My friend’s dad said to him last month; don’t marry a woman from a broken home…she’ll be carrying her mother’s fears in her. I think there’s as much risk in dating a woman like that as there is in dating a man from a complete family but with an irresponsible dad. These days there are broken homes that are still together only in the technical sense.
You, me we’ve all been hurt before. In some ways we are the sum total of our pains and joys, our memories and experiences. The things we go through are the chisels that shape us into who we are, and in time, it becomes difficult to tell between hurt-induced opinions and God-induced ones. In time our subjective experiences find their way into our objective opinions. So when our carpenters, mechanics or bosses advice us, it’s laden with their individual experiences, which is easier to discern. The problematic ones are those that come from scarred parents.
I love the Krobos because of the sensual knowledge mothers and grandmothers pass on to daughters about to get married. All mothers pass on knowledge of sorts, but some pass on venom. They charge their daughters to avenge them for the lives their fathers held them back from leading. If a man cheated on them, they convince their daughters that all men are bleating goats, so don’t lose sleep over a promiscuous husband.
If you don’t spend his money another woman would. It’s his responsibility to provide for everything, under no circumstance should you jump in and help. Stay away from his sisters. Don’t trust his friends. Have your own building projects on the side. Don’t be caught off guard when he drives you out… yada yada yada.
I admit, my kind have been very disappointing to many women. There are men who are bleating goats. There are men who take advantage of their wives’ benevolence. There are men who have no regard for fidelity and develop amnesia when better days arrive. But those aren’t the only kind of men there are. If you disagree, then you’re like the peacemaker who steps out with a grenade in her pocket; even a happy baby is suspicious.
The truth too is, our parents have a lot of wisdom to pass on, but it’s up to us to discern when God is speaking through them and when their past is doing the talking. It’s a sorry life to enter a marriage with your mother’s fears haunting you when the man God has sent you is probably nothing at all like that. Thing is, mum cant see anything wrong with the advice she’s giving you and many decades of incidents have cemented those perceptions, but you cant claim to be a genuine Bible-believing daughter of God and take your book of Leviticus from your mum’s experiences.
A groom’s worst fear is to find out that his bride’s mum doesn’t trust men. What will she tell her daughter if she ever approaches her with a concern? My mum is who she is, your dad is who he is. They raised us, so it’s probably overambitious to try to change them from a certain way of thought, but we shouldn’t walk around paranoid with their fears.
There are so many girls who are excessively defensive because the least sign of a man asserting any form of leadership triggers the many nights their mothers cried from daddy’s tyranny. That’s not fair to bro Joe, who may not at all be like that. I think the best way to make sure that you’re getting a good deal of a partner is to make sure it’s God giving him to you and bringing her your way.
If you’re convicted that your partner is God-sent, you can confidently kiss mum on her forehead and say “It’ll be fine mum, don’t worry.” It’s when we’re not sure whether we got our partners from our cunning ways or God’s grace that we start seeing the need to ‘wise up’ so that what happened to our parents don’t happen to us. And thing is, if you aren’t sure that God sent that dude, what’s wrong with you walking down the aisle with him? If you’re not at peace within that she’s a fulfillment of a promise God made, you deserve all that’s coming to you when you marry her. No amount of mummy’s advice or daddy’s counsel can get you out of that whole.
So do continue to listen to mum and ask dad for advice, but pray for the discernment to tell between a hurt and a help. And ensure that your partner choice is heaven ratified, then you know that no matter what insecurities mum pumps into her head, the Holy Spirit has gifted her with the wisdom to tell them apart.
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