIP/SHAREHOLDING in the first place. Its a breach of the terms in the contract called marriage. Christ paid a great price for the church in FULL not in part. My Dear Ladies “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding”. Gentlemen, “love your wives just as Christ loved the church and GAVE HIMSELF for her…”

    September 16, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Thank you very much for elucidating even further, Manuel.
      I couldn’t have further emphasized things any better 😀

      September 20, 2017
      Reply
  3. Diana said:

    Men and women have evolved considerably in the 21st century. Formerly women did the house work and men brought the money home so it was a simple case of the wife washes the clothes, does the dishes and other domestic chores while the husband works to bring income. Now, most men will not marry a woman who is not gainfully employed yet these same men expect to do no domestic chores. I agree that marriage based on 50/50 partnership idea will fail but so will a marriage based on principles of the past. The love of God encourages us to be considerate of each other, even more so in marriage. A man who has it in mind to leave all domestic chores to his working wife ( I use domestic chores as just an example), is one who can be considered unloving. I’m not trying to redefine marriage roles, but to simply say that in love, if you’re both gainfully employed, then it is not reasonable to leave other house duties for only the woman in the name of wifely duties.

    September 14, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Interesting take, Diana😃
      I agree – the dynamics of the husband/wife relationship have changed with time. Women bring money and assets to the table also nowadays, but the principle of a man as the head – even if he brings only 5% of sustenance to the table monthly – still stands because that is the ‘formula’ for marriage (as set up by the Creator of all – and marriage in particular). The ‘leadership’ in a marriage isn’t dependent on financial capital or inherent assets of either husband or wife.
      Of course, all these potential points for friction within a married couple can be avoided or at least tactfully handled to cause the least strife if He Loves and She Submits. And the cool twist that makes you go “Herhhhh! God bi Bossu!🙌🏽” is the realisation that you cannot truly Love without Submitting, or vice versa!
      This couple I’m describing doesn’t consider there to be a strict line between roles, but is concerned with the progress of their united front. After all, the 2 become 1 body, or? 😊
      The problems usually come in when one doesn’t Love or the other doesn’t Submit as they should…for that, we always pray for Grace.

      September 14, 2017
      Reply
      • Cee said:

        I totally agree with Diana. What gain is there in a Marriage then for the woman? When she has to do all the chores, plus, work, and some cases, add the responsibilities of the husband like paying school fees, etc? I think if we want things to work in the order God ordained, then we should have men go out and bring in all the money, so women can stay home and do all the domestic work. That’s what will bring peace. But we can’t go back to that age, can we? So long as the woman has to go out and bring in some money too (sometimes higher) and comes home at 8pm to a husband (who got home at 6pm) waiting for the wifey to come and serve dinner, there’ll always be strife. That is not to say women should not play their roles because they are breadwinners too. But some African men need to be reasonable, to know that women get tired too. Many men do not know that a happy woman will give them all the PEACE they need. So I’d like to know when we’ll see a write up or a video on marriage focused on the role the husbands. Wives abr3!😅

        September 14, 2017
        Reply
        • Tele said:

          Oh Cee! 😀
          Gains in marriage go both ways – seeking for validation as a 50% managing partner in a marriage as one of the expected benefits for a woman in particular, however, is one bad recipe for disaster.
          Assuming that for things to work according to God’s principles implies men having to bring in money and women having to take care of the home is an unfortunate trivialization of His role in a marriage. Each marriage is unique and has its own needs – that is where the God Factor comes to light the most, I believe.
          Doing the 50/50 bit is not the answer to the strife that occurs between the contemporary couple.

          Then again though, I did focus on the role of husbands in marriage up there Cee, didn’t I? 😉

          September 20, 2017
          Reply
          • Cee said:

            Oh Tele!😀,
            All I’m saying is this; women have bent over, and so should our men. Like you said, sometimes its a 40/60 at times 80/20, but when its a constant 90/10, then with time, one party will start screaming 50/50! It is not the woman’s role to work, neither is it the man’s role to do the chores. But we have to scratch each other’s backs, dont we? So why then is it ok of the man to rigidly remain in his position, and yet its ok for the woman to bend, and bend, and bend?😁 i am tired of hearing preachers go on and on about how wives should submit but fail to do justice to the other side of the coin. Loving your wife also means being CONSIDERATE. Considerate enough to be your wife’s helper also!(or that’s a no go area?🤔). I am not for 50/50, but our dear men should bend to be helpers too! It’s not a demand, its a plea.😊 That is not a prerequisite for our submission though. Of course we would submit, because God has commanded us to, but let’s also highlight the other command a bit more.😊…Maybe in another post from you😘 hehehe

            September 20, 2017
            Reply
  4. Leslie said:

    Tele!!!

    September 14, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Leslie!!!

      September 14, 2017
      Reply
  5. Elorm said:

    Tele!

    September 13, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Yels?!! 😉

      September 13, 2017
      Reply
  6. adwoa said:

    I don’t know why, but I feel I should clarify something. When you think about how marriage pans out for women in our parts, a lot of the time, the woman ends up becoming a glorified servant in the name of “submission”. We didn’t get married for me to take over your care when all you do in return is give me sex, and some money here and there. We both deliver companionship and care, but often the exchange is very asymmetric. When a woman wants to equalize it, it shouldn’t be taken as you trying to add to the man’s woes. Rather, the man should also see from her perspective, and the two agree on an arrangement that is equitable, not necessarily equal. Ask a lot of women who are married how it feels, honestly, and you will hear a lot of bitterness because we create the ideal woman as her husband’s servant, and then quote the Bible saying ‘submit’. The same quote says husbands should love their wives, and part of this is consideration. Don’t foist all the house upkeep on her when you live in there just as much as she does. I think that’s the point. I’m not in favor of a rigid agreement. No. But what I am against is arguing that a husband’s peace of mind comes at the cost of his wife’s happiness. That isn’t right at all.

    September 13, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Interesting viewpoint Adwoa 🤔
      Striving for symmetry in a marriage is like deciding to make soup with different ingredients, but then choosing to take 80g of everything 😳 Somedays and sometimes, one will need to do more than the other…ideally, I can only speak from a man’s viewpoint in this case. And let me tell you that even in cases where a woman is ‘elevated’ from blatant exploitation to ’50/50′, the end result will still not be favourable to the couple. You do realise that your initial submission presupposes that all wives are receiving the short end of the stick, right? That, is an unfair generalisation. You’re right though, the problem the woman (African especially) faces is that while we insist on Prov 31 and Eph 5:22-24 for women, lesser emphasis is placed on the subsequent Ephesians 5:25 etc which speak of the husband’s duties to his wife. That, is part of the unfortunate ‘nonsense’ which I advocate be stopped.
      The pursuit of ‘happiness’, I must say though, is Not the aim of any individual serious about marriage. Were it so, a lot of wrong decisions would be taken and chaos would ensue. For quite an amount of the time, incidentally, interests of the individuals who make up the couple rarely converge and a decision must be taken to either meet each other halfway or bow to the wishes of one over the other.
      I, however, feel I must clarify this before I am further misquoted: a husband’s peace of mind does not necessarily have to be in antagonism with his wife’s happiness. A wife who insists on equality in everything though does her marriage no favours. That, is the essence of my post. Hit me up further if you need more clarification.

      September 13, 2017
      Reply
      • Adwoa said:

        I think maybe I miscommunicated. I believe in an equitable partnership, not an equal one. You have a point with what you are saying, I agree, but I think starting the conversation of 50/50 or whatever can help the couple find their equilibrium. A lot of people are unhappy in marriages, both wives and husbands, because they are not feeling at peace without an equilibrium. These things only happen when uncomfortable conversations like the 50/50 one are started.

        September 15, 2017
        Reply
        • Tele said:

          Well then, even if the conversation starts at 50/50, you do realise that it cannot end there, right? 😉

          September 20, 2017
          Reply
  7. Kennedy said:

    You’ve said it all bruh! Thanks!

    September 12, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      You’re welcome, Kennedy!

      September 13, 2017
      Reply
  8. GeneralExcellenceKay said:

    Tele is back!!! Missed you bro..
    soo true…!! Thanks for this timely message…
    asem na woaka no saa no? Herh.. that disturbance in the equilibrium.. hmm… thank you. Then when he starts acting up, then the nagging begins..and then scripture is fulfilled…it would have been better for him to hide in the corner of his roof… If you try to kick against God’s order… you only give way for the devil to Queen a pawn… and smile…instead of telling you checkmate..he says ‘Check out mate’

    September 12, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Thanks General, feels good to be back. Glad you got the message just right

      September 20, 2017
      Reply
  9. Okoh Annor said:

    Nice piece as usual 👌👌

    September 12, 2017
    Reply
  10. Pappi said:

    Hassannnnnn!!!!!!! I have missssssssssssssed you!!!!

    September 12, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      You this girl!!! 😀

      September 12, 2017
      Reply
      • Pappi said:

        😘😍💃🏾

        September 12, 2017
        Reply
  11. Modupe said:

    Truth. My dear brother, I hope you are appropriately dressed for the reprisal attack. Lol.Then again there are some ‘men’ out there seeking women who will be their Mrs 50/50. Do you know some men insist the woman contributes 50% towards their engagement /wedding and then the marriage there after?

    September 12, 2017
    Reply
    • Tele said:

      Lol! But I haven’t said anything untrue Modupe dearest now, have I? I’m a stickler for the true traditions of Marriage and the roles therein. As a result, I have adequately shin-guarded my body 😀
      And as for those men who want their wives to do 50/50 all the way, I think they’ve lost it. The very moment you consider marriage to be about keeping score to get equal footing – especially as a man – is the moment you lose the whole point of it as a man. I don’t know it all, but I think I know a bit well enough to know that this particular Partnership WILL FAIL if it’s supposed to be 50/50 all day. Somedays it’s 40/60, others it’s 51/49 – or even 99/1! Marriage is Serious business, but if it’s too rigid in its implementation, it will break…

      September 12, 2017
      Reply

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