Your boy could be with you either because you’re generous with your body, he’s too lazy to start a new relationship after half a decade of being with you, he was there when your single father died tragically, so leaving you’ll be heartless. Or because he loves you dearly and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. It is possible to work your way up to the latter.
For starters, build memories. Build beautiful memories that’ll permanently etch you in his mind, even if he wills it not to. Do silly outlandish things once in a while. In F.R.I.E.N.D.S, Monica shows up in Chandler’s apartment wearing a thanksgiving turkey on her head and dancing to an Indian song. Find out what makes him laugh and do something to induce it. If you can, do several things to induce it, because there are times when a laughter-inducing memory becomes a rare gem. With me, I love accents, so when we do role plays and I’m the Ashanti bogger introducing you as my Chinese wife to my conservative family, and you do that funny forced-Chinese accent, you could crack me up big time. It shouldn’t be as often as the day comes though, that ruins it.
Few guys wear their hearts on their sleeves, but some things really touch us. Right now, I’ll tell you one thing that’ll touch even a brick-hearted guy to the core. If he calls you in the middle of the night (preferably) or sometime during the day and asks you the infamous ‘What’re-you-doing’ question and you answer “Praying hun,I was praying for you”. Myyy goosshhh!!! That’s a slam dunk! Praying for me? Of all the things you could be doing, you’re praying for my future and well-being? How unselfish and wifely of you, do I even deserve you??!
Turn up the heat, learn what I love and try to like it. I’m not saying learn all the words in the Spanish dictionary just because the language is my favorite. But surprise me with a ‘commes esta’ once a while. I’d like to see you try. So football sucks, you couldn’t love it if your pay check depended on it, but get me a Man-U jersey before the finals. Ask me about that infamous Ryan Giggs story and fall asleep in the middle of my long boring answer. I’d think the effort cute. I guess this works both ways or?
Testing the person you’re with happens all the time on both sides of the fence. So just as you’ll tell him you’re stranded in Circle at 9:00pm to see if he’ll drive all the way from Adenta for you, he too could ‘do you some’. It’s possible that he’d like to know how you’ll react if you saw another woman’s handkerchief in his hall. It’ll tell him how you’ll react if after you’re married you notice something suspicious that could in fact, be nothing. Yes, a slimy guy could actually cheat and call the proof a test of how much you trust him, but how you investigate your suspicions is crucial.
There are three ways of asking a question; negative mode, positive mode and neutral mode.
Example: He gets home late two nights in a row, one week after his ex gets back to town.
Positive: Your job’s been stretching you out lately, making you get home late and all, do you think it’ll continue?
Neutral: Is there any reason why you get home late these days?
Negative: why are you getting home so late? What have you been up to?
Suicidal: You’ve started sleeping with your ex eh? Bastard! (lol, won’t even expatiate on this one)
Now you know and I know that my ex got back last week. But when you go negative mode, it seems like you’ve got your mind made up, even if you’re wrong, I won’t bother dissuading your worries. Heck, if I look like such a murderer, I might as well pop someone and do jail time for it. You sound like every time teacher calls, you expect a complaint, maybe I should not disappoint you.
Neutral mode is great. It suggests no prejudice, and leaves room for him to go east or west. If he’s clean and you ask him this way, he respects the fact that you’re assuming he’s innocent until proven guilty. It’s such a mature way to go about a suspicion.
A positive approach suggests that you’re assuming the most harmless things. It conveys the hidden message that you hope, for the love of God, that I’m not fooling about. It’s like me coming home late to see you wiping the gun, and you say –whilst you place it back on the shelf- that you think your dog has been chewing the neighbor’s fowls at night and you’re considering shooting it in the jaws. Then you laugh and tell me you’re kidding. If I was cheating, I’d pee lightly in my pants and laugh weakly, wondering whether you were speaking analogically or literally.
The flip-side is, if your man is a liar, and he’s at fault, he’ll go with the ‘Demanding job’ story. But you know him right? you can tell if it’s a lie. If he gets paranoid and makes it seem as if you asked him the question in negative mode, going all like “You think I’m dumb? You think I dunno what you’re driving at?”be worried! He’s trying to mask the guilt with a fight and he bloody well is going to create one if you aren’t.
Also importantly, don’t project a lifetime into every single thing I do. Just because I don’t like washing the dishes doesn’t mean I’ll definitely be the kind of father who doesn’t see the big deal with the kids piling up their laundry. Just because I answer ‘Hi dear’ to most of the calls I receive doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with the nanny some day. Just because I forgot to call you on our sixth month anniversary doesn’t mean your birthdays and wedding anniversaries will perpetually be insignificant days on my calendar. Usually, there’s nothing more to it than what it is. Yes, you have a problem with something, but don’t look into the crystal ball and see the exponential version of it in the future.
Besides, when you do that I start feeling pressure mount up on me. As if you’ve decided that by hook or crook I’m going to have to marry you, when to me, we’re at the stage where we’re seeing how compatible we are in the long term. I don’t (and you also don’t) want me to go down on a knee because it’s naturally the next step to take, or because you’ll be so disappointed if I don’t. It must be because I couldn’t have it any other way. But when you start avidly marking a marriage life on a relationship, you freak me out.
Finally, identify what your indicators of a healthy relationship are. They might be completely different from mine. You may think that if we talk for hours eight times a day, then we’re the healthiest couple there is. If I don’t call at 6:37pm on a certain day, you feel something’s wrong. I might not see the big deal with the number of calls, it’s the quality that does it for me. Also look at our ages, we’re at that stage when we’re making economic meanings of our lives and getting our careers established. Which will you prefer; a bum of a husband for your Tigo no. 1, or an industrious man who comes home to you with a gift in hand and rich words in mouth?
Also, you might think that the more thoroughly you know everything about my past, present and future, the better chance we stand. Sweetheart, so not true. There are some things I might not want to talk about now, maybe later in the future. I hope you can respect that. You’ve got to trust that I got your back and I’m serious about us, and I’ve got to earn that trust. But when I do earn it, trust that just because I’d rather not talk about something means I’m hiding the ultimate sin.
Cut me some slack, give me some rope. It’s easy to love and remain faithful when I see you every day and we talk thrice before and after. But when you aren’t always squeezing out info about where I am at every given time, and you don’t ask for detailed explanations to everything I do or second-guess every female friend I have (who’s not friends with you), I learn to love you without your eyes on me. I find out for myself that I do what I do, not because I dread you worrying and crying and asking me if you did something wrong, but because I love you. And that’s a beautiful gift to me. Yes there might be risks involved, but who says I can’t mess around with your laser eyes on me 24/7? You may always get through on my MTN, but you don’t even know I have a Tigo line.
Don’t put an emotional gun to my head sweedy, you’ll be making me see you, miss you, say I love you, for the wrong reasons… and those reasons have expiry dates on them.
PS: Too many people need this for you to keep to yourself. Share!