Your Boyfriend’s User Manual.

boy manualThe guy you’re with is human. How complicated aaaaahh can he be? Keeping him is really about knowing how and when to play your cards, and that brings me to my first apor (tip); the card stash.

From the day you agree to be his girl, or he agrees to be yours (depending on which side of the world you’re reading from) both of you receive an invisible deck of cards. They’re like ‘get out of jail free’ cards, and they’re limited, so I wonder why you misuse yours so. Depending on the guy you’re with, and how crazy he was about you when you started out, you might have received a hundred or a dozen, either ways wise usage is key.

If you keep going ooon and oooonnn about something he’s already apologized for, you’ve used one, and established yourself as a nagger. If you see a suggestive text on his phone and go berserk, throw tantrums and verbally abuse him, only to find out that it was actually from his sister –who wanted advice before sending it to her boy- you’ve used five.

It surprises me when you think that just because I say I’ve forgiven you, it means I’m incapable of recollecting that one time when you disrespected me in front of my friends, given that you just repeated it. Yes baby, I forgave you, but you didn’t get your seven cards back, they’re used up!

Eventually the one who holds more ‘cards’ controls the relationship. It is he who can say when he fouls or ‘does yawa’ that “I’m surprised you’re acting this way sweedy. Even that time when you did xyz, I didn’t react this way’’. You realize he’s right and your face becomes a stupid (hehehe). Bottom line, don’t goof more times than you can afford to, else you give ammunition for the potential coward in your guy to grow.

Example: Now you know, and I know that nobody goes to ‘Living room’ or ‘E&S’ (Private Cinema) solely to capture the private cinema experience, stuff happens. So this guy was talking with his girl about a recently-opened private cinema he wanted them to visit, then without thinking, the girl blurted

boyfriend manual“O naah babes, not there; their sofas aren’t so comfortable”

“Ei Abby,  how could you know that? We haven’t been there before”

She concocted a long nonsensical story, but the boy finally let her off….until when he wanted a break-up and wasn’t man enough to be honest about the real reason. He brought that up.

Secondly there’s the issue of saying sorry. You don’t have to do it soo often! Frankly, when I wake up, I don’t remember that you failed to call to say goodnight like you promised, so please save the sorry for when you really goof. The powers of ‘sorry and crying’ diminishes over usage. They obey the law of diminishing marginal utility; the more something’s consumed, the less enjoyable it becomes relative to the previous consumption.

You can get away with so many things without saying sorry, you just have to know which. Guys aren’t as fussy about some stuff, but when you say sorry, for us, it registers. So when you eventually are sorry for lying to me about your ex, I’m like “You’re always saying sorry, abah!”

Don’t agree with me always. Heck if I wanted someone to dance to my every tune, I’ll have gone to a ballet school. I can’t be right aalllways, cammoonn, where’s your spine??! If you’re certain it wasn’t Jesus who said “Silver and Gold have I none, but by the power of God I command you to rise up and walk” stick to your guts, insist He didn’t, but don’t for the fear of upsetting me say “Yeah, babe, I guess He must have” where’s your spine? Be opinionated, don’t come off as needy, else I might take you for granted without knowing that I am. Don’t let me feel I can treat you like trash and get you back with a snap of my finger, don’t do that. You ruin the need for the healthy habit of me calling you often “M’anfre wo a, den na wo be ye?” (what’s the worst you can do if I stop calling you). Let me miss you small.

The flip side to this (and I know this’ hard); don’t take our debates personal. We’re talking about the thieving prostitute that got raped, it has nothing to do with us babe, so don’t walk out on me because of my stance. Understandably, you attach emotions to your arguments, but if you can control it to the point where the winner is the one who expresses himself best and makes the soundest points, then we’re on the highway to talking more often. My friends will enjoy their conversations with you and talk about their admiration behind your back.

Yes, and crying; baby, it may be that I don’t know how to react to crying girlfriends or tears in general. My snickering and aloofness is my confused way of being sensitive, I’ll learn, hopefully. You should know though, that the first time you cried, I was so moved eh, I’d have done virtually anything you asked me to. But afei de, I can embrace your teary face and still keep an attentive eye on the Man-U match whilst repeating your favorite poem “Don’t worry babe, it’s gonna be alright”.  When it comes to us guys, your tears are your torpedoes, your ace cards, your nuke, why would you toss it around like a cliché?

O & this one; scheme your way babe, scheme your way into the driving seat. If you show up and see me  with my friends watching TV when I had promised to  prepare dinner for us two with candle lights and the full monty, in subtle ways, let them understand what tonight was supposed to be and insist they stay. Tell me to keep at it, change into that t-shirt of mine you like so much, go to the kitchen, fix something, bring it to the hall let’s all munch together. Cheer when my friends’ team wins (not too much) and give them hi-fives. If you can do that shweedy, you’ll have gotten me by the collar…and my friends too. You’ll have sacrificed your immediate right to flip out for the later, longer glory of getting off three or four similar hooks. Plus my friends won’t stop talking about you!!!

My point is, each time your guy goofs, in the split second you have to react, choose the latter of these two; exercise your privilege to blast him, or make sure he understands the magnitude of his yawa and surprise him by letting it go. Let your silence torment him, then when the torment has worn off and he’s starting to do too-known, remind him and aptly describe the emotional turmoil he put you through then ask in teary eyes “Do you think just because I didn’t say nuffing meant I was cool? I knew your job interview was in two days, what kinda girlfriend would I have been if I dwelt on it….” If you do it right, his anger’ll switch to a sorry speech in minutes, when he reaches for the embrace, and your head is nestled on his shoulder, you can wipe off the sad puppy look and wink at me 😉

PS: Three  key points remain, I’ll add ’em next week. Stay tuned 😉
PS: Too many people need this for you to keep to yourself. Share!

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11 Comments

  1. Judy said:

    This is not just one of Ben’s posts but reeeaaall life saving advice.
    You’re endowed oooohh.. Eeii
    This is my third time read this post- twice last year and today.

    PS: where are the other points?? 😁

    June 26, 2017
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Ei Judy then it spoke to you path dier! lol, I’m curious though; is there any addition you’ll have made to it?

      July 1, 2017
      Reply
  2. 9arki said:

    Good one, Ben! Wondering how come I haven’t read this all this while. Controlled Silence Treatment is always therapeutic

    December 5, 2015
    Reply
  3. MzDee said:

    Ahahahaha…. Crazy, funny, therapeutic, emotional, relaxing, all at the same time. You are so right and yet so wrong all at once; but hey, your choice of words always leaves my jaws dropping.

    August 11, 2015
    Reply
  4. Barbielove said:

    This brought tears to my eyes. The mistakes I’ve made. I’m gonna make it up to the next and probably right last guy God will bestow upon me.
    Thank You Ben

    April 28, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Aaaawwweessomme! And God-willing it’s going to be pretty soon. It’s a good thing when we learn from our mistakes, it kinda qualifies us for the next phase.

      April 29, 2015
      Reply
  5. Akos said:

    I love it! Though I am boyfriend-less at the moment (that two-timing …..) I’ll use this for future reference!

    July 13, 2013
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      hehehehe. Dont mind him. Life has a way of two timing two timers. Is it Karma they call it?

      September 20, 2013
      Reply
  6. Emmanuel said:

    Wow… you sure are bless with a talent. I thank God for your beautiful life. 😉

    July 13, 2013
    Reply
  7. BigFearro said:

    But then again, what if, I’m sitting here trying to ‘make-him-miss-me-small’ and that other girl keeps calling and putting herself in his face?? or he feels He’s being ignored??
    Then so much for missing……….
    *it’s a complicated world papa!!*

    July 12, 2013
    Reply
  8. BigFearro said:

    Chale, I really liked reading this, and it so much more real than the ‘perfection’ tales peeps tell abt relationships. write more, write more.
    I remember making a personal note to myself never to whine again, and then actually writing it down clearly somewhere I could see often, so far, so good, but upper hand has been given over already, time to WIN it back.
    hihihihii…

    July 12, 2013
    Reply

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