My 1st Random Kiss.

2nd semester, level 200, Legon. I was in a room with my percher (I’m dead if he sees this) and a certain fine lady we shall caaalll… Esmeralda. We’d all been childhood friends so we were cool like that. But she was closer to him because he was some sort of voice coach to her and could also play the piano.

I’d come in from a 5:30 lecture to meet them voice training. We’d all gotten into laughs and she made a joke about how kissable

my lips are. Now if you know me a little you’ll know that I bark like an Alsatian, but bite like a puppy. So the Alsatian in me goes “Herh! Don’t bring yourself. Don’t start something you cant finish!”

Then she goes “What? You think I cant kiss you?”

I look up to the concrete ceiling, shaking my head “Hmn hmmmnn hmn, someone is playing with fire oo.”

Heerrhhh, dont try me oo!!
Heerrhhh, dont try me oo!!

“Ben don’t try me oh”

“Oh puh-lease! See, I just have a leash on o. You don’t wanna take it off #dogSnarl”

All this while my percher is sitting in-between us, looking left then right like he’s about to cross the motor way. Before anyone could say Jack! Esmeralda pulled me in and gave me what in fairness to her I shall duly describe as a disorienting kiss.

In between trying to collect myself and determining if the last five seconds actually happened, the following words came out of my mouth, only this time in a hushed shaky voice; “Herh, I said don’t try me you didn’t listen?! You are lucky I still have my leash on.” Even I was lucid enough to see the jokes in that.

Both Esmeralda and my percher laughed at my shameless audacity! Outnumbered, overpowered, outgunned, knocked out, blistered and all, I still called her lucky.

I remember that night for several reasons, but the greatest of them is how it shaped my understanding of the mantra “Man, know thyself.” If there’s a gerh, with a body like an offering and morals like baggy jeans, my broda what point are you trying to prove going to a private cinema with her? Can’t you see how puny you are?

If you have a stench that just subsides but never goes away and is triggered by sweat, why will you do gidigidi? You know you have a terrible sense of humor, why do you give in to the urge to tell a joke because the other guys told really good ones and the girls laughed? At this age you don’t know yourself? Yoo.

Of all the things the Bible could have told us to do about temptation, we’re told to flee. Not bargain, discuss heritage, blow tongues, attempt fighting, wait and see, we’re told to flee. The meaning of the Hebrew word for flee in that verse is ‘Djwani, djoo fuw3, tu mmrika, run and forget your slippers.’

You’ve known yourself for twenty/thirty-how many years? And you think you know yourself best? Better than the Guy who knew you when you were just an undecided sperm? A clot of blood? Ah-beg ah-beg ah-beg. My sister run.

These rich married men who think they can sleep with anyone they please, I’ll show them a lesson. Me I will never take my skirt off, but aaaiiiii wwiiiiiiilll chop dzi money! By the time he realizes he aint getting some, I’ll have shaved off at least GHC 10,000. Please fine gerh, who are you? Joan of Ark? See, that man –just by virtue of his age- has more experience being bad than you have being a woman. You will gulp down 4 tabs of Postinor 2 before remembering that you were supposed to be immovable. Don’t trouble trouble to trouble you o. Woman know thyself.

If you know you have a temper, why will you ever go and tease the office tease? You thought your short fuse had magically grown longer eh? You know you cant control sleep. If the urge is too strong, you could sleep in the middle of answering a question, so why will you watch Empire till dawn, when you have a presentation at 10am? Know yourself o.

You-ah, you are a recovering porn addict. In your hay days, you watched porn from so many countries, you know how the UN would look like if all the delegates were naked girls. God has saved you, you’ve managed to break that chain, then you hear there’s a nice movie titled ’50 Shades of Grey’ and you’ve given someone a pen drive to copy it for you so you watch when you get home this evening. Are you normal? By the 7th shade po, you’ll have started remembering forgotten websites.

I could keep going, but you get my drift abi? It just sucks to hear that cliché excuse; it’s a mistake, was never supposed to happen, that wasn’t the plan, (my personal favorite) I slipped and fell inside. Rotfl. Please know thyself. I know mine very well and even still mess up sometimes, so what if you don’t at all?

When you know yourself, you don’t pray amiss because you know exactly what you need grace for. You smile when you’re taunted “Are you not man enough?” because you know the taunt is less than the regret dancing kpanlogo at the end of the escapade.

Don’t beat my kiss and end up with your first random child or first random divorce. Lol. Peace out fam. Know thyself.

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60 Comments

  1. Darwin said:

    Nice writing and full of advice. Thanks Ben

    July 2, 2017
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      No, thank you Darwin. So encouraging!

      July 3, 2017
      Reply
  2. sarah said:

    Great piece….interesting read and the advice is on point!!! Thankz Ben

    February 3, 2017
    Reply
  3. Mimispassion said:

    I love the way you wrote this particular one. Makes it easy to imagine how it all went down and the advice too is on point with all the various examples. Ayekoo

    November 3, 2016
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Lol. you like those things Mimi! I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      November 12, 2016
      Reply
  4. Kekeli said:

    LTIC!😂😂
    Great read, onpoint entertainment, advice stuck in my head (fleee oooo flee!!).

    March 7, 2016
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I telll yoouuu!! Flee kraaa. lol

      March 9, 2016
      Reply
  5. Dede said:

    @Nife..about undermining the knowledge,I totally agree. Sometimes you know but you really dunno how far you can go.So you play tricks on yourself. Wu be hu aa na washwi ase!!Good one

    August 20, 2015
    Reply
  6. Dorinda said:

    ” If the urge is too strong, you could sleep in the middle of answering a question, so why will you watch Empire till dawn, when you have a presentation at 10am? Know yourself o.”
    Prophet Anyan… this time it wasnt a presentation but an Interim assessment…faa 3faame no…gyai…was watching the last 3 episodes that morning before leaving home thinking i could revise before the quiz… lailai…5/35 po,twas by Grace….

    Dorinda, know thyself….hhehehehe

    April 22, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Loolllll. Your own takes the day. lol. masri saah. Otwiala, next time :-p, but at least we now know one thing we wont do again the morn of an IA. God dey 🙂

      April 23, 2015
      Reply
  7. Naa Oyoe said:

    Chaaarleeey you hit the nail right on the head oo…it has ‘tweeee’ me samll (hahaha)..aside knowing ourselves we need Grace too abi?
    PS: Im another stalker on ur stream..lol

    April 20, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I looovvee this kinda stalking! lol, we’ll soo get along Naa. And yes, grace really is all the fuel we need to sail through. More of it.

      April 20, 2015
      Reply
  8. Ese said:

    I still can’t believe I never came across your blog because I kind of like to think I do a good job at finding read worthy ones. No worries though. Better late than never. You’ve now got a stalker on your trail. Great job!!!

    April 20, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I’m in even greater shock Ese! How come it took you this long? Was beginning to worry you wouldnt show up. Whew! good thing I didnt give u on you. lol. Glad you’re here now 🙂

      April 20, 2015
      Reply
  9. Nife said:

    hahahahaha na wa oo… not just knowing thyself oo, not undermining that knowledge too, i think… i know myself paaa but even so, it takes loads of grace. no kidding
    another piece i absolutely love. stay blessed, Ben

    April 15, 2015
    Reply
  10. Akorfa said:

    Hahahahaha…. I cant believe am laughing this hard in the office, I just hope i don’t get a query letter on my table by the time am done laughing to bring me back to reality. The 50 shades of grey particularly remind of my own experience…lol. Great piece as always!

    April 13, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Lol. Easy easy Akorfa. We dont want want you getting queried. lol. Love that you enjoyed it so.

      April 16, 2015
      Reply
  11. RAMMY said:

    lol…. Ben nie…..big ups…#onpoint as alwaes… God bless u

    April 12, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Aaammenn! God bleeesss you too Rammy. You never disappoint 😉

      April 16, 2015
      Reply
  12. Manuela said:

    Beuriful…I totally love it ,especially that part about the meaning of the Hebrew word for flee..more grace to you, in fact to all of us. God bless!

    April 11, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Lol. Happens to be my favorite part too Manny.

      April 16, 2015
      Reply
  13. Benedict said:

    Perfectly put, bro. “Gnothi seauton”.

    April 11, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Wish I knew what that meant Ben. but it sounds too fancy to not be profound so i’m nodding in agreement right now. 🙂

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
      • Tega said:

        Means know thyself

        May 25, 2015
        Reply
  14. May said:

    Another nice piece .. lovely .. now i need to sit down and pray those specific prayer 🙂

    April 11, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Yes yess, specific prayers for specific issues. No ‘try your luck’ prayers.

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
  15. Naa said:

    Hahahah! Know thyself! Soo good!
    Btw, I like how you specified the kiss as the “first random” one… Which implies it may not necessarily be the “first” kiss.

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Saaaaabbb3! Eeeeiii Naa, you havent heard what curiosity did to the cat eh? You are here doing CSI on brofo. lol, but all this my too known, if you push small too I’ll answer o.

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
  16. linda said:

    I hardly comment even though I enjoy ur works a lot. This was a very good one. nyc

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Tell me Linda, what can i do to make it more frequent? I’m really desperate now, I could do just about anything!

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
  17. Emily said:

    Chaaaaaaiiiiii people are talking to people ooooo. Abundant grace is needed for this fleeing cos on our own, we can do nothing. Thank you Ben, Thank you!
    And oh, I see that not replying mails is your thing paaaa. humpf!

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Lol,given chartered nature of work, nobody can understand fleeing better than you. lol, and when did you send a mail i didnt reply? oo o!

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
      • Emily said:

        Eeeeeeeiiii Benjamin “Makafui’ Anyan, do fashion blog and male professional dressing ring a bell?????? After my pamphlet all, you say you no see anything??? Abeg check your spam eh.

        April 13, 2015
        Reply
        • BenJ said:

          covering mouth and eyes. I’m calling soon #shysmile

          April 16, 2015
          Reply
  18. Nuru said:

    Very profound indeed Ben! Na you when you turn spirito wey you add this spiritual twist to your already kick-ass writing prowess. Good for you man. Stumbled across this one on Facebook but I think you’ve turned me into a regular visitor. Bless you bro!

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Yaaaayyyy go me! Edito represen’n!! Means a lot that you wrote Nuru. So much vim, such a shame that you had to stumble across it; you should have been registrar sef. but alas, there’s an opportunity to make up!

      April 11, 2015
      Reply
  19. Yvonne said:

    This is totally true. Ohh Ben the way you frame your message simply melts the stoniest of heart. Great Job Ben.Ps. If you dont reply my mail …..wobehu

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Please, is there any chance you were referring to yourself re: stony heart? lol. messing with you…right after which i’ll reply the mail.

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  20. Dela said:

    I like your style of writing. Makes me look forward to reading your notes. You should write more often. You know what, sometimes a good writer’s notes are always interesting irrespective of the topic. This is because he will leave a piece of his personality in their writing. Nice piece from you once again.

    April 10, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      You sound like an accomplished writer yourself Dela. I feel very privileged that you took the time. But at the crux of it, I think I can only write this way because i made a deal with God He couldn’t refuse.

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  21. emefa said:

    Every single piece from u is just sth i personally do relate u.God bless u for this especially.

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Aaaaaammmmennnnn! I receive it all. We do have a lot in common, dont we? 🙂

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  22. Bel said:

    Enter Your Comment…i love it! u should have just kept going. All truth

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      lol Bel, your ears are too sweet for you. you like that papa!

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  23. Aubrey said:

    Timely read [as I run in the opposite direction with my white coat blowing behind me like superman]….enough said! Lol

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Oooo so it was youuuu! And there I was thinking an angel had left in a hurry. lol. Good to ‘see’ you Aubrey.

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  24. Sua said:

    Know yourself and unto thine own self be true. Great piece

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Mmhm! W’akasa. Exactement! ’nuff said. lol.

      April 10, 2015
      Reply
  25. Doris said:

    An honest one there. Nyc

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Thanks Doris.

      April 9, 2015
      Reply
  26. Kofi said:

    well said bro! God bless you

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      God bless you too bro. Really glad that you write more often now 🙂

      April 9, 2015
      Reply
  27. Elorm said:

    *holding earlobe*people should know themselves oh.. yoo
    #AnotherHmmmMoment

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      Hahahaha. I totally mentally pictured that. Totally.

      April 9, 2015
      Reply
  28. Millie said:

    I was just thinking, “Eeeii on some Hebrew levels…” and bazinga!!! those hebrew words made me laugh so loud I forgot i was in the office. This is a good piece and great lessons to be learnt. Thanks Ben.

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I triiicck youuuu. lol. Thanks for writing Millie.

      April 9, 2015
      Reply
  29. Daisy said:

    This s a good piece

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      And you are a good person to let me know 🙂

      April 9, 2015
      Reply
  30. Elise said:

    Lol! Ben, Ben….. this is what too known does to us! :p

    April 9, 2015
    Reply
    • BenJ said:

      I knooowwww! Too known masters. lol

      April 9, 2015
      Reply

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