1st Aid For Heartache.

Every now and then I get an e-mail from someone saying kind words or wanting to know my take on something. Days after the ‘Made By A Woman’ post, I got this mail from Maame Yaa. I’m sharing it because she permitted me to and also because if you are or know someone going through a breakup, you’ll find this very valuable.

O and I told her about the smart aleck you are so she’s looking to hear how you think she should deal with this situation. Here goes;

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So Ben, I got dumped because I was not ready to settle down (BTW, I think we should stop saying getting married is settling down-its living!) ..and I am crushed because I never expected him to move on so fast ( FYI,  I never said ‘no’ to him, I knew his flaws but I was willing to be by his side, because hey, nobody is perfect). I felt I have personal stuff (in terms of confidence and assertiveness) I needed to work on before saying “I do”.

Right now, I feel hurt, lost and unsure of my future. I want to move on…but at the same time, I don’t want to be in the same situation.  He doesn’t want to see me or talk to me- my friends keep telling me I should stop calling him…but it’s not about ego…I just want closure…and I keep thinking if there was something different I should have done to make it work or make him understand that I loved him, that he could wait for me.

Does this sound like battered woman syndrome (albeit a mild case) How do I move on?

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Hi M (may I?)

I’m glad you wrote.

At the end of your mail you asked only one question, but I get the sense you were in fact asking a dozen.

You don’t sound like you’re over him. You sound like you miscalculated and now there’s little you can do. You sound like it’s too late and you’ve exhausted all the things you could have done to get him back. It’s a shame and I feel your pain, I really do. I really can connect with that state, and if winning back is off the table then you must burn all the bridges.

Stand outside yourself (not literally though) and soak in all the hurt, pain and regret. Let it do its worst as you acknowledge them all…then resolve that that’s the worst you’ll ever feel. It will never hurt that much. It will never feel that bad, it will get better. Take note of all the ugly lessons this one has taught and resolve to never repeat them.

Then you have to pray about all this. And not in some ritualistic Psalm 23 way; have a very frank convo with God about how hard it is and how much better a person you are becoming because of that experience, ask for grace and help to see the big picture ahead. Believe that it’s working out for your good. Absolutely leave it in His hands because if it’s not His will that you guys get back it will be all trouble if you do. Believe that His will for you is much better than anything you could will for yourself, then be expectant. Be very expectant of the reason paaaaaahhh for which He allowed this to happen.

And trust Him with all the decisions you make going forward, because if you do that, you wont have to worry about hurt repeating itself. If you’ve learnt from your mistakes and are trusting God with your decisions, there’s no way you can end up in that same spot again.

Picture the perfect relationship and the happiest marriage and family. Don’t worry about the ‘hows’ ‘what ifs’ and all that, just let Him know that you don’t have a Plan B; if He doesn’t come through for you you’re screwed. If you do all this well, there’ll be such a peace in your heart. Sooo much peace you can actually mean it when you wish your ex and his new girl all the best. That will probably be the greatest proof that you’ve graduated to the next level, and God will honour his promises.

That’s the best I could come up with, hope it helps 🙂

PS: Don’t keep! Share…& then subscribe :-) , and leave a comment if you have a thought.

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Photo Credit: Getty Images.

6 Comments

  1. Aurelia said:

    Enter Your Comment…hmm my story God richly bless u for the advice. it is well

    July 14, 2016
    Reply
  2. Oseyda said:

    My dear let him go. If he did not understand the need for you to hold on a while then he does not deserve you. Its better this way because you don’t know what would have happened in future. You should be able to stand by each other o matter what and not just bolt when the least challenge comes. By the way… you are right (Marriage is living and not settling).

    September 16, 2015
    Reply
  3. Kjoe said:

    My dear, i thank God for your life and the strength He has given you to step up. Much has been said for your consideration and i know it may be hard to see the sense in them (depending on which phase of the hurt you are currently experiencing) BUT if you truly love the Lord then i want to present to you again, the knowledge in this passage which has already been paraphrased by Ben. You can personalize it for effect. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose” Romans 8:28. Thank you for being a blessing to all the sisters suffering in silence.

    September 7, 2015
    Reply
  4. akua said:

    I love that you ask her to be expectant. Coming from a place of heartache myself I can relate to the hurt and confusion; just wanting to understand what you could have done differently. But I am learning to remind myself constantly that GOD LOVES ME! And He is ALWAYS looking out for me. So dear M, He has an excellent reason for allowing this, and you will get through

    September 6, 2015
    Reply
  5. Modupe said:

    Well…. The next time any “boy” suggests that you prove your love, RUN!!! He should trust you enough to believe that you do when you say it.

    September 5, 2015
    Reply
  6. Freeudora said:

    Don’t forget to forgive him. It’s a very vital step. Forgive him for everything, for moving on so quickly for wasting your time, everything. Then pray for him its a good check of if you have forgiven truly.

    September 4, 2015
    Reply

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