Hiiiiii! Have you missed me? Because I have missed you, terribly. I’m sorry about my absence. Life happened and I was trying to figure out how to do life, instead of make life do me, so to speak. But enough with the excuses, please don’t leave me and I promise I won’t leave you again.
Speaking of life, let’s talk about mine for a bit…
As you may or may not know, I had a really hard time finding a job after I was done with school. Partially because I’m not much of a “Settler” but also because jobs just aren’t out there for the picking. Not the way most people (read: millennials like myself) would expect.
While going through the search, I had, as I usually did, written down a lengthy list of all the things I wanted in and from my job. I would be sure to remind God of it every so often, so if something came around that was missing what I considered to be an uncompromisable element, then I would kindly nudge him and let him know. I have also always been a person who has had numerous things happening at the same time; it’s all I’ve known. I quite enjoy having to juggle different elements of my life and making them fit, and for the most part I do this quite well.
On the not-easily-identifiable part of my being, aka in my head, I’m constantly analyzing everything. I like to understand how and why things work. Being this sort of person, having numerous things happening in my life has also been a good way to distract myself from overanalyzing and overthinking things that are happening to myself of other people around me.
Not having this happen when I was job searching drove me a little insane. But when I got a job, so many other things also came along with it. It was as if I was being prepped for the influx of projects and things that would come with my job. On top of having to just “adult”, I had to work, fit in my external projects, other groups I had became a part of, juggle family, friends, fit in time to refresh and revitalise, and then shove some God in there…somehow.
And that is usually the way I went about it. I would shove some God in there…somehow. And if I didn’t get to shoving, I figured it was okay and I could shove it some other day or time. Because I had prioritized everything before God, instead of the other way around.
I knew it didn’t work perfectly, but it kiiiiind of worked, so I stuck with it. However, the more I did this, the less and less time I found I had for everything else, because instead of being able to seamlessly run from one thing to the other, I always felt like I was clawing or trying to keep my head barely above water.
It wasn’t until seeing an illustration did I realise I wasn’t actually living as optimally as I could. I was running around with a cluttered mind. It had not even occurred to me I was doing this. To me, I had found my footing, I was doing what I was supposed to. Living the good life. My life was back to what I had always known it as. Busy. I have to find time in my calendar. Plan everything, very little space for spontaneity.
And yet, I was planning for everything but God. I had been given a lot of the things I had spent months praying for, and I could not rely on simply having free time to dedicate to God any longer. That was okay. However, I was not planning time specifically for him either. As life goes, things begin to go awry. Everything doesn’t quite fit the way you would expect.
It wasn’t until I was watching this illustration in church of the different ways we listen, and realised it also quickly applied to the way we live. Someone with a closed mind, passive mind, cluttered mind, devoted mind. And the disposition of the person meant to illustrate the cluttered mind resonated a little too well. It thought I was going with the flow and it was just okay to do that with my life, when it really wasn’t.
I had to be fine, because I went to church every Sunday (99% of the Sundays to be completely honest), and I’m engaged and I listen and take notes. I even take time afterwards to say hello to a few people and what not. But after that, come Monday I’m back to focusing on my agenda and all the things I have to do. Once I had successfully done that, I would factor in time for myself and relaxing because I am the only one who knows how to work and do life. Clearly.
Living with a cluttered mind, meant I was not actually producing fruit. I was producing, but not quite to the best of my abilities. I had gotten my formula all wrong, which is funny because I knew what the right formula was. Overly focused on everything else but God, because “God will always be there” was not the way I should have been going about it. I had things in my life that I was giving false value to, when the things of true value I was neglecting. Don’t get me wrong, work is work and it should be done well, as should anything else you commit to in life. But it’s also really important to prioritize the important things. God, family, yourself, work, everything else.
I’m still learning that slowly, learning to have a fruitful life and not just a life of multiplication is the optimum. Which I also used to think meant the same thing. But we’ll talk a little more about that next time. Being able to go to church, hear the word, and implement it throughout the week and the rest of my life is what I needed. Not going every Sunday just to hear a different sermon, and carry my notes, only never to look at them again.
So now, here I am, re-evaluating, removing unessentials, and putting appropriate priorities in place. Let’s hope it lasts.
For all my workaholics (and those of you who may have failed at time management like myself at some point) I like to remind myself of this saying : “Nobody on their deathbed says, “I wish I had worked a little more”
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