This past Sunday was the weirdest Sunday yet. At church, I listened to two exciting sermons at the same time; from the reverend behind the altar and the ‘4 shades of orange’ girl sitting in front of me. I’m not sure which to start with, but you let me tell you about the girl.
The second she sat in front of me, I saw the altar no more; her hair was a crowd! I stretched my neck, leaned left, leaned right but that hair was wider than an umbrella. So I moved one seat to the right and glory was restored. From that seat, I also had a clear view of her phone’s screen. For the next thirty minutes I shared my attention between the message and her sermon; both were so enlightening.
I saw her face when the pastor said “Tell your neighbor we serve a good God!” The brows were suspiciously symmetrical with an inorganic shade of black. At once my mind captured the fact that the shade of ‘fair’ on of her face got darker around her shoulders and then darker from elbow to finger. I could only imagine ankle to feet. But don’t get it twisted, this wasn’t some debu girl, and she has pictures to prove it, about 2,000 of them. How do I know? Over the course of the 30 minute sermon, she sent about a dozen to four different guys.
I was privileged to see how she selected; each set of hundred pictures must have been taken within the same 2 minutes. So she’d settle on one from the very identical 100, then move on to the next 100. Truth is, chick is photogenic. Pixels have replaced mirrors as a woman’s best friend, because those pixels on her camera were worrrrkking it!
She took a screenshot of someone’s CV off the Internet then sent it to four different guys to type it out for her and send to her email. If nothing at all, clearly she knew that even a backup needed a backup which needed a backup, which needed one last one. She needed the typing done by close of day and in exchange you remember the pictures she sent minutes before? Well that’s your payment right there.
Three of the guys obliged very quickly. In fact one said “Sure” and went right back to asking how possible it was for her to be this beautiful. “O my goodness God” he blasphemed “How can you look so pretty. I’m in love with your face, and I’m shy too so for me to say it, hmmmm.” You know her answer? “Lol” Chaaaiiiiii, I was as weak as a fallen saint.
She chatted each guy, getting them to assure her that they’d do the work and send them. She dangled her pictures like an IOU and they bit, all but one of them, some guy called ‘Rup.’
Rup wasn’t having n’un of that. “Why me?” he wanted to know “Why me and not any of the others?”
“Lol, which others?” she asked back on whatsapp
“All your numerous guys both local and international?”
“Hmm, you are looking for my trouble eh? Abeg just type out for me na. I need it today.”
Rup didn’t answer for a while, she kept checking, I kept waiting. At a point I almost broke protocol to ask her why Rup was being so difficult. Then he finally responded
“I still want to know why me? Why me?”
He wasn’t budging, she had to give this stubborn option extra motivation, but whaat? Hmmm, he was asking for it. I was so curious a commercial break would have just ruined it! She responded, and I gave her a standing ovation ~mentally..
“Bcus you r better…
bcus u got my interest at heart…
bcus u love me…[TYPING]”
Rup didn’t wait any longer. I wanted to see the next ‘bcus’, but he gave in too quickly.
“Yes, sure, ok, I’ll do it!”
She gave a few other instructions, sent more pictures and then said thanks and it was done.”
Four guys, convinced they were exclusive, doing the same errand, and they were just in the ‘Book support division’ too. Minutes later we proceeded to take communion.
It occurred to me then that charle, there’s no no no no way of asserting exclusivity of a woman these days oo, unless she loves God more than she does you. If she don’t love Jesus more, I’m sorry dude, you’re just a leading option. Love, good virtues, clean past, strict parents and principles cant assure you of jack! Check the Jesus factor, not the make-believe kind, the real real one. Works both ways too, I lie?
O and I did enjoy the real sermon too –I’m a nifty multitasker you see. It was about being ready for opportunities and not thinking our work’s done after a prophetic encounter and making wild wild declarations. It was about not confusing blessings and God’s promises for permission to just lazy about and wait. It was about realizing the difference between what we do (not so important) and who we are (the real deal). David took care of sheep, but he was diligent, reliable, hardworking, musical, etc. That’s who he was. Plus you have to stack up your skill set to make yourself relevant to the breakthrough. I could go on saaaah, but that’s for another post.
So there, I’m not a hopeless kokonsa guy after all. I listen too 😉
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