The Non-Negotiable

DO you have one of those “dating lists”? One of the ones that talks explicitly about the type of relationship you want and what you’re looking for in your significant other? Tall, fit, 7 feet 20 inches? Oh yeah? Even if you don’t have it on paper, or on your phone or wherever, I’m sure in your head there are some things you’re thinking the person should have.

I sat with a friend and had a talk about this. Three of her close friends recently got married and they’re all about the same age, so she’s beginning to pressurise herself and is frantically looking for someone. Dating apps, going out, telling everybody to hook her up. She doesn’t need all that pressure, marriage isn’t a race, but that’s beside the point.

During our conversation she mentioned someone she liked and met and how they were talking and everything seemed well and dandy but he didn’t like a specific food, so she wasn’t sure. AH! That would be like saying you cannot date someone because they don’t like fufu. Eh mome, if they don’t like banku they shouldn’t even be in your life, but I digress.

She mentioned she had a list, she conveniently pulled out on her phone. It was a novel, an actual novel. It was so long, I didn’t want to read or hear everything, so I asked her what the non-negotiables on that list was. Come and see bewilderment. She perused her handy dandy list and with almost every characteristic retorted, “no this is important, I can’t let that go. No, no this is key”

We finally narrowed it down. It highlighted such an important point. Regardless of whether you have a physical list or a mental one of preferences, if you cannot think of a top 3 or five things on that list that you absolutely cannot do without, then your list is too comprehensive. Who came up with 3 or 5? I can’t tell you that, but it’s a good number. The idea is to have something quick and easy that you can share with someone. If someone was your friend and said “chale I met some finneee girl or guy, what are you not looking for” and you’re now about to have an hour-long conversation. Honey, you’re doing too much.

It takes a while to truly understand what your non-negotiables are. I can’t be the only one who at some point in my life was thinking , “oh no, I can’t date a man who is shorter than me” or “he has to have a full head of hair” Now I’m over here advocating for the short men and the ones sporting their sakoras with pride. Holding on to those thing is how you end up at 52 without a man or woman.

Point is, when it comes down to it, the important things, the ones that help you build a lasting relationship, those should not be negotiable. I wouldn’t even dream of dating somebody who is not Christian. Because when we have children and I have to war and fight for them, I don’t want to be doing it on my own. We are going to be binding and rebuking the enemy together. Those abilities are not contained or even correlated to his height, the colour of his eyes or the size of his arms.

I’m not saying looks are negligible, you see a person’s physicality before you know their personality, so there are things you are more or less attracted to, but if they are not non-negotiables, be willing to broaden your horizons.

If it seems a little too hard, ask the G for help. I had to do that with my mental list, a sincere “God, these all seem quite non-negotiable to me, but I’m going to need help really seeing what truly matters” Then be prepared to have many a “x” on the checklist of things.

When you get to that top 3,5,7 (stop, you’re pushing it, 3 or 5), come back and share it with me.

 

 

PS: Don’t keep! Share…& then subscribe, okay :-)? 

34 Comments

  1. Akua said:

    guess am the only weird person without a list. Anyday everyday i will want to know you or get to relate with you. If am treated well you pass for Mr Right. it all goes down to relating well with me. Sentimental me

    August 20, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Fair enough, I think i used to say that till i was asked what my preferences were and realised i would stand for some things and not for others. It’s kind of the same.

      Thanks for sharing, Akua.

      September 28, 2016
      Reply
  2. jay said:

    I am blessed to have a life-partner who finds humor in even the hardest times.It is not always rosy, we have had some really down times and what kept us light – great company, exciting conversations laced with humor. Trust me when that contract does not get approved and you have prayed about it, fashionable shoes will not help the tension at home. think about it.

    August 17, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      That’s amazing, Jay. Good to know there’s some confirmation of this truth.

      September 28, 2016
      Reply
  3. Nana Yaa said:

    Oye’s list! Oye’s list!! Oye’s list is everything!… Well, plus he must be proud of his culture and heritage (ain’t nobody got time for a guy pretending he’s forgotten his mother tongue and lafa-ing all over the place like there’s a permanent layer of okro on his tongue lol). And he must know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’… ‘advice’ and ‘advise’… Good grammar is seriously non-negotiable man.

    August 14, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Haha! I love how different things hold different value to people. I would never have thought about lafa, but hey!

      Haha! Good grammar is an absolute must!

      September 28, 2016
      Reply
  4. Oye said:

    Good post, E.
    The list: After hearing some of the seemingly flimsy reasons people divorce, I will give anyone whatever is on their list. So long as they understand they may be looking for a while, or forever. And they should also understand that being alone for a very long time or forever isn’t necessarily a worst case scenario to be avoided at all costs. For some people, staying single till 42 may be a better option than panicking and ‘settling’ at 35 for something that will make you miserable for the next 20 or so years. Know all potential outcomes, and do what you will with the knowledge.

    My non-negotiables:
    1) Equally yoked***
    2)Ambitious (I think this covers motivated, hardworking, etc.)
    3)Respectable and Respectful (two sides of respect coin )
    4)Patient and thoughtful (because you can’t live with another human being w/o these)
    5)Takes pride in his appearance and is attractive and attracted to me.
    ***I have realized that you can be unequally yoked even with a tongue-speaking, demon-casting believer. If his idea of church commitment ends at going early to Sunday service to pray into the service, and attending the service, and yours is more of a 5 nights a week visitation and follow-up ministry, it can quickly cause issues. They will initially not say anything because how can you be jealous of God? But then…

    August 4, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Thanks for reading and sharing, Oye.

      I asbolutely believe you can be unequally yoked with someone you think you are riiiight there with. Absolutely, there needs to be mutual understanding there.

      August 5, 2016
      Reply
    • MayD said:

      this equal/unequal yoking…
      can be something else…

      August 5, 2016
      Reply
  5. MayD said:

    Tele, nope. Me don’t want no six packs.
    A fine trim body is cool, not pot-belly things; but no muscles and all…

    Hehehe…

    PS. Any guy here who fits the description should raise his hands…*wink

    August 4, 2016
    Reply
  6. Tele said:

    Ei, so nobody dropping their ‘List’ here wants a guy with ‘six-pack’?? Lol
    *running off to sell my gym shoes*

    Interesting read tho, E.

    August 4, 2016
    Reply
    • Dee said:

      It’s a bonus! 🙂 if we get, notin spoil
      hahhah

      August 4, 2016
      Reply
      • Ewuraesi said:

        Tell him, Dee!

        August 5, 2016
        Reply
  7. MayD said:

    hehehe…yh, maybe not drop-dead-handsome, but fresh aa, you know…
    and ‘decent’ as Dee said…dude should have good manners and speak good English (bad English sooo puts me off) 🙂

    August 4, 2016
    Reply
    • Dee said:

      Cosign the bad English bit😩

      August 4, 2016
      Reply
      • MayD said:

        hehehe…
        fresh boy with bad grammar is soo not attractive…

        August 5, 2016
        Reply
  8. Rubie said:

    Hahhahahha Goodness this is literally me. I laughed as i read this . I have such a loooooong list. But my age allows such bubbles and fantasies. Anyway,you are right about the non negotiables that is very true in mind that no one is perfect including myself. but I think I have the top 5

    August 4, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Haha! Well, to be fair, age has nothing to do with it (even though i mentioned it first. But it was to make a point:) You can be 60 and still find someone.

      Point is to have a short, but strong list. If you have a top 5, you’re good!

      Thanks for reading and commenting Rubie.

      August 6, 2016
      Reply
  9. Dee said:

    *goes to check my Deal Breakers List *

    August 3, 2016
    Reply
    • Elorm said:

      checking mine as well.

      August 3, 2016
      Reply
      • Ewuraesi said:

        Check and come and tell me , eh?

        August 3, 2016
        Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Oooh! Do share your top few! I would love to know.

      August 3, 2016
      Reply
      • Dee said:

        Haha okay . So they were actually written in a book . I took them one at a time and elaborated. But later on I simplified them and saved them on my phone with the title : Deal Breakers before the Ring.
        Not in any particular order, but I hope for someone who is:
        Equally yoked
        Physically attractive
        Willing to grow
        Decent
        Respectful
        Disciplined
        Motivated
        Hardworking
        Generous

        -A Silent Reader for dayssssss

        August 3, 2016
        Reply
        • Ewuraesi said:

          Oh! Dee. Hello! I appreciate the commenting then!

          May “motivated” and “hardworking” be the same? – something along the lines of ambitious. which typically has a negative connotation, but there’s nothing wrong with ambition.

          Expound on the “willing to grow” for me.

          I’m lorving this, people!

          August 3, 2016
          Reply
          • Dee said:

            Ermm actually motivated, hardworking and willing to grow can be categorised as one. Okay so willing to grow; for a life partner, I do not desire someone who is lazy or complacent . He shouldn’t rest on his oars just because he’s made it “big” in whatever area he finds himself in. Although not a workaholic, he should be someone who loves challenges and aims to be a better version of himself than he was yesterday – spiritually, financially, in fact all areas!
            And definetely someone like this will surely have the dough😂😉

            August 3, 2016
            Reply
            • Ewuraesi said:

              So that makes it:

              Equally yoked
              Willing to grow
              Decent (wait, what is decent, explain this too)
              Respectful
              Disciplined
              Generous

              A nice solid 6, maybe 5…

              NICE! It’s a good elevator pitch. Now, please do come back and let me know once you’ve found him!

              August 3, 2016
              Reply
              • Dee said:

                Haha eii Ewuraesi you like filla too much 😛. Decent: he should have good taste in fashion, speak and act appropriately and have good morals . Yeah that’s it!
                Hahaha I pray I will meet him in due time and I will certainly remember to come and tell you😊

                Counting down to the goldinwords meet up! It will be so nice to meet the whole crew ☺

                August 3, 2016
  10. MayD said:

    1. He must be a Christian
    2. Smart, or level-headed at least
    3. Caring and thoughtful
    4. Friend material (to be able to talk to, share with, hang out with…)
    5. Good looking (average height, fine kakra…)

    Well… i think that’s about it. Guess it’s not too much to ask for?

    August 3, 2016
    Reply
    • Dee said:

      Not at all. Fine kakra…very necessary

      August 3, 2016
      Reply
      • Elorm said:

        veerrry necessary *wink*

        August 3, 2016
        Reply
    • akyaa said:

      Great piece….truth right there!!!

      August 3, 2016
      Reply
      • Ewuraesi said:

        Thank you, Akyaa.

        August 3, 2016
        Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      haha! the kakra is what is grooving me.
      Very necessaire!

      Thanks for sharing MayD

      August 3, 2016
      Reply

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