Been a while people. (Understatement of the Year, I know) I’ve had a number of projects on my plate and work and just about every stress out there so far with work and I’ve only been busy with extra-short pieces (translated: Facebook and WhatsApp statuses, lol) I can fire out in minutes, if not seconds. But today, I am back and will be in as regular a circulation as I can manage to be in around here once more! 😀
Hiatuses are meant to be broken – and what better way than with a short piece from yours truly? 😉 Have a read, let it percolate for a bit, then hit me up with your ideas on this. Let’s dialogue. #TeleTuesdays
So…I was just replying to a status somewhere else on Facebook when this brainwave hit me. If you’re still reading this, hold onto something because I’m about to upset a number of people – may that not include you, I pray!
My dear sister, if you’re looking forward to getting married and your mentality has it as a search for someone who will treat you equally so you may enter into a 50/50 partnership and call it a marriage, please STAHP IT right now!
Are you really sure you want to be equal with your husband?! You work too so you want to pay 50% of the house upkeep so he pays 50% right? Cool. You then share the cooking roster because you’re no man’s chef, right? Okay. You split the house-cleaning evenly too because your parents didn’t raise you to be a house girl eh? Fine case.
Well, here’s a little bit of insight into the thinking of a man: men just want essentially One main thing (no, it’s not sex, you pervert you 😀 ), and it’s Peace of Mind. Whether his tummy is satisfied, wallet is bulging, fuel tank is full or testes are empty, all these will end up giving him that Peace. Doing anything else not aimed at achieving this Peace will give him stress and he will start to act up. Every man. Now, I know I will get into trouble for stating this so openly but it is the utmost Truth that any honest man will corroborate. *deep breath*
“Having a Woman in your life is Stress to All men.“
I say this because whether we love you or hate you, it is guaranteed to destabilise our equilibrium and carefully-curated way of life before you entered the picture. Either we’re bending over to please you or finding ever more creative ways to keep avoiding you. The twist, however, is that when a man loves a woman he does not care the number of loops he has to go through because he knows that as long as she’s happy, HE is happy. This effect does wane over time though and may either die out or become even stronger than it was initially as their relationship develops. This is because the initial ‘high‘ at entering a relationship dies down over time as familiarity sets in and only a deep friendship based on mutual love, respect, and value can revive and sustain it once more. (But that’s another story for another day 😉 )
That being said, because of these dynamics in relationships, entering with misconceptions on the roles of wives and husbands only puts unnecessary stress on the new marriage relationship. Similar to a seedling placed under a stone, it won’t grow to anywhere before it dies out. It’s going to be difficult enough already – being married – but having a husband who feels like his wife is trying to wrest control from his hands every day won’t make it any easier for either of them I assure you.
From the man’s angle, he’s constantly trying to balance his sheets to show ‘Peace of Mind‘ in the sum total of what he has to do – listen to your complaints about your friend, fill up your car’s fuel tank, pick up the dry cleaning, get home by 6pm, wear pyjamas to bed every night, use body lotion every day, win that business tender, and even last longer than 2 minutes! He means to succeed in all this because he has decided to make a home with you according to his plan. And all that somehow has to end up giving him some Peace of Mind.
Now, when you insist on living the ’50/50 life’ only when it pleases you (yes, you’re Mrs. 50/50 now, – formerly Ms. Independent – but you want him to take your car to the mechanic for you though you don’t want to wash his things for him, “After all, he too knows where the washing machine is!”), he begins to find it difficult to balance his mental ‘books’. His #1 aim in life starts to slip out of his grip and he begins to panic. Sooner or later, he will identify the Source of the problem: you. And naturally, will start acting up. It is at this point that if God – armed with Common Sense and Wisdom – does not step into your case, it becomes a vicious cycle where he resents you because you have robbed him of the beautiful picture he hoped for in getting married from day one, and then you, in turn, resent him because he’s acting up, making him do it all the more, and vice versa until…*catastrophe* !
I don’t really understand why people want to set correct thinking in the right order of things on its head at this point in our shared development as human beings, though. I, however, receive solace in the words of the Good Book:
“22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church – he himself being the saviour of the body. 24 But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her… 28 In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:22-25, & 28
I love these verses so much because they leave no room for error in defining the roles of a husband and wife. Wife –> Submit. Husband –> Love. I also do so because they paint a beautiful picture of the harmony that comes about in God’s Plan, simply put:
If a wife submits to her husband and her husband loves her, is there any way at all that their individual needs and wishes will go unmet?
I believe that there can only be one leader in a marriage, and that is the husband. I also believe we are not the same (and here some may misinterpret this to imply that one is ‘better‘ or more valuable than the other – which is never true FYI). Entering marriage with aims to be the other 50% in every aspect as an expression of ‘equality’ defeats the purpose of marriage as the Creator of everything (including marriage itself) intended. The wave of Women’s Empowerment sweeping across the globe is real and I honestly applaud it in principle. Some women have been given the short end of the stick for way too long just because of their gender and that nonsense has got to stop. Unfortunately, some people have gone too far with respect to this move, seeking to equate a woman to a man in virtually every walk of life (please refer to my disclaimer up there on reading what I didn’t write) and this threatens to spill over into the Institution of Marriage.
Marriage is not for children, selfish people, people unwilling to change, or people expecting to be served hand and foot – man or woman.
It’s unfortunate that some of the best phrases that can be used in explaining this matter have been abused for the wrong reasons. Like. “Know your place“.
Husband, your place is at the head, the ‘band‘ keeping the house together, loving your wife and caring for her, making allowances where you should and guiding the course of your family with love. Wife, your place is in submission to your husband, providing the support he needs – even/especially when he doesn’t realise he needs it – living a life that reveals Proverbs 31 to him every day with strength and skill.
But I agree with you – we are humans. We will all overstep, under-deliver, over-complain and underwhelm from time to time. But if he loves her as she submits to him, a path will always open up through the chaos of any disaster so you may both pass safely through.
Don’t get me wrong, however: be a strong woman every day. Set goals and do everything within your power to achieve them. Continue breaking the glass ceiling for women everywhere. shine bright like a diamond 😉 The real man out there – the true one meant for you I’ve written about before who is also described as ‘Gentleman 2.0’ – is in no way threatened by your success or money. You can out-earn him, feel free to know more powerful people than him, or even have more friends than he does, and he won’t bat an eyelash. He isn’t out to oppress or suppress you in any way, my dear – feel free to be you.
Remember though, that the same way not all men can be husbands, not all women have the ability to be wives – the Terms & Conditions are vastly different!
Now to the potential Mrs. 50/50s out there who disregard my words today in hopes of sneering in smug triumph at me as you drive past on the way to the church to get married, don’t worry. I will be right there joining in the shouting and be waving, “Aware sɔ oo! Dondooo!“* but I’ll be adding also, “…sɛ moregyae a, ɛyaa bɛkra me nsoso oo”!**
*Have a prosperous marriage
**…but when you’re divorcing, let me know too
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