Every now and then I get an e-mail from someone saying kind words or wanting to know my take on something. Days after the ‘Made By A Woman’ post, I got this mail from Maame Yaa. I’m sharing it because she permitted me to and also because if you are or know someone going through a breakup, you’ll find this very valuable.
O and I told her about the smart aleck you are so she’s looking to hear how you think she should deal with this situation. Here goes;
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So Ben, I got dumped because I was not ready to settle down (BTW, I think we should stop saying getting married is settling down-its living!) ..and I am crushed because I never expected him to move on so fast ( FYI, I never said ‘no’ to him, I knew his flaws but I was willing to be by his side, because hey, nobody is perfect). I felt I have personal stuff (in terms of confidence and assertiveness) I needed to work on before saying “I do”.
Right now, I feel hurt, lost and unsure of my future. I want to move on…but at the same time, I don’t want to be in the same situation. He doesn’t want to see me or talk to me- my friends keep telling me I should stop calling him…but it’s not about ego…I just want closure…and I keep thinking if there was something different I should have done to make it work or make him understand that I loved him, that he could wait for me.
Does this sound like battered woman syndrome (albeit a mild case) How do I move on?
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Hi M (may I?)
I’m glad you wrote.
At the end of your mail you asked only one question, but I get the sense you were in fact asking a dozen.
You don’t sound like you’re over him. You sound like you miscalculated and now there’s little you can do. You sound like it’s too late and you’ve exhausted all the things you could have done to get him back. It’s a shame and I feel your pain, I really do. I really can connect with that state, and if winning back is off the table then you must burn all the bridges.
Stand outside yourself (not literally though) and soak in all the hurt, pain and regret. Let it do its worst as you acknowledge them all…then resolve that that’s the worst you’ll ever feel. It will never hurt that much. It will never feel that bad, it will get better. Take note of all the ugly lessons this one has taught and resolve to never repeat them.
Then you have to pray about all this. And not in some ritualistic Psalm 23 way; have a very frank convo with God about how hard it is and how much better a person you are becoming because of that experience, ask for grace and help to see the big picture ahead. Believe that it’s working out for your good. Absolutely leave it in His hands because if it’s not His will that you guys get back it will be all trouble if you do. Believe that His will for you is much better than anything you could will for yourself, then be expectant. Be very expectant of the reason paaaaaahhh for which He allowed this to happen.
And trust Him with all the decisions you make going forward, because if you do that, you wont have to worry about hurt repeating itself. If you’ve learnt from your mistakes and are trusting God with your decisions, there’s no way you can end up in that same spot again.
Picture the perfect relationship and the happiest marriage and family. Don’t worry about the ‘hows’ ‘what ifs’ and all that, just let Him know that you don’t have a Plan B; if He doesn’t come through for you you’re screwed. If you do all this well, there’ll be such a peace in your heart. Sooo much peace you can actually mean it when you wish your ex and his new girl all the best. That will probably be the greatest proof that you’ve graduated to the next level, and God will honour his promises.
That’s the best I could come up with, hope it helps 🙂
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