How many women do you know with numerous pinterest boards or folders of pictures on their phone of the decor they want at their wedding? They know what shoes they’ll be wearing, and which ones their husband-to-be will be wearing to match that. They have options A, B, C anddd D for venues, because being prepared is always necessary. Or men who want to ride in a fancy car and have all twenty-seven of their guys be groomsmen in their matching suits.
The wedding party’s entrance is fleeky. Everybody has their own song. There’s even a choreography for entertainment in the middle of the night. And of course, no party is complete without the best DJ in town, and food that everyone is talking about months later. So every time someone says the word jollof now, we must all remember that amaaaazing jollof that you had at your wedding.
Everything is in place for the wedding to be lit, as they say. Assumedly, so is their marriage.
Can they be blamed? There are a lot of people getting married these days (which, yay, congratulations) however, it almost seems like there’s an over infatuation with making sure someone gets married just so there can be a wedding.
There is no formula on how long you need to know someone before you get engaged or married, but some people are getting married to people they barely even know. Not in time, but in depth. It may be hard, because there seems to be an influx, especially with Christians, of it’s-time-to-get-married nudges and pushes.
As a person of a certain age, a lot of questions and comments begin to sound a lot like this:
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Ohhhhh that Aunty Adoley’s son, he’s such a nice boy”
“Ei, Uncle Ato’s daughter is beautiful papa and she knows how to make banku”
And the people who leave all tact in their homes hit you with the:
“when will you marraaaaay? Weeeel it beeee this year or next year? Will you be single foreeeevaa. Jezoz when will you marraaay?”
Older women and men pray for you and their prayers are for a husband or a wife. And these are great sowing prayers. But there are also prayers or people who are overly focused on someone just getting married. Those people whose EVERY prayer for you is to be married, as if being married is the one thing to accomplish in life.
It’s an amazing thing to be married, I’m sure. Are you ready for this work, though?
In this flurry of being excited and praying about getting married (weddings), as opposed to praying for marriages (the life after the wedding), why aren’t more people speaking on the work that marriages require? There’s nothing wrong with excitement and thinking about being married or even your wedding, but let’s be completely real for a second.
If you’re called to marriage, that’s great. There’s no rush. If you want it shishiishi, are you truly ready for a lifetime of compromise and sacrifice and learning? Sure, you want #relationshipgoals, but how about your #singlegoals? Are you even mature enough, grown enough, spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, to be attached to and supporting someone else?
Are you #relationshipgoals’ing with Jesus? When was the last time you planned a date with him? Eheh? I’ll wait. Not the kind where you just take pictures for instagram to show you’re doing devotion. The genuine committing your time and energy to him. It doesn’t sound quite as glamorous, but holds a much larger reward.
Some of us haven’t even began to reach the peak of what we should be doing as single people, so we can’t possibly be ready for marriage. It would be akin to wishing and praying you can swim, when you have never even gotten into a body of water before. Or wishing you could sprint, when you don’t even know what crawling is.
Are you ready for the nuances of marriage? For the i-dont-like-you-right-now-but-i-love-you moments?The arguments that make you want to leave, despite being reminded of the vows you made? The inability to be completely independent, because you’re now bound to somebody else and must keep their feelings, emotions and opinions in consideration at all times? AT ALL TIMES? I cannot walk away because we’re married? I can’t just go to my own house and decompress after that heated argument? Come on, now.
There’s levels to this. It’s not as happy go lucky as it may seem all the time. #datenight giving people pressure. But they argued right before taking the picture, and shortly after it, and date night was canceled because they couldn’t even decide on where to go.
Don’t be pressured into this marriage thing. If it’s done right, I’m sure it’s great, and if not, it’s quite a terrible reality to be trapped in. Some of these people praying for you to get married are not even giving their 100% in their own marriages. #prayaboutthat.
Take your time. Cherish this moment. Grow yourself like a little tree. The marriage isn’t running away anywhere. And if you’re spending the rest of your life with someone, what’s a few more moments of growth while it comes? There’s really no timeline. Marriage is amazing. A blessing. And hardwork.
But we have to really decide if we’re truly looking for a partnership, an opportunity to scale the next mountain with a spouse, or if you’re just succumbing to this idea of a lovely wedding without truly understanding the gravitas of what’s about to happen. It’s completely okay to embrace and learn from your singleness. Be happy right where you are, there’s nothing wrong with it.
Singleness is not a disease, and marriage is not its cure.
Any married folks out there? Please share any myths or thoughts on marriage you had before you took the plunge.
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