Many years ago, two good looking dudes lived, from two different eras, but with 1 crucial decision that altered their destinies; to chop, or not to chop.
David was a heart throb. So conspicuously good looking that when he stepped out to fight the fiercest Philistine warrior of his time, the savage scorned at him. If you’re so good looking that the man to kill you can’t help but notice it, then you must have been really something.
And Joseph, well his good looks almost got him royally screwed.
So I pulled a couple of strings, and got on a skype call with them. It wasn’t so difficult because we’d met before, sometime last year. Here’s what happened.
Me: I can’t help but notice that you guys had such similar circumstances. Both had many older brothers, more seemingly deserving of favor.
David: The Only difference is; my dad didn’t think that much of me, but Joe boy here meant the world to his dad.
Me: That’s true Joe. He made you a garment so beautiful and out of so much love that even many centuries after, Donny Parton made a hit country track based on it.
Joseph: Very funny.
Me: True o, but I find that the subtle difference in your upbringing told differently on how you turned out. David, you became a revered, legendary warrior. When your prospective father in law asked you to bring him the foreskins of a hundred philistine warriors, you brought him 200!
But you Joseph, it took only 11 guys to get you down into a pit and up for sale. Matter of fact, I don’t recall anything violent about you.
Joseph: Ummn… You it’s okay.
David: (Snickering) Why Joe, cat caught your tongue?
Joseph: Well, it’s just that the way I see it, violence is a means to a certain end. If there’s another equally effective way of getting there without blood, I find that more….ummn appealing.
David: Really? So before Goliath, you’ll fall asleep and dream?
Me: Wow wow wow, easy guys. There’s so much to you two, we could be here forever, what I want to know more about were your love lives. How did you choose your women and all that?
David: I think Joseph should go first
Joseph: Because my total is a fraction of yours?
Me: Yeah Dave, you had quite a number. 3 before you became king, and five known ones after. Rumor has it that there were many more unknown of.
David: Hmmn, what you lot need to get is that polygamy was no biggie then. Loads of other chosen men had more than a few women.
Me: True, and you really took full advantage of that.
David: See, I had my heart broken by my first love Merab.
Me: Well it wasn’t exactly her fault was it?
David: I’m not saying it was. Her dad raised my hopes, and just when I was really looking forward to it, she’s given to some Adriel guy. What’s that all about?
Joseph: Wow, that’s like a sore spot bro.
David: Well it hurts you know, cos chick was fiiiinneeee.
Me: You make it sound like Michal was a rebound.
David: No no no, don’t get it twisted, Michal was her kid sister, but she was special. She didn’t have me a son, but she saved my life. For that I owe her everything.
Me: How did she manage that?
David: To save my life or not have me a son?
Me: Eyebrow raised Seriously?
David: Just kidding. Gotto make some lemonade from the lemons abi?
David: The short of it is. Her dad wanted me killed, but before that could happen, she helped me down a window, and tricked the soldiers who’d come for me with pillows and a doll. Making them think I was there’s when I’d been gone hours before.
Me: Ooo so that’s where it came from. White kids still use that trick to sneak out to parties these days.
Joseph: But that wasn’t the end was it?
David: Throat clears. Well no. I never got over Michal. Many years, many women later, I still loved her. So I asked her brother to bring her to me. We never really broke up you know, she was just married off to some Paltiel guy. I hear he followed her a lloooonnng distance crying. Otoolege.
Joseph: You felt sorry for him?
David: Well not exactly, he had it coming. It’s always a bad idea to hook up with someone who’s not completely over an ex or who hasn’t broken up properly. That’s a ticking time bomb situation.
Me: So you got her?
David: Yeah she came back.
Me: Joe, you’ve been rather quiet.
Joseph: Well there’s little to say you know. Asneath was the love of my life. I was a virgin before her, and there was none other.
Me: That’s sweet. Especially because of Portipher’s wife.
Joseph: Hmmn, asem oo.
Me: There’s something I want to ask about that, but in a bit. Dave, your 3rd wife, Abigail you got her under rather strange circumstances, wont you say?
David: Naah, not really. Her wealthy husband had been very foolish. I mean you Nabal, who are you eh who are you? I protected your men and multitude livestock in the wilderness aaah, then when I come to your area and ask you to show me some nutritional love, you tell my men nyaah and send them back.
Me: Ei, then e pain you dier.
David: O, na I bore. So I got 400 of my men ready to go kill the life out of everything in his household and then his gorgeous, eloquent, intelligent, Godly wife riding on a donkey meets me and changes my mind.
Me: Wow, you were that impressed?
David: I can’t tell you how much. Every man needs a wife like Abby. She found out about her husband’s insulting message and took initiative, packed a ton of food and came with such humility to calm me down. Her words were soo…soo…soft and wise and sedating. She saved me from committing murder and her husband from certain death. She explained that if Nabal had done wrong, vengeance was the Lord’s not mine.
Me: So it wasn’t you that killed him?
David: O naah. Me I heard he got stroke then died like a week later. God did just as Abby predicted.
Me: So you took that as a sign?
David: Well, depends on how you look at it. I thought wow! Now this’ a woman I can leave in the boardroom to take care of things. She’ll always have things on lockdown.
Me: So why did you marry more women after, sex?
David: Ooo, enough with me, ask Joseph something scandalous.
Me: The only scandal he’s been in is with Portipher’s wife.
Joseph: You make it sound like it’s no biggie.
Me: Not that, it’s just that, she was just one woman
Joseph: One woman? ONE WOMAN? Babe was not just one woman. Have you seen Egyptian royalty before?
Joseph: You guys talk about Cleopatra like there was just one of her kind. In my time, there was a Cleopatra on every street. Women who bathed in milk and smelled of rare defibrillating fragrances. Women were so fine, that undertakers warmed their corpses and had sex with them. Even the women we ignored then will pass for today’s beauty queens. And the lady in question was the wife of a high ranking Egyptian official, a blue blood. Her body. Her body. Her body!
She came to me not once, or twice. Saying no Ben, it was as hard as anything..
Me: Wow. Why Dave, you seem….withdrawn.
David: Ooh it’s nothing.
Me: You sure?
Me: Really? Bathshebaly sure.
Joseph: Ooo, sorry for putting you on the spot like that bro.
David: O, it’s okay, I knew it’ll come up eventually anyway.
Me: Looking back Dave, how do you feel about that episode? You had 7 KNOWN wives by then, was she that much a must have?
David: Hmmn. No offence Joe, but Portipher’s wife got nu’n on Bathsheba. The day I saw her bathing, my conscience went on mute mode. That’s not to say I’m proud of it, I’m not. She was for another man, one in my army, and I narrowed ad browned him. I pulled a presecan on him. Not cool. But she did give birth to the world’s wisest man and famous king.
Me: So that settles it?
David: No it doesn’t. I can’t tell you how much that uncontrolled erection cost me.
David: Well for one, it cost me my dear son Absalom. Based on Ahithophel’s advice, he screwed aaallll my concubines under a tent on the palace roof, in broad daylight.
Joseph: Kai! If Ephraim or Manasseh had done that, hmmm….
Me: Horror. But Ahithophel, he’s Bathsheba’s Grandpa right?
David: Yeah. Very wise man who never forgave. Many many years after the thing with his granddaughter, he advised my son to do that disgraceful thing at the same place I did mine.
Me: What goes around does come around.
Me: I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right. I meant payback is a –you know what, I’m just sorry.
Joseph: You know, all this makes me wonder, what would have happened if I’d screwed Portipher’s wife? How would I have paid for it?
Me: Guess we’ll never know. So you guys got any last words?
David: Well I just wanna say that because you cant marry more than one woman these days, take your time, pray to God to get one woman who has Bathsheba’s body, Abigail’s Godliness, diplomacy and intelligence, Michal’s wit and loyalty, Ahinoam’s fertility and the other virtues of my other wives. May you lack a reason and ability to take another man’s wife or cheat on yours. May infidelity or any kind of sexual sin never be part of your ‘To-seek-forgiveness-for’ list. Amen.
Joseph: Well I just wanna say (rather uncharacteristically) that one hole is enough when it’s the right one. Take your time to find it. Plus don’t judge. I mean Dave here’s done a lot of yawa, but you don’t see me judging him. He’s better known as a king than I was. Not that I was a king proper mpo. But you catch my drift?
Me: Most def. We all do abi?
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