I don’t even know you yet, but you should know that I pray for you. I am slowly learning that doing so will always be a part of my life. I pray for your journey with me for nine months and how much bonding we’re going to be doing. But mostly, I pray because I am no longer naïve to the difficulties that pregnancy may come with. Therefore, before you are even conceived, I am praying that your nine-month journey is as smooth as possible.
This will be new for both you and I, and there are so many mistakes I’m going to make. You’re going to have to forgive me. It’s not really like you have a choice, you’re stuck with me. Speaking of being stuck, please know and understand that there will be times when I cannot stand your fearfully and wonderfully made self, but that does not mean I love you any less.
I love you already.
You’re going to have amazing years of people picking you up and biting your cheeks…Alright, that will just be me. However, once you get past that stage I want you to know this:
A part of me wants to say I’m sorry. You will have to be the example for the rest of your siblings. You’re going to have to form your new child experiences on your own. You will have cousins, undoubtedly, but you will also understand that it’s not the same as your brothers and sisters. Any vices you decide to pick up, you will learn the consequences of on your own. Puberty is going to hit you first with no other siblings to talk to. This all sounds negligible, but I know it isn’t. I know because when all of this was happening to me, you see, I could count on someone else it had already happened to.
I know that at some point, you will bear the responsibility of that. For the times in your early adult life when you’re unable to figure out where to go, you will dislike the fact that somebody couldn’t have gone before you.
While a part of me wants to say sorry for all these things, the stronger part of me wants to say there’s nothing to be sorry about. See, you’re special, sweetheart. You’re the first. While it sucks that you may not have another sibling who screws up so you know not to do that stupid thing, you’ll be just fine.
You were chosen. Not by me, but by God. He chose you. He knew what you coming first involved, and yet He chose you anyway. If He chose you, then you’re the only one who can do this. You need to be first, so your siblings can learn. You need to go through the difficulties, because you’re the only one who can do so in the way that you will. I can’t be sorry for what will be a perfect choice.
That perfect choice won’t be any less painful for you or me to endure. I will hurt at your choices sometimes. I will ache. I will cry. But I will pray. Pray some more. I will get angry. You alone can endure the things you have to. It’s why you’re coming first.
You’re a sort of responsible only you can be. Even in your irresponsibility you will teach your brothers and sisters. Do you see why you’re so special? You’re the leader of the pack. You will go through tough times trying to be the most responsible, and be the sibling-support-leader. Nobody else can. You will bear the brunt of feeling unachieved sometimes because your siblings might do things you had hoped to do by a certain age. You might feel a little less loved, when you’re suddenly not the centre of attention anymore. That’s okay.
You’re the first; life isn’t going to peachy to you. You should know, that with your growth, you have already been equipped to handle everything life could possibly throw at you. It may not always feel like it, but you are born a soldier. Not just any soldier, you are the general. As huge a burden as that may be, don’t forget it. Your other siblings will rely on you, even if they won’t ever admit it. They will look up to you, even if they never say so.
You will be my first tangible example of God’s love. I will spoil you, because you will be my first. I will be harsher on you, because you will be my first. I will expect more from you, because you will be my first. Do you see how paradoxical this can be? I am looking forward to learning about my strengths because of you, as well as my weaknesses. You will be my teacher as much as I will be yours.
With all of this in mind, know that you have a special place in my heart. I will not love your siblings any less, but I will love them differently. You will be my first. My precious little one, so there will be an added protectiveness. I will love you specially.
You have a huge task ahead of you, but you should know, dear one, that mummy already believes in you. Our story is just unfolding.
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