I’ve always sinned, right from infancy. Some of my earliest sins included coveting my brothers bigger meat, lying that I wasn’t the one who used the toilet and didn’t flush, overly enjoying the stimulating warmth of being on Patience’s back as I played her son in a ‘Maame ne Paapa game and deciding that the coins on my mum’s bedside will be better off in my pocket for my Fan Spot icecream agenda.
Sinning then was doused with innocence and naivety. Conviction sometimes came. Perhaps because I couldn’t spell the word, I didn’t feel it so often.
Over the years though, I became more cognizant of sin. One of the prayers I often prayed was “Father make my conscience so sharp that I wont be able to find any pleasure in continuous sin.” I’d feel so terrible when I did something I know to be wrong, then I’d feel dirty and unworthy to talk to God, then I’d wander farther, then I’d do more wrong until suddenly I realize that “O goodness, I’m like a sitting duck right now!”
I read somewhere that when we consciously sin, we are punching holes in God’s protective hedge around us and giving access to darkness into our lives. I’d be so scared and wonder what the devil was going to do to me now that I was so far from God’s will. I’d remember all those declarations I made alongside the prayer warriors, the fire I prayed to fall on them, the sword I prayed to smite them, the confusion I prayed to befall them, then I’d quiver at what would become of me now that I’ve torn down my hedge of protection.
On nights like that, waving plantain leaves looked like moonwalking monsters. The barks of dogs made me wonder if they’d seen something ghastly, perhaps something whitish floating in the darkness of the night? As for the curtain blowing and the kitchen door closing dier, hmm, they were the footsteps of a dreadful end that made me crave sunrise. Also, I honestly don’t think the Nigerian films helped.
So I’d rush back to doing right out of fear of the consequence of being vulnerable. Then when I felt like I was back on track, I’d be like “Wheeew, that was a close one!” But sin would return and the cycle would repeat itself and fear would say giggling “Hiiiiiii Beeennnjjiee, I miissseed yoouuuu”. At those times I wouldn’t even pray because what’s the point? I’m going to steal that meat tomorrow anyway, why get God all excited then disappoint him again? In fact at the time of praying for forgiveness, I have fallen for an imaginary temptation of what I’d do if the same situation repeated itself. Arggghhhhh it was such a draaaagg!!! Then somewhere along the line of genuinely purshewing Him, something snapped! It robbed sin of its power in my life, and I hope it does same with you.
I forget whether it was Ravi Zacharias or Jentenzen Franklin, but one of them preached about how wrong it is to let sin keep us from hollering at God. He said (paraphrased) “The devil is the epitome of sin and evil, and even he has audience with God. In all his sin, in the book of Job, didn’t he present himself to God as he usually did? So if even the father of lies, condemned to eternal damnation has audience with God…..how much more you with your nyatinyati sin? Won’t the angels in heaven be more excited to serve you icewater than hosting Lucifer…which they do sometimes?”
I was like “Daaaayyyeeemmm! I’ve been doing myself mugu.” Look fam, saints fall. In fact a saint is a sinner who falls and get’s back up. For if we fall six times, we shall rise seven times. Yes some of us have added a few zeroes to those numbers, but His continuous intercession with the father is enough.
I wrote to tell you that in your filthiest state, God is still excited to hear from you. The dirt of your worst case scenario sinful state couldn’t turn the red blood of Jesus black. Don’t let your sinful addictions keep you from him. Don’t let the judgmental voices in your head keep you from saying “Hi Jesus” every day. Don’t condemn yourself at the same time that the blood that speaks better things than the blood of Abel is speaking for you. Don’t do it fam. Do you know what it means for love to be unconditional? Try God.
That said, it’ll be such a pity to view this as a license to just go out and swim in lust and do you. God’s unconditional love isn’t like some Credit card you should set out to max out. The simplest expression of gratitude for his unconditional love is your determination to live right. If you stumble and fall, cool, just get back up, but don’t fantacize about the mud you’re going to swim in tomorrow. You deserve a wicked stepmother if you’re like that.
Rather, use sin to get closer to God and become more dependent on him. Let it make you conscious of your faint humanity and the need for His omnipotent divinity. Let it humble you and strip self righteousness away, but whatever you do, don’t let it rule you and don’t let it keep you from the shower of God’s love that’s never turned off. Peace out.
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