So I’ve been married, what? like two months and I’ve cracked it! I figured out best practices on how to cheat on your Mrs. It’s not rocket science really, and if this doesn’t work, I’m offering a money-back guarantee! See, these days, a wedding ring turns more women on than ripped abs and fake slangs. Just flash that ring and they be like “Oooohh mmyyy, that Mrs. sure is lucky! My goodness. Have you been treating her right? do you make her happy? are you sure? (giggles) really? You wanna show me?”
Last week, my married cousin passed by my office with Naa, our mutual friend. Sam’s a nice guy. Nice, respectable guy. leads Bible study in church but is not an uptight Christian. He has the blackest lips! When we were talking, I couldn’t help but notice the purple smudge on his lip. Naa had gone to use the washroom so it was just us talking. The more we spoke, the harder it became to ignore the smudge on his lip. Naa’s lipstick was purple. Very quickly, my mind connected the dots! So I asked “Wait a minute, Sam, there is lipstick on your lips. How did lipstick get on your lips!?”
His heart missed a beat, but it didn’t show in his calm countenance. He just wiped hard and said dismissively “Oh it’s nothing, just a French way of saying hi.”
I laughed till I choked. “Eeeeeyiii! Gyimitoooottto! French ebaaadzi?! French way of saying ‘hi’. Then how’ll they say ‘How are you?’ Nonsense, but how can you try to BS me? you know i’m too smart for that!”
His face was all kinds of silly.
“My guy, that’s Naa’s lipstick. what if instead of passing here you’d passed by wifee’s office first? we both know she only does lip gloss. What will you have said? It’s not like it was a stain on your shirt po, the fricking girls lipstick is stuck on your lips!”
He kept wiping his lips till black turned pink. “Isssokay my broda, it’s all gone, or you want to clean the memory too?”
That’s just one scenario. I know soo many guys, including people I respect a lot, just swinging it with the side chics, and now me too, I have figured out how to do it well well. It’s simple. Slack in your relationship with God. Just go easy, ignore Him small, get too busy to give him attention for a few weeks. Reduce the amount of time you spend talking to him. In a matter of weeks, you’ll see how incredibly easy it will be to smack some lady friend’s ass, get a french kiss from another and score one with that tight girl who can clearly see you have a ring on.
You know why you’ll do it? Because it will feel fun! FUN! You know why? because the litmus test of what’s fun and what’s wrong has moved from your bedside to the trashcan, and God is just the guy you go to to help you with the guilt when the ‘fun’ is gone.
Guys who say “I’ll never cheat on my wife, I’m not like that. I don’t have it in me.” They make me laugh. Or ladies who say “My guy loves me, he’ll never hurt me. He wont betray me.” You don’t know what you’re talking about! Fidelity is not the result of morality or self control. Character, will power, a clean track record and moral uprightness will melt in the face of the perfect cleavage. The only hope is the Holy Spirit.
I tell the Mrs. “See I love you o, but if I remain faithful, it’s not so much out of my love for you as it is out of my reverence for God. I have a reason bigger than you to keep my zip locked and the most effective thing you can do to ensure I never cheat is to pray for my relationship with God to always stay sharp.”
We are all capable of the unthinkable. It is the Spirit that keeps us sane and in check. God’s spirit is soooo precious! When you are sensitive to Him, really really genuinely sensitive to Him, you cant even enjoy an ungodly erection. When you’ve tasted the sweetness of God’s peace and basked in the awesomeness of his relationship, the dread of missing out on that surmounts the dread of hurting your wife or the urge to engage side chics.
So don’t take your man’s promise to never cheat for it. Don’t relax because ‘it’s not in his nature’. Don’t think that your doggy skills have put a leash on him. Pray and shine your eyes. And if you’re reading this and there’s some wicked side chic on your case, my broda, it will cost you more than it will please you.
Let it go.
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