The Submission Issue

I like to think of myself as a strong, independent, woman. A woman who knows what she’s about and knows when she doesn’t know what she’s about. Being that kind of woman, the notion of submitting to a man is a little uncomfortable.

I remember coming across this in many spiritual texts and talks and thinking, I’m sorry, that goes against the independent, strong woman that I am trying to be. I can’t be having my M.O interrupted because some man needs a feeble, quiet woman. Yet, there it was, everywhere, with no seeming loophole.

We can be thankful that time and experience are great teachers and we aren’t slaves to our juvenile thoughts because I have grown ooo!

Of course, the rest of you can read as well (it would be great if you did) but this is really for all the women who can relate to that description of myself. The Strong-willed, opinionated, head strong (we don’t like the word stubborn), independent, whatever-other-powerful-words-you-can -think-of women.

Alright. Are you ready for it? Here:

 

There is nothing wrong with submitting to a man.

Shock horror! What am I saying? I know, I know. Bear with me.

Initially, this entire thing was unattractive to me because I couldn’t reconcile the idea that I could still be strong, and yet submit. For some reason, in my head the two ideas just did not work well together. I was either going to be strong, or I was going to be submissive, there wasn’t both. But there is!

In a world where there are a lot of men who take advantage of women in various ways, some of us have grown up to be strong and think that being strong all the time is the only way to go. But we forget that there are good men out there, and there are men to whom we already submit. This realization has really been the crux of the knowledge that now makes me very comfortable submitting.

The only way I really know to explain it is like this: If I was out with a certain male friend of mine, let’s call him Kofi, and Kofi said something to me in what I believed to be a disrespectful way, I would immediately tell him what I thought about that. I would also be sure to point out he cannot talk to me like that etc.

Alternatively, if I am out anywhere with, say, my brother, and my brother hands me some car keys and says, not asks, that I drive, I almost instinctively just grab the keys. There are no questions asked, or any apprehension to the request. As a matter of fact, I don’t find it disrespectful at all that I was told and not asked. The reason why this can happen is because I trust my brother. I trust that even in something so trivial as telling me to drive, there must be a good reason, so I don’t have to question it.

If some other guy had said to drive, please know and understand that I am bringing out a tome of questions. Why? Can’t you drive? Where are we going? I don’t feel like driving. So ultimately, this ability to submit to a man, although he’s my brother, rests in the trust I have in him.

As women who are proud of our strength in varying ways, we forget that there are men who have a certain authority over us, in that manner. Whether it be a male friend, your father, your brother, or your husband. Whoever it is, that characteristic gets translated to somebody, essentially, worthy of your submission.

The best part is that this isn’t just limited to the men in your family. It isn’t just any man you’re submitting to, it’s a specific kind of man. I may submit to Kofi and have a contentious relationship with Kwame, but a friend of mine might be the complete opposite.

I remember realising this once when a friend of mine made a suggestion about a guy she thought I should date and my immediate reaction was, “I can’t, I would walk all over him.” Yet, there is a kind of woman out there, to whom he would have complete authority over in that sense. That woman just wasn’t me. Nor did I want it to be.

Can any of you relate to wanting a man who can look at you and tell you to sit down and you immediately do so? There’s no ifs, ands, or buts. Yet, there is also a kind of man who wouldn’t dare say something like that to you? Exactly.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know, personally, I would rather not be with somebody who can’t control me. Not in a disrespectful or oppressive manner, but somebody who could essentially match my strength. Once I realised that this was something I already did with some of the men in my life, the issue of submission was not as uncomfortable.

If I submit to my father, it’s because I trust that he has my best interest at heart. If I do to my brother, it’s because I know he knows what he’s doing. To a teacher because they are more knowledgeable about a subject. To a male friend because he knows me and wouldn’t knowingly put me in a situation that was bad for me. All these characteristics, the different reasons I dole out my submission in different forms, can come together in whatever relationship I find myself in, for those same reasons.

In submitting, I’m not just entirely giving control over, but I’m lending it to someone who equally respects me and my opinion because they know me as so and so. This man is in the driver’s seat, but if he’s lost he’s going to look at me and ask “which way do you think we should go?” because he values my opinion. I also give him the respect as the authority figure because that’s who he is, I am not just submitting to any tom, dick or harry.

It took me, a good, looooooong while to get here, but now that I am, I’m lorving it. It’s not quite second-nature to me yet, but I also don’t wince every time I’m told the man is the head of the household or some similar adage.

It is okay to submit to the right man. You truly give nothing up by doing so, and just gain so much instead.

I’m not just submitting for submission purposes, but I’m submitting because he has already submitted to God, and so I can trust that in his leadership and authority, I’m ultimately being led in the right direction. And if that means I get to sit up and cross my legs for a good leader to lead, then chale, WE GO!

 

 

PS: Don’t keep! Share…& then subscribe, okay :-)? 

31 Comments

  1. Awenatey said:

    Yaaaaaaaaaassss!! I couldn’t agree with you more! The wife submitting to her husband is how the Lord wants it and is therefore the best way. Though i must say that our men sometimes make it so hard to submit and then very often resort to bullying so as to continue feeling like the boss. But it needn’t be so. Because it’s very easy to submit to the leadership of a strong responsible gentleman whom you know has also submitted his will to the Lord, doesn’t take his duties lightly and above all respects and values you as his Godgiven partner for life. Don’t be mad at me gentlemen, I’m not playing the blame game I promise. I know us ladies still have to work on ourselves and our submission issues, but please make yourselves easy to submit to. Ask yourselves, “will i be happy submitting to myself??” And if deep down you know you can’t, well then work can begin from there 😊 thanks for the great post again. God bless us all!

    August 22, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Haha! I feel you. Some of them really do, but you’re right in that we, as women, also have to really work on ourselves!

      September 28, 2016
      Reply
  2. Rubie said:

    I know am late here but i strongly relate to this post especially the strong independent part of me. I keep getting comments that am too strong for any man ooh am that ooh am this eeish but i choose to believe God’s promises for my life not what people say about me. As for relationships and marriages, i believe in making my partner a real partner. Nothing like ooh hes better or higher. Relationships and marriage is a partnership the only thing is that both partners have different mindsets, priorities, strengths and weakness. So the essence of partnering is to make a team where together everyone attains more. God ordained marriage and whatever he ordaines and creates is good and perfect. Lets not complicate it.

    July 12, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Never too late!

      Absolutely, being partners is number one! You seem to know exactly what it is you would like so I think it’s great because it helps you not listen to everybody who thinks they know what’s best for you all the time.
      Thank you, Rubie!

      September 28, 2016
      Reply
  3. Izzy said:

    So very well said Ewurasi! If you know how this submission issue has been ‘doing me’ eh. Always thought people’s idea about it (guys notably) was wrong and was never going to be a doormat for no man.
    I usually make a reference to the movie Coming to America. If you want the ‘bark like a dog’ bride, then don’t come near me!
    You’ve captured the issue very nicely dear. It’s a whole lot easier submitting to the right man who is led by God. And I find a man who can ‘control’ me so appealing!
    God help us strong women end up with those types. Amen.

    July 10, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Why thank you, Izzy.
      Haha! It’s still doing me, i haven’t completely overcome. It’s a daily struggle and we continue to deal with it everyday.
      Thank you for taking the time out to read and comment.
      God will help us indeed.

      July 10, 2016
      Reply
    • Rubie said:

      Amen. Ialso keep getting those comments that am too strong for a man but eeish thats their story. Am gonna focus on God’s story for my life

      July 12, 2016
      Reply
  4. Keni Kodjo said:

    Fantastic! Splendid! I could not have put it any better! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

    June 26, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Thank you, Keni! Very appreciated.

      July 10, 2016
      Reply
  5. Afua said:

    I loved this. Thank you. I’ve been struggling with submission in my relationship as well. My question remains however, do I find someone I naturally submit to like you have described, or do I choose to make myself more submissive to the one I find?

    I hope you understand the question.

    June 24, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Thank you for reading, Afua.

      Let me firstly say, I’m not an expert at all, so my answers are based on personal experience. That being said…
      I think you have to find someone who you can submit to, based solely on their ability to respect you and your opinions and strength, and in doing so, you’ll be able to become more submissive. Or rather, be decidedly submissive in various situations.
      You’ll be naturally submissive, but also consciously submissive because you’ll be okay with them being the leader…

      It might also be great to try and identify why you’re struggling with submission in your relationship. i.e “am i unable to submit because my opinions are belittled?” or “am i unable to submit because I want to prove i’m stronger” If it’s the former, then that’s a valid reason to not submit, because the point of submission, I think, is that it’s honoured and respected. However, if it’s the former, then we’re all struggling with that and it gets a little easier the more we learn.

      Plenty talk talk. Does that help? Let me know if I’ve answered your question.

      June 25, 2016
      Reply
  6. Nanama said:

    Someone finally said it in many ways I couldn’t articulate. I absolutely and completely relate and understand this. The realization actually makes life a whole lot easier, at least for me. Thanks Ewuraesi. I’d be sure to share this with people I’ve been trying to have this conversation with amidst struggles with conveying the message with apt. God bless

    June 24, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Why, thank you, Nanama.

      It isn’t always cut or dry, to be fair. However, it does make life a little easier, I don’t always feel like i have to “fight” someone. Haha.

      Please do share!

      God bless you1

      June 25, 2016
      Reply
  7. Mawuse said:

    I can totally relate to this!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I realized that even tho I was the strong, independent, etc etc kinda woman, I still feel repulsed by men who will easily say yes to everything. It’s as if those men lacked back-bone🙈🙈. Thanks again for ur elucidation;trust makes all the difference

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Eheeeeh. That’s the feeling I’m talking about.
      Not every woman can relate, but the ones who can know exactly what I mean. To women like us, it’s rather unattractive to bend so easily. But equally unattractive to be overly protective or possessive. We like a good balance. Or?

      Thanks for commenting, Mawuse.

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  8. King Kennedy said:

    Nice one, really enoyed reading it @ Ewuraesi.
    @Tele, Hmmm! You that! Anyways, you are so right!

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      I’m glad you did, King Kennedy.

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  9. Nina said:

    Thanks for the post cuz I know I can relate a lot.
    I believe I am allowed to be as spiritual as I need to be. For a very long time, I battled with this issue myself, only thing was I figured my Father had asked me to submit so I might as well walk in obedience. However, I got to a place where I had to ask God to help me understand, I figured I was looking at it in the physical but as usual the carnal mind will not be able to discern things of the spirit and so I needed some amount of spiritual insight. I cannot say that I have reached a place of full understanding because as I have realized in my walk with God that you attain by faith and outliving that faith. Anyway my point is this, I believe there are different contexts to the issue of submission based on the relationship in question . Father – child, leader- follower, husband -wife. I have learned to mirror my life with that of Jesus especially with regards to the husband and wife relationship. If Jesus did not consider it robbery but submitted to God, and took on a lowly position for my sake then I figured there was really more to it. I had no issue submitting to God because I know that the plans he has for me are all for my good even if it doesn’t seem so from the beginning but I seemed to have a problem submitting to a man. But then I found out again in scripture that God will vindicate me when I choose to obey his word. Sarah submitted to Abraham when he asked her to say she was his sister, maybe she wasn’t really enthused about the idea but she did it anyway, twice and God kept her. In spiritual offices, the Holy Spirit seems to be in submission to the Father and the Son but I noticed that a sin against Fathet and son will be forgiven….but against the Holy Ghost😁😬😬😬. Each day I learn there’s a higher place in this regard. I believe that as you well said, it’s my responsibility to ensure that the man I choose to partner with eventually is fully submitted to God first so I can also fully submit to my own husband and that way we three can handle the bumps along the road.
    Sorry for the long talk… God bless you indeed!!!

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Nina! You are PREACHING!

      I love the distinction of the different type of relationships in which we submit!

      And for me to reach this point, it has always been centred on respect. All of these men in my life I submit to in different ways are men I respect, but more importantly, men who also respect me. Even if it’s my father, who still says please and thank you and if i asked why I had to do something would be more than willing to explain the reasoning. I’m not doing this blindly, but submitting because I have evidence of the fruit it yields when I do so.

      YES! if he’s submitted to God, then I really have less of a problem submitting to him (my husband), because i”m essentially submitting to God, through this vessel.

      This comment warmed my heart. Thank you, Nina.

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  10. betty said:

    Learning this in my own way. Nice to hear my thoughts in someone else’s voice

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      As am I, Betty.

      But what is life if you’re not consistently growing and learning?

      Thank you for reading!

      And come back and give me new perspective on things you learn 🙂

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  11. Abena said:

    I am not just submitting for submission purposes…
    Thanks Ewueaesi! God bless you!

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Thank YOU, Abena, for reading and gracing me with a comment.

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  12. Jade said:

    Great submission Ewurasi. The strong woman has a choice to select that one man she can easily submit to .

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Oui! Oui! Oui!

      Agreed!

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
  13. Tele said:

    Hi there! I’m so freaked out by this because I believe it’s a recurring Wrong theme in the world today. Things are being turned on their head because we’re acting as if Relativity applies to the Truth – which in and of itself is only 1. There can be only 1 standard to Truth – nobody can have their ‘personal’ truth moulded only by their individual assertion.
    I come from a very female-centric background but even with that, I’ve come to realise and accept the fact that Women and Men are not equals in anything, apart from the fact that they are both Human. Their constitutions, interests, strengths, weaknesses, values, dreams and even thinking patterns are undeniably different. Logic should dictate then that their purposes would be tailored to their unique abilities now, no?
    It’s no surprise either that when the institution of Marriage was set up it followed a peculiar format in setting up the Man as the head, a fact modern-day Feminism rails against daily.
    The greatest boon out of this, however, is that when people are placed in their right places in this Union, Everybody benefits. A woman is in No Way ‘Lesser’ than a man due to this. People who think like that employ the same reasoning that would say that because you’re making Palmnut soup, the palmnut is far more important than the water! 😀

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      See verbiage!

      Go Tele. And i entirely agree. I agree that we’re not equal. And we must not try to act the same way.

      I also agree that being submissive does not make you a less important party, which is kind of what my initial idea about submission used to be. And what a lot of women I talk to think. We essentially don’t want to be written out of the picture. But that’s not at all what happens.

      You’re hitting nails on the head here.

      p.p.s my first comment from Tele everyone! Clap for me!

      June 23, 2016
      Reply
      • Oye said:

        *Applauds you for your first comment from Tele*
        So many truths. My conclusion from wrestling with this issue is very similar to yours despite getting there differently.

        1) We need to accept and treat the submission part as the non-negotiable it is in a Christian marriage as ladies. And because it is non-negotiable, we need to be non-negotiable in making sure whomever we decide to be yoked with is someone we can submit to. You have nicely summarized the requirements – someone you trust and who respects & values you.

        2) As a church, we need to do better by both our young men and women. Teach our young women point (1); and teach our young men to rise up to the kind of leadership that makes submission a non-issue. If we ignore the men and continue to hit women on the head with submission, we will continue to have the same problems and it will only get worse as the changing world throws more complications at this marriage institution we hold so dear.
        Thanks for availing yourself, Sis. Nyame nhyira wo.

        June 29, 2016
        Reply
        • Ewuraesi said:

          We definitely need to start teaching it to our young men. But that’s an entirely different issue altogether, eh?

          That’s a good point. It would be a great start to helping this idea about submission be a little easier to deal with.

          Thanks for commenting, Oye.

          July 6, 2016
          Reply
  14. Priscilla said:

    Thank you for this.

    June 23, 2016
    Reply
    • Ewuraesi said:

      Thank you for reading!

      June 23, 2016
      Reply

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